Post by Akbar Le Grey on Jun 18, 2006 5:02:38 GMT -5
Editor-in-Chief: Akbar Le Grey.
Sub-editor: Linda*.
Columnists: PJ, une femme auteur anonyme, Jemima, BSam*, Lauren*, Sixteen*, Snicket, He, Pitia, Eoghann.
Published by 667er Publications, ltd.
A subsidiary of the 667er Group.
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PJ’s Rant
So, yeah. Akbar asked me to do a Rant. So I will.
I dunno what I should rant about – so I guess it’ll be just like old times.
Actually, there’s quite a bit to rant about, nowadays, so this should be half descent. Let me just do my rant exercises. I never used to do them, and ended up pulling a muscle desperately needed for article writing, which is my reason for not posting one in so long.
By “quite a bit to rant about” I mean, of course, Klaus19. And Edwin. Though if I ranted about them, it would be hopelessly generic and old.
Then again, isn’t that what the newspapers are about?
So yeah. Klaus19 and Edwin are making stupid posts/threads. You should all go and flame them, and so on.
What’s more irritating are BSam and Gretchen. I mean, everyone loves them, but they stubbornly refuse to believe it, and prefer to believe that everyone is lying and hates them. I mean, sure, there’s such a thing as low self esteem, but it’s just getting irritating, now. And I realize that saying this is hardly likely to make them feel better about themselves, but it has to be said. I still think you’re both awesome, of course, but, ugh, it’s just annoying.
Another thing that annoys me is the whole paranoia about the Internet. I was on this other forum, yesterday, and they were all “oh noes, don’t post your picture, cos you’ll get RAPED.” I have never been a pedophile-rapist, so I’m not quite sure about how they work, but I’m pretty certain that it’d just be easier to jump a schoolgirl on the way home, or to go to some big party, or something. As opposed to going to a random internet forum, spending days, weeks, even, finding pictures, locations and names about people, and then driving to said locations (because, you know, the Internet spans the entire world, so the chances of said rapist living even remotely near you is very, very small), stalking you, and finally, after finding you in a vulnerable position, raping you. The people who get raped are the idiotic 13-year olds who want to meet up with mysterious “older” guys after chatting to them for an hour.
So yeah, there’s plenty left to rant about. There’s my accursed friends, who insist on walking around a lot for little or no reason, which results in tired legs, or my computer, which randomly freezes, for no good reason. I could even rant about how my latest download is disappointingly slow. But I’d rather just list these possibilities, thereby bringing the Rant-length to about one Word-Page, and finishing my obligation to Akbar.
Now, everyone, please go to THIS thread, it is highly interesting, and should be seen. Really, just go to it. It's amazing:
ttp://asoue.proboards11.com/index.cgi?board=tree&action=display&thread=1150300031
Well, that’s all, for now. Maybe Akbar’ll commission me to do another Rant in the distant future. Goodbye.
-PJ.
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MY KIND EDITOR WANTS TO USE HEADLINES, SO THIS IS THE HEADLINE OF THIS COLUMN
So Klaus19 enjoys being bashed in the newspaper... Well, I'd use some good-old fashioned reverse psychology, but praising her might cause me to spontaneously combust. So I'll merely say that enjoying being flamed is a sure sign of being a forum troll, which is a sure sign that one really ought to leave the forum. For one's own good, that is. Really, I worry that the constant attacks hurled against Klaus19 will stunt her emotional development and turn her into an insane masochist or something. Look up those words, Klaus19, and you'll know that that's a bad thing.
Aside from that, our last edition generated a good deal of arguing, about which I'll say that a number of people are acting like children. Twistedbrain could very well have replied to Robert's thread(unlike me she's not a self-styled lurker or a fictional character), and Robert was behaving fairly childishly anyway. And my kind editor is still in over his head on the matter of his corporate empire. Much as I like his newspaper, I'm not sure about some of his more elaborate plans, and his cries of oppression are a bit disturbing. There may well be a tyrannical regime ruling this forum, but its express purpose is not to suppress media moguls. I realize all this rambling is obsolete, but it seems to be a slow news week, so I might as well keep it.
It looks like I may have another target, a returning one. Her name is Nina, and in the past she posted creationist rants that read like Kansas science textbooks as transcribed by Klaus19. However, she may well have improved too much to be a very good target. Now she's simply a bland [insult that isn't censored to "really cool member"], which rather depresses me.
Not really all that much is happening--people are asking someone for repeated copies of his photograph, and some are asking other people for photos, and some are telling those others to stop and immediately getting shouted down for it, and Klaus19 is making pathetic attempts to fit in that I can't be bothered to write about, while the person being asked for photos isn't commenting much. Hmm, I never get asked for photos of myself. Please note that I'm not complaining, as I have a lifelong phobia of cameras.
Oh, and we're having theme days, mostly based on certain members. At risk of seeming egotistical, I suggest one based on myself. It'd basically involve everyone lurking rather than posting, all the while forming highly inaccurate and spiteful opinions. This, at least the not-posting part of it, would make some members a lot more contributive. While the preceding joke may be obvious, that's only because it's so true.
Extra Special Bonus Word-Count-Padding Extra Section(may be harmful if swallowed)
667's Satanic Influences, Part 1
Using carefully selected evidence, I can build a conclusive case that 667 is in league with Satan.
First, we have the date on which the forum was created: 6/22/02
Add up those three twos, and you have another six! 66-- the number of floors in a fictional apartment complex, or a hint at something far more sinister?? Now, our recent anniversary was on 6/22/2006. Once again, three twos in the date add up to a THIRD number six!!! The most unholy of all numbers is embodied in this occasion! But this is just the beginning.
Our administrator's name, you note, has seven letters. Seven deadly sins, anyone??
slo(T)h
w(R)ath
(A)varice
(G)luttony
(E)nvy
pri(D)e
lecher(Y)
His name testifies to the ultimate tragedy that stems from these sins--eternal damnation! Be warned! But there is still greater evil here.
Continued next week (really)...
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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---Jemima did not receive any problems this week. Stupids! Don't you want to help her out? Or are you to lazy to even send a "Dear Jem, how do I blink?" You better send one this week or she's not going to publish it anymore!
That is all.---
This week on Jemima's How To!:
How To Get Really, Really Scared!
Step 1: Watch a slasher thriller movie late at night that wouldn't appeal to you in complete darkness
Step 2: Have someone do stuff that is very "coincidental" of the movie
Step 3: Have someone come up and surprise you from behind
Step 4: Play hide-and-seek in the dark with a murderous convict
Step 5: Run away!
-Jemima.
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Writer's Doubt
…until the four children (and of course, their dog too!) crested the hill and looked down at the glorious view.
“Whizz-o!” cried Jeffrey. “What a sight!”
Out in the sea was a splendid tropical island. The blue waves lapped at its golden shores, the brilliant green trees swayed in the wind, and the light glimmered off the cliffs just right to conceal the wreckage from a dozen ships.
“So this is your private island?” asked Will curiously.
“It certainly is!” Jane replied proudly. “My parents have it in my name for some obscure tax reason!”
“The same reason that Jimmy the dog is technically your brother?” Tina asked.
“Indeed!” Jane nodded. “But don’t let the government know!”
Maybe I should scratch that part. I wouldn’t want to seem like I was inciting crime… Oh, I’ll decide on the next draft.
“I say, it’s awfully good of you to make us this picnic, Tina!” Jeffrey exclaimed. Tina had laid out the delicious contents of their hamper – armfuls of cakes and buns, a string of sausages, several round cheeses and a full hog roast with lashings of ginger beer.
“Well, as the only real female character, it’s my job to do all the housework and mothering while the rest of you have scary adventures!” said Tina, delicately selecting a plum from a brimming fruit bowl. “And since the author removed our cook to make the family seem less middle-class, there’s really nobody else to do it.”
“But isn’t Jane female too?” asked Will, again curiously.
“Good golly, Will!” Jane cried angrily. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! I’d rather be called James, not Jane! In this masculine-dominated quasi-1950s society, it’s the only way for me to get the adventures and job that I need to satisfy my rebellious adolescent leanings!”
“Cor!” exclaimed Will.
No, no, that’s far too obvious. Their character development should be much more subtle. But then again, since when were these books ever subtle?
“There’s something awfully fishy going on here,” Jane – I mean, James – said.
“Arf! Arf!” barked Jimmy the dog, through a mouthful of snatched haddock.
“Oh, Jimmy!” chortled Jeffrey. “Your antics will be the death of me!”
Jimmy’s eyes flicked around the room, and he began to tear slowly into the haddock, his eyes on Jeffrey the entire time.
That’s not even the right genre! Perhaps I shouldn’t have written this. Still, I suppose I’ve started now…
“So you’re the one who’s been stealing from the island’s secret diamond mines!” gasped Jane. “My parents will soon hear about this!”
Jimmy growled reassuringly.
“I don’t think so,” the stranger growled threateningly. “If you try, I’ll shoot you” – he pulled a shiny metal object from his pocket – “with this gun!”
“Oh, my!” Tina gasped. “A gun!”
“You dreadful swine!” Will cried. “Why, I’m pretty sure it’s against the law to shoot children!”
“So is slavery,” the man pointed out, jerking a thumb at the chained, rake-thin foreign migrants that were pawing at the walls of the cave with their fingers, trying to pry out precious gems for Jane’s parents.
“Only since 1834!” Jane protested.
Doesn’t even make sense.
As the police led the man away in chains, he snarled, “And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids and your lousy dog!”
“Wrong cliché, old boy!” laughed Jeffrey, and the others laughed with him.
“Gosh, what a jolly adventure this has been!” Will said. “Who’d have thought that rogue scientists were plotting against your father yet again, James!”
“But we sure showed them, thanks to Jimmy’s violence,” James said, ruffling Jimmy’s hair. Jimmy frothed at the mouth.
“And let’s all be thankful that the local police were closet anti-abolitionists,” said Tina simply.
“Bravo!” cried Jeffrey.
“Ripping!” cried Will.
“Busheney!” cried James.
“Slang!” cried Tina.
“Woof!” woofed Jimmy.
Oh, what’s the use? It was a bad idea from start to finish. Into the fire it goes, and I must try and write something better next time…
-
Meanwhile, in the parallel universe…
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OFFICIAL REVIEW
I confess, after a number of disappointing new novels recently, my expectations were extremely pessimistic, but this new children’s work, Five Have Yet Another Grand Old Adventure, has allayed my fears for the genre. One of the most superlative young people’s works in recent times, its structure, subtly drawn from the Hero’s Journey, thoroughly develops the theme of growing up and facing the dangers of life (here used as a metaphor for puberty and the eventual settling down with a job and mortgage in adult life).
The narrative is decidedly postmodern and introduces younger people to the concept perfectly. The idyllic setting, marred by subterranean troubles, evokes not just the religious symbolism of Eden but also of our own world, a past where innocence is lost and people are hollow shells rotted within. While perhaps a little hard for younger readers to grasp, this is clearly the novel’s central message, and is vital to understanding its credentials as a literary work. For indeed, the five lead characters clearly represent archetypal views and stances in our society. Do we not all feel a little of Jeffrey’s bravery, Tina’s timidity, Jane’s pointless self-denial now again? Are we not all, at the darkest points in our lives, Jimmy the dog? The author’s expression is masterful in this respect.
Given the exceptional nature of this parable for modern times, I cannot rate it anything lower than the full five stars. Truly, it is a magnificent book, and one with a place on every child’s bookshelf for many years to come. Bravo indeed, to the author! Bravo and busheney indeed!
* * * * *
-He
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MUSIC REVIEW OF THE WEEK[/u][/size]
Artist: Thom Yorke
Title: The Eraser
Genre: Alternative/ Electronica
Label: XL Recordings
This week saw the release of Radiohead front man Thom Yorke’s solo debut. I hasten to add that this does not mean the end of Radiohead, and their next album is scheduled for release in 2007.
The album is more electronic than Radiohead’s recent music, harking back to the days of Kid A and Amnesiac, although the song structure is similar to that of Radiohead. The album starts out with the title track, a piano driven piece with suitably depressing lyrics and nice electronic undertones. The next track, Analyse, is an equally absorbing fare, taking in the listener with its mysterious lyrics and catchy beats. The third track, “Clock”, is unfortunately less memorable, with forgettable beats and vague lyrics. The fourth attempt, however, is the album’s crowning master. “Black Swan” opens with a steady drum beat, before murmuring vocals from Yorke, leading into the chorus, where he barely whispers “’Cos it’s f*cked up…”, creating a memorable and striking atmosphere. The lyrics are poignant, and the beats are crafted to wrap around them perfectly. It will almost definitely be a single, and will be included on the soundtrack to the upcoming film “A Scanner Darkly”. The album moves on from here, to “Skip Divided”, with threatening electronica and muttered vocals. We then are presented with “Atoms for Peace”, another highlight, with interesting vocal variations and a simple backing beat combining to make an interesting and absorbing song. The next song, “And It Rained All Night”, is another disappointment. Not particularly memorable, it is fairly generic. “Harrowdown Hill”, a song concerning recent events, features a steady beat and confidently delivered vocals, another highlight. Last but not least, “Cymbal Rush” has been played at recent Radiohead shows, and rightly so. After a frankly bizarre opening, a gently song with layered vocals and many sounds and experiments, it is the perfect way to end the album.
THE VERDICT: A very good solo debut, hopefully we can hear much more of Mr. Yorke’s solo music in the future. I give it an 8.
-Eoghann.
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Ville Mori Current Events
I have finally found out the origin of the perplexing pasta puddle, or, as it has come to be known, the PPP, or Triple P among young hooligans, who have taken to tattooing it on their naked scalps.
It is the construction site of an Italian Restaurant, La Casseruola Diabolica. Says waitress Aspartame, "We tried to tell them to bring it in closed tanks, but they were too busy scratching themselves in fairly unmentionable places to listen." She then used what she mistakenly though was an Italian exclamation, but it really meant "May I take your order?"
Said restaurant will be donating food to St. Helena's home for invisible orphans, which, I might add, is one of the leading consumers in bulk shipments of woolen jumpers and snap-brim caps.
Speaking of young hooligans, a fairly destructive gang activity has become popular, much to the dismay of many cat owners. Gangs of teenage boys have been sneaking up on kittens and naming them "Dewey". There is now an excess of kittens named Dewey, to the point where it can be considered severe overpopulation. The Ville Mori council is even considering building a shelter for kittens named Dewey, to have them adopted instead of running amok on the ville.
Says street artist Gretchen, "Just the other day I heard a boy say 'Look, a kitten! Let's gang up on him and name him Dewey.' It's enough to make you sick."
I couldn't have said it better myself. Be kind to your local orphans, waitresses, and kittens named Dewey.
My deepest sympathies,
Pitia.
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This is NOT CNN. This is Snicket’s Section, where all the news in tech, hacks, and magic come together in one package.
Before I get to “Tech Help”, I would just like to thank everybody who reads my section every week and sends me great comments and suggestions. All of the comments I have got PMed to me are all positive and they tell me that I am doing a great job responding and giving answers to all the questions. You have all really helped me with this positive feedback, and I appreciate it.
Tech Help
Dear Snickey-Snickey,
Hi. How are you? I'm rather distressed! I forgot my password to my e-mail account, and I forgot my answer to my "secret" question. What can I do if anything at all?
Thanks,
Swans
Answer: I’m doing great, Swans. To find the password to your e-mail account, please call your service provider for e-mail. If you have a web-based e-mail account (Gmail, Hotmail) I’m sure there is someway to ask them (I don’t know it, however). If you don’t get any answers out of that, go online and search for downloadable hacking programs. A few months ago, I found a program that recovered all stored passwords on your computer.
However, for future reference, if e-mail is important to you at all, you need to write down all the information on your password and account and store it in a safe place.
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Dear Snicker Snicket,
When you do a general search on yahoo, google etc etc how do search engines determine what search hits arrive first? How can you tell how old the dated material happens to be?
Thanks,
Swans
Answer: I don’t know, but I always thought it was through popularity and informative-ness of the website. Check around, I think Google has a section on their site which explains the process.
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Dear Mr. Snicket,
I have a crush on someone online. Do you have any tips on how to approach this delicate situation perhaps from experience? You may want to throw out this letter like you'd desire to throw out my heart if I were to ever approach you but this is a legit question. Because in this internet day in age customs change, and I think you'd be the guy with all the know how on this subject.
Love,
Swans
Answer: If you really want to pursue the relationship with a person online, first let the person know by AIM, E-mail, or PM. As far as that, digital customs are not that different from traditional customs.
HACK of the WEEK
I found this on the web. It is a new Apple Mighty Mouse inside a vintage Apple ADB mouse. It’s an awesome hack, and it is something that I have always wanted to do.
Software of the Week - Google SketchUp
Rating system: * = WTF? ** = Needs work *** =Solid ****= Awesome!! *****= Perfect.
Rating: ****
Google SketchUp is a great download. SketchUp allows you to create 3-D environments and structures and export them into Google Earth (*****). SketchUp is by far the easiest to use 3-D imagery software and the tutorials on the website are detailed and flaw-less. However, the texturing features are not that great and needs a lot of work. Also, it would be great if SketchUp was friendlier to the animator.
However, SketchUp makes up for most of its flaws. In the first few hours, you will be a pro.
Google SketchUp can be found here.
Songs of the Week
A lot of people don’t know what kind of music I like, so, I am compiling an iMix on iTunes full of most of the stuff I listen to. It will be up as soon as soon as this gets published. Most of the iMix will be a large variety. I have a great knowledge of everything from smooth jazz to rap. I also enjoy a vareity of classical music and comedy.
And I would like to reccomend these following tracks that I have recently bought off the iTunes Music Store.
1. Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
2. Tishomingo Blues - Garrison Keillor
3. Nightshift - Gregg Karukas
4. Olympics - Jerry Seinfeld
5. Drumbone - Blue Man Group
Apple News
A lot of people have been critizing Apple lately for re-releasing the U2 iPod. Well, Apple almost had no choice. U2 sells good. There are other bands, but U2 appeals to the demographic that Apple wants to approach (And Bono wants to be involved with Apple as much as he can).
Also, CBS now has shows on iTunes. I’m glad, but I really wish that they would put The Price is Right on iTunes (And the sells would go through the roof. Everybody likes Bob Barker).
Gems
I like this. It’s a diagram of the GM Building’s Plaza (With the new Apple Store). It’s very informative.
While searching on one of my old Windows Computers, I found a hidden Dialog Box. I quickly saved a screenshot to a disk and uploaded it to my Mac. The image quality isn’t that great though, but here it is:
img80.imageshack.us/my.php?image=mshidden4se.jpg
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The Magic Section
This is the second week of this feature, please PM me for suggestions.
Performance Tips
So, if you are following what I said last week, you are now ready to start performing. In this time, you should have mastered a few simple effects. But, before you perform, you must know how to perform. A magician is an actor playing the part of a magician. So act. You need to create a character. You could be yourself, but being yourself is boring. Criss Angel is not the same guy you see on TV; neither is Blaine. Instead, you must create an exciting, interesting, or mysterious character.
Also, decide what you like best. Maybe you like stage magic better, if so, study stage magic. Maybe you’re a street or close-up type performer. Go with whatever you like and study it.
Go out and start performing. Come back next week, and you will get even more tips.
Magician of the Week
Every magician has to study. This week, the Magician is Harry Houdini (He took his name from Robert Houdin). There is so much you can learn about Harry Houdini, that I can’t really sum it all up. Go out and search through your library or through the internet. There are several great biographies on him.
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Closing Notes
I’m thinking about adding a new section to my Tech section, though, I don’t know if it will really survive.
So, this is Snicket. Come back next week, and I will continue to answer all your tech questions and continue to fill you in on the art of magic.
-Snicket.