Post by Akbar Le Grey on Sept 18, 2006 12:25:49 GMT -5
September 18th – September 24th.
Editor-in-Chief: Akbar Le Grey.
Sub-editor: Linda, Robert*.
Columnists: He, une femme auteur anonyme, BSam, Sixteen, Gretchen Skeleton Key, Libitina, faux!Bella. AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN KICKED OUT AND REPLACED BY MAGICAL STARS: *******.
Published by 667er Publications, ltd. [as your stories should be, or else everyone will hate them]
A subsidiary of the 667er Group. [like the rest of life, the universe and pretty much everything]
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The disturbing trend of egregious power-grabbing among the upper echelons of our forum’s so-called “staff” continued a few nights ago, when a well-known deputy (legal pressure compels me not to name him, but I’m sure you know who I mean, loyal readers), showing all the arrogance and disregard for human rights that we have come to expect from his ilk, used his ill-gotten powers to make a post.
Of all the crimes committed for unjustifiable and ungiven reasons by the staff of 667, well-known for gauding themselves with brightly-coloured stars and elitist ranks, this, once again, scores near the top for unspeakableness. While it is rumoured that all staff members may have made posts once – even twice – in their lives, to actually witness it is an unwelcome rarity. To put forth their malign opinions publicly, and to thereby oppress the opinions of others by mere “merit” of their dubious, fortune-based status, is an offence that, as our fellow subversive Marlowe wrote, “is rank, it smells to heaven.” If staff members are once again daring to make publicly crystal clear their disregard for the thoughts of others, who knows what they will do next? Delete threads? Give out strikes?
Break into your house at night, murder you in your tortured slumber, and add your withered husk to their army of sockpuppeted dead?
Truly, their wretched rampage towards utter dictatorship knows no decency, for what other explanation can there be for how they drag out our weary, punished lives rather than simply deleting us all to cement their Thousand-Year Reich forever?
Fortunately, we, your tireless reporters at this underground renegade publication, continue to fight back! With the power of the free press! Except when we’re edited, like the time when we [Editor’s Note: Removed due to staff requests]. But despite all this, this reporter was determined to get to the bottom of things. I visited the home of a prominent staff member who has written, both anonymously and honestly, for this paper, clearly showing some sort of dual-personality complex (and does it not explain much that a possible madman is on the “staff” of 667???). Here’s how the interview went:
D: H.’s here, he’s here! Pretend we’re not in.
H: D., D., I’d like an interview! I can see you watching through the window.
D: Blast! Listen, I thought I’d told you not to come here anymore.
H: Your corrupt regime doesn’t yet have restraining orders! You can’t run away from the truth, or lock your door against it! Now open this door!
D: You’re out of control, H. Now get away from this house.
H: Not until you’ve answered a few questions. Firstly: Is it true that D. made a post a few days ago? What do you have to say about that?
D: Nothing whatsoever. It’s his right.
H: Aha! Rights, huh? I guess that the only rights now are for you and your cronies, am I right?
D: That’s nonsense. There are over half a million posts on 667. You’ve seen them.
H: Over half a mil – dear gods, it’s worse than we thought! If there was a place in the newspaper before the lede, this’d be in it.
A: Is H. still there? Should I get the harpoon gun?
D: That might be a good idea. Or call the F., and see if she can talk some sense into him. It shouldn’t be too hard, after that story A. wrote. But honestly, you should see him. H.’s dressed up as A.
A: Not with a turban.
D: I’m afraid so, yes.
H: I am A.! For the purposes of this article.
D: You’re not A.! You’re not even H. If you’re anyone, it is I.
H: Slander and lies!
D: As opposed to the libel and lies in The 667er ever week.
H: Yes! I mean, no. I mean, it’s not libel if it’s true!
D: Which is the problem, it’s not.
H: You can’t prove anything. Anyway, here’s my next question: Is it true that you and your fellow staff members are planning to break into our houses at night, murder us in our tortured slumber, and add our withered husks to your army of sockpuppeted dead?
D: What. That’s insane, and quite possibly impossible.
H: What about the time you deleted all those no-post accounts? They’re people too!
D: Actually, no. And you supported that.
H: Not me – A. did.
D: I know for a fact that you supported it, and I thought you were meant to be A. for the purposes of this article. Honestly, I’m surprised A. doesn’t fire you. Now, fire, A.!
H: Argh! Unprovoked violence!
A: Sorry; it’s hard to aim this.
H: I’m writing about this in my article!
D: In his LJ, more like.
H: I’ll be back! Just you wait! The revolution will come! And I’m totally writing a tabloid article about your alleged elopement!
I vowed never to go back to that house of evil. Instead, I spoke to a prominent 667er, 667er editor Akbar, and asked for his views on the current crisis.
A: I agree, absolutely. It’s just another outrageous abuse of staff power. I’ve PMed Tragedy and swans for a statement, obviously, but if they reply, it’ll probably be “No comment.” Either way, we get the message that they just don’t want to talk about this issue – like they’ve got something to hide that we’d like to publish in this issue.
H: For our readers, could you tell them how long you’ve been fighting the regime?
A: Ever since I joined 667 three years ago I’ve been battling the tide of lies. The maliciousness of the moderators and those detestable deputies has built up to a crescendo of hate. The staff members like to say there was a time when the people of 667 weren’t at war with the staff, but that’s not true. We’ve always been at war with Tragedy.
H: Wait, didn’t you once apply to be a Detriment Deleter?
A: That was an impostor set up by the staff, and I was hoping to enact a positive change and bring down the staff from within.
H: Oh, sorry. That’s completely consistent with the reports in The 667er.
A: I had a feeling it might be. Anyway, can I have my turban back? I’ve got school tomorrow.
H: Yeah, sure, here you go. Oh, and I also borrowed your flying carpet.
A: What?! The one I told you to never, ever touch?
H: Yeah, I –
A: Now listen here, H. –
[Removed – Editor]
This reporter’s investigation has involved traumatic incidences and physical trauma. Such is what we get when we dare to touch the staff of 667, for they are wrathful, especially in the early morning. Though this reporter may not have uncovered the truth about the shocking incident a few nights ago, someday the shocking truth shall be revealed, perhaps incidentally, and conceivably a few nights from when I write this.
-He
~He burns at need
For truth you must not plead~
End of repo
STOP PRESS
ANOTHER OUTRAGEOUS ABUSE BY UE.COM IN ONGOING WAR; FULL STORY NEXT WEEK IN THE 667ER
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In the interests of this very special issue, I will return from my hiatus in order to exaggerate my usual gimmick of pretending to be-- I mean, actually being-- a faceless, silent lurker. That is, I won't write anything. Except, I suppose, those last couple of sentences, and this one.
...
No, that won't work. My kind editor and not-so-kind creator will never approve of the above silliness. Moving on now.
...
Look at me, I'm borderline fictional! I deny my own existance in a way I assume is clever! And I suppose I should comment on the fact that some people did indeed comment on my absence last week. I'm honored that anyone should notice me, as I am merely an inconspicuous faceless lurker who writes lengthy columns every week. There, done.
Of course, I could also comment on that random-numbers board, which has moved repeatedly like some kind of not-that-funny roving carnival and had threads about it repeatedly moved to Disturbing Discussion, as if Donald Rumsfeld were commenting on it. But it's really not that interesting anymore; it seems like a pointless exercise by now. While I'd normally write an extensive and metaphor-laden paragraph about this, right now I'd rather write one about my tendency to write extensive and metaphor-laden paragraphs about things like this. I'd better criticize our higher-up staff members in a patronizing way like "You can do so much better." There, done.
[insert long-winded and more or less nonsensical way of saying "There, done", or a description of how I tend to say things in a long-winded and nonsensical fashion because I find self-reference amusing]
...
Enough of that. Self-referential statements like this are the lowest form of humor.
- Une femme auteur anonyme.
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Reivoew if thettt cyurrent bankd dofn the eweeeeeek[/u]
[Editor’s Note: Unedited, as usual. Bah, who am I kidding? I haven’t stopped edited his colums due to ‘popular demand’; it’s just too much bleeding work…]
this week i'm revciewinf Gerling, one of my favoriet australian bands
they played ghost patrol and i love them,
dfjsd,.fjjj oso beer, sleep in a prak nrfifnisnijfsnijfnij
dfn nsdjjdjjjsf, then i saw trhe band, me and luke. asfkjfsafkfsfacccccf
ddd
i relly enjoyued all theirere songs, and had ltros of beer, iasdk
dadjdjjd
djd
Antenora awoke, she walked into the town, into the building, into the room where betsy, Pandora dn Annelise were looking at the newspaper
"Hey guys when did you get this paper?"
"last night "replied annelise but iu onlt showed these guys today
"because hey the part of the bit thing in the picture what you showed them hasn't actyaollly happened yet" antenora spake to the three
"but did you sleep in the forest with the three bodies?"
:yes i did, but this picture won't happen til tomorow night"
"and who is the fourth body? i don't know"
"she is another member of 667, she only jouned recently but the THREDAY EVILNESS must have already got to her,. "
"SHE? but the headline says 2 WOIMEN DEAD IN FOREST, "
"well, they could have said 2 women and she's the MAN fond in forsest but they thought it would be disrespectful to those who loved her"
"that makes me sad" said betsy "one of my favorite members who i oswe sex x 100 to has had his favorite new member die in the forest in his story without any character development at all? ANd he makes fun of her for looking like she's the man"
suddenly kobolos strode ointo the room as onjly kobolos could, "RIGHT, I"M IN CHARGE HERE!!!!!!!!Ladies, we got a fricking murder to solve, Annelise, cross check your newpaper sources, i beleiuve we're dealing with something supernatural here, where could they have got hold of a pjhooto that hasn't been taken yet?, Antenora, seasrch your head, why woulsd you knwo the piuctrure in this paper IS from tomorow night? get me an explanation now. Betsy, get onto this favorite member of yours, and find out what you can about thsi she's the man lookalike//////////////
and pandora?"
"yes kobo?"
"put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea"
i hope you enjoyed threadu part 20
if you didn't i'm going to leave the forum
BSam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS, NOT THAT ANYONE WILL READ IT ANYWAY]
Customised Title Which Nobody Bothers To Read
by Sixteen
As the only section in the magazine which has anything to do with aSoUE I suppose I should feel like an
The Beatrice Letters is here! And we're none the wiser! Well, that's not entirely true. We now know that there are two (shockhorrorgasp) Beatrices. I've said before that I don't like this idea. It's been used before, especially in aSoUE. And the hidden cover image was found months before the book was released. Although, I shouldn't complain about that. I think the cover was fantastically drawn and the negative image was a nice touch. All I'm saying is I wasn't surprised. As for the content of the letters, we were given two new storylines which we only got half of each. One from BB2 and one to BB1. Wow, that's a lot of "one"s in one sentence. Anyhoo, I liked it. How could I not? Handler could write a phonebook and I'd praise it for some hidden meaning. But seriously, it was interesting. And different. Very different. I haven't punched out my letters. I want to preserve its originality. The poster hasn't been hung up either. Not because of preservation, but because they made it double-sided. And one side is horizontal while the other is vertical. If they were going to do it double-sided they could at least do it right. The Disussion Thread is 14 pages of looooooooong posts. Don't read it unless you have a lot of time on your hands. On Tuesday, though, spoiler tags won't be needed, so be careful what you read.
There's less than a month until The End. Twenty days or thereabouts. Some speculation: The Baudelaires are going to end up on an island. Okay, that's pretty much confirmed. But we've recently found out that on this island will be a "dystopian utopia". Now, in my opinion, this ties in to all the moral ambiguity we've been fed throughout the last few books. Yeah, more of it. An AuthorTracker told us that the word "brae" means hill. So, we can safely assume that there will be a brae in TE. If you add this to what we read in TBL about Lemony Snicket being a "brae-man" who lives on an island, then I suppose we're going to have a reunion. And there are several, several mentions of seaweed being used as a wig. Now this is something I wouldn't get too caught up in. We had the same thing going on for TBL with root-beer floats. Maybe there's something we're missing about the significance of these mysterious drinks which LS and BB love, but I doubt it.
Instead of thinking up an aSoUE-related conclusion, I'm just going to say, "Roast beef + misnomers + grammar + chewing-gum + staples + red herrings + crows + balloons + lions + cigarettes + submarines + concierges + shipwrecks = a frickin' mysterious plot. " Thank you, and goodnight.
-Sixteen.
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Apoligy [sic] by Bella/All Due Respect/Emily[/u][/size]
My name is Emily and I've returned to 667 after a year and 4 months because I'm excited about the End and I want to discuss it with people. I'm a noteworthy member because I was the one who contributed the banner.
I'm just writing to apoligize for being horrid towards twistedbrain and for making complaints about Disturbing Discussion. It was unecessary and abnocious of me. I'm sorry for wasting everyones time too. You're all really wonderful people and I look foward to meeting you.
Add me on AIM: DontAskEmily
Add me on MSN: Dontaskemily@gmail.com
Bye!
[Editor’s Note: Totally sic. D:]
-Faux!Bella.
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The 667er: Welcome, All Due Respect. Thank you for joining us.
All Due Respect: My pleasure!
[Editor’s Note: *yawn*…don’t understand how you lot get yourself to read this…]
The 667er: How old are you?
All Due Respect: 15. I think on my profile it says 16 but I had to lie when I registered I think.
The 667er: Closer to fourteen or closer to sixteen?
All Due Respect: Closer to fourteen.
The 667er: What did you eat for dinner last night?
All Due Respect: What a weird question! Roast chicken and mashed potatoes.
The 667er: I have a string collection. Do you?
All Due Respect: Umm no that's kind of strange...I have an old record collection though.
The 667er: Do you like wood? I mean wood such as wood paneling on the wall.
All Due Respect: Yeah especially in floors.
The 667er: So you consider the floor to be the wall. Interesting.
All Due Respect: LOL
The 667er: What is your favorite colour?
All Due Respect: Lavender. What's yours?
The 667er: Colours are for sissies. Who's the one being interviewed here?
The 667er: What is your favourite section on 667?
All Due Respect: Wait let me think...The End (it’s great to read the speculations) and Miscellaneous (good for chatting).
The 667er: Do you like to chat?
All Due Respect: Depends on who I'm talking to of course.
The 667er: Who is your favourite member on 667?
All Due Respect: Well I haven’t been back long enough to have a real favorite member. Can I just say two whom I admire?
The 667er: No. Really, this is the strangest tea party I've ever been to.
All Due Respect: Jeez you're a strict interviewer! Then I guess my favorite member is Antenora - she's a dutiful moderator.
The 667er: You bet she is.
The 667er: Is there anything you'd like to say to the general public of 667?
All Due Respect: Yeah! It's great to be back. I can't wait for The End to finally be released next month...... I hope to be of service in the coming months (until the homework piles up of course) and I'm really curious about that locked section with the numbers... Oh and don’t forget to credit me with the banner!
The 667er: Thanks, smiley.
-Libitina.
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