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Post by B. on Feb 17, 2012 2:39:03 GMT -5
I wrote this a while ago and would love to know what you think. It is about Lemony and Beatrice's first meeting. I'm sorry if the paragraphing looks wrong, it's copied and pasted from my fanfiction, and the paragraphing is one of the many annoying quirks of the site. I would love to know your thoughts, please let me know if there is anything I can do to improve, or if there are any errors timeline or story wise. ------------------------- Meeting
Lemony Snicket, eleven years old, stood in the enormous room made of green wood. He was dressed smartly, with a green necktie and a silver pin that nestled proudly atop it bearing the insignia of the organization. It was his first official VFD lesson. He was nervous, yes, but excited. Excited to begin training to rid the world of fire, as his brother and sister had already.
Leaning back against the bench he looked around the room. It was huge, and very very elegant. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and elaborately patterned rugs decorated the floor. The walls were painted a deep green, to symbolize the emerald lumber. He recalled the book he had read on the subject. Manufactured in Paltryville, the wood was not dried out before use, unlike other woods. This meant that the wood would burn less easily, giving volunteers a few crucial seconds to get out alive. Lemony had always been told the evil of fire, how it consumed everything with an undying greed, leaving behind only ashes and sorrow.
The grand door creaked open and in walked three people. These were the first of his classmates he would meet. The first person was a boy who looked around a year older than Lemony. He was taller than him, and broader shouldered. He had caramel coloured hair and tanned skin, everything Lemony was not. Unknown to Lemony this was Bertrand.
The second person was a tall girl, a good deal older than him, with long black hair and topaz eyes. Unknown to him this was the future duchess of Winnipeg, and a dear friend.
The third person was also a girl but unlike the other two she was petite. She looked a year younger than Lemony and had hazelnut coloured hair and blazing brown eyes. She was wearing an elegant scarlet gown and her hair was tied back in a green ribbon. The first thing he noticed was her beauty, from her small pointed nose, to her long dark eyelashes, to her rose shaped mouth. Unknown to him this was the person who would change his life forever. This was Beatrice.
These three people stood looking at Lemony. He said nothing looking away. At eleven years old Lemony was an awkward shy boy, but he wanted desperately to say something interesting and funny to the beautiful girl.
He looked up right into her eyes, and for the first time their eyes met. He cleared his throat. "I always thought that showing up early for an event like a masked ball or code class, was one of the signs of a noble person." She looked taken aback and looked downwards whilst the other two merely stared. He noticed a faint colour in her cheeks- she was blushing.
Lemony thought he had embarrassed her, thought that she would never want to become friends with him or even talk to him. Unknown to him, Beatrice was delighted to be spoken to be such a charming person. She turned away with the future duchess and Bertrand and the three talked silently together, leaving Lemony in anguish. Every now and then Beatrice would look over her shoulder and give Lemony a smile, which his mistook for a sneer. He had embarrassed her and now they would never speak again.
He stayed alone, worrying, as the three spoke, and even as other students began to arrive. As the old man dressed in a chequered jacket poked his head around the door and called them in, Lemony walked into class alone.
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Post by Dante on Feb 17, 2012 4:15:48 GMT -5
Brunch, I don't have much time to write this, but let me put in a few words: The description is pretty strong, and your writing and characterisation are good. The only tip I can think of is that you don't need quite so many paragraph breaks. A lot of these lines fit conceptually better together in a single paragraph than separated out.
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Post by B. on Feb 17, 2012 7:07:26 GMT -5
Thankyou; The paragraphing has been been fixed, hopefully now its a little easier on the eye.
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Post by Hermes on Feb 17, 2012 15:06:06 GMT -5
Excellent! I have always wanted to know how he embarrassed her. And B is Bertrand is it? I had supposed it was a girl, but this is very plausible too.
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Post by B. on Feb 17, 2012 16:08:25 GMT -5
Thankyou, Hermes and CV! Yes, B is Bertrand.
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Post by B. on Feb 21, 2012 16:17:01 GMT -5
I dug up another Chapter/Continuum: Thoughts are always appreciated.
***
Lemony sat miserably in code class next to a horrible smelling boy with one ugly eye brow and yellow teeth. He was supposed to be paying attention to the older gentleman in the chequered jacket, but his mind was only on Beatrice. Somewhere behind him he could hear the tall tanned boy whispering to her, but she did not reply. Lemony wanted to turn around to look at her, but he dared not, and was afraid of making her blush again.
He sat in anguish for about twenty minutes, his brain barely processing the information on codes. Here and there he caught snatches of information on a code named after Gustav someone-or-other. After twenty minutes, he decided to write her a note. That way she could make up her own mind about whether or not she wanted to talk to him. Silently, with his eyes on the teacher all the time, he put him hand into his jacket pocket. Feeling inside past a packet of loathsome peppermints and a map of the training school he felt one of the red note cards that he had had printed especially for his new life as a volunteer. It was red and it bore the words “LEMONY SNICKET: STUDENT OF RHETORIC.” He was not an official student of rhetoric yet, but he had always been interested in it and hoped to study it. He kept one eye on the teacher and the other on the card as he began to write:
3rd Period
I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. I only wanted to talk to you. You looked like an interesting person, and I enjoyed very much your report on the history of the sonnet I saw displayed in the head teacher’s office. If you would care to spend afternoon recess together, meet me outside the East Gate, where there is a good café nearby that serves excellent root beer floats. I will be the eleven year old boy wearing a green necktie and a pin with the insignia of our organization.
Below he drew a map of the route from the East Gate to the café, that was shaped roughly like an “E.” He re-read the note over a few times, to check for spelling and grammar errors, even though these had always been one of his strong points. Finally he re-read it for the last time, trying to imagine it from her perspective. He was just re-reading the second last line for the ninth time when suddenly he heard the old teacher announce, “Now children, if you’d like to get into pairs, where you can do the first exercise.”
Lemony straightened up, aghast. He had missed something vital, and now he would surely be expelled from VFD school. He stood up from the desk. All around the room students were pairing up, in fact everyone seemed to have a pair except Lemony and the boy with the single eyebrow. It was just as he was beginning to fear being partnered with this unpleasant person that he heard the tall boy behind speaking to the Beautiful girl, “I’m sorry Beatrice, I’m going to go with R, but you won’t have to go with Olaf. You could go with the other boy, the one who spoke to you before class.”
She walked up to him, and stretching up slightly she tapped him on the shoulder. She was smiling, but looked a little awkward, and the same pale blush had returned to her cheeks. “Excuse me sir,” she said with the same painful formality, “I was wondering up you would like to pair up with me to work on this exercise on the code invented by Gustav Sebald.” For a moment Lemony was quiet, but then he lost his shyness, “Madam I would love to.”
The two stood awkwardly together whilst the old professor explained the exercise. Of course Lemony was only half listening with Beatrice standing next to him, but from what he could gather it was a simple enough code started with the word or sound “ring” and ended the same. Ten words were nonsense followed by the coded word. He looked around the classroom at the other trainee volunteers standing side by side. Most were listening intently. The girl who’d been referred to as “R” was smiling warmly at both Lemony and Beatrice; meanwhile the tall boy had his brow furrowed slightly as he looked at the two together.
It was at the end of the explanation the ugly one eye-browed boy spoke up. “Sir….”he whined to the professor, “I haven’t got a partner….” He was eventually paired with Lemony and Beatrice. Both disliked working with him, but they both found it enjoyable to work together, and very soon some of the awkwardness had melted away. At the end of the exercise the Professor announced for the pairs to shake hands and then return to their desk. Single Eye-brow shook Beatrice’s hand first, which made her wince somewhat, and then Lemony shook her hand. This gesture was not the only thing exchanged between the two. Through his hand Lemony slipped Beatrice the red note card, she smiled at him as she felt it. Then she was walking back to her desk to sit with R and the other boy. As she returned Lemony thought he saw her discreetly slip the note into her dress pocket.
He stood at the East Gate, waiting for her. According to his watch she had been it had been exactly thirteen minutes and twenty nine seconds into recess. Nervously, he straightened his necktie. As he waited longer, a horrible thought began to play on his mind. What if she didn’t turn up? What if she’d just felt sorry for him in code class, and secretly hated him? Of course, she didn’t like him- who would choose a slight eleven year old boy over a boy who looked at least fifteen? He turned around in anguish, away from the crowded playground where students were either in debate or doing homework, and began to walk towards the café. Perhaps he could still enjoy a good root beer float, he thought miserably.
He was just about to do just that, when he heard her voice behind him. “Sorry I’m late….it took longer than I thought to get out of theatrics.” “Beatrice!” he could hardly contain his surprise and joy, but then he formalized his tone. “Thank-you very much for joining me. It’s my pleasure to take you to a rather good café that serves excellent root beer floats.” She smiled at him. “Thank-you for inviting me Mr.Snicket. Tell me, what exactly are root beer floats like? I’m afraid I’ve never had the pleasure of trying one.” “They are excellent, I’m sure you’ll enjoy them very much,” he said extending his arm out awkwardly for her to take. She took it and they began to walk along, round the corner to the café. There was something about her which made Lemony feel as if he had known her for years. He supposed he was being silly….but he couldn’t shake the feeling.
------ The ending is a little off, I know, but as said before all thoughts and tips for improvement are greatly appreciated.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Mar 23, 2012 10:29:45 GMT -5
I've gotta admit that reading this has gotten my cuteness radar screaming! ;D Lemony is so adorable! The way he and Beatrice are eleven and ten, with the vocabulary of their elders has the power to charm the stripes right off a pinstripe suit. It's been nearly five years since I've read TBL, so I can't remember for sure if they referred to one another as "sir" and "madam" during their childhood. Regardless, it was still very nice to read, here. I love Lemony's shyness, and the continuity of shyness as to whether or not he's offended Beatrice, what she thinks of him, etc. It really is so him.It's funny, as well as a little sad, that no one would partner up with Olaf. Awww. By the way, I really liked your introductions of the characters. I had a lot of fun trying to figure out who everyone was until the end of each paragraph. I'm looking forward to reading more of this. You're a terrific writer, Brunch. *Edit* I'd just like to add that I thought the ending was absolutely fine. It opens the doors to contemplation, which is always a good way to end a chapter. It's hard to say if the familiarity of Beatrice to Lemony is literal or figurative, but that's one of the things that makes the subject so enjoyable to deliberate upon.
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Post by Christmas Chief on Mar 23, 2012 15:18:27 GMT -5
My, I hadn't seen this earlier, but enjoyed it very much. Indeed your premise is promising, and explores one of my favorite areas in the ASOUE universe. What I like best is how you recreate the setting through the characters. “Sir….”he whined to the professor, “I haven’t got a partner…." Perfect.
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Post by Dante on Mar 23, 2012 16:04:48 GMT -5
Yes, I didn't spot this earlier either; don't lose heart over that, Brunch, it's very good. I think it's a good sign that it's longer, too; you're finding ways to juice a scene of all its potential interest. I think it's good that you're treating Olaf as a kid, too - an unpleasant one, but not the monster that he will become. Everyone's a kid at some point. And I guess the flat-footed teacher was too oblivious to realise he was asking his class to group into pairs when there was one odd person out, but that's true of plenty of real teachers (as well as being accurate to the character).
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Post by B. on Mar 23, 2012 16:33:21 GMT -5
@emma: Thank-you very much for your kind comments. Lemony is probably my favourite character in the series, because he's quite mysterious and I imagine him as a naturally shy/awkward person. It'll be interesting to see other sides of him in ATWQ.
@sherry-Ann: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed reading.
@dante: Thank-you. Being an odd person out comes from personal experience, mostly.
As for continuation, I'm pretty sure I did plan to write more. I have a chemistry test on Tuesday/Wednesday, but I will try and update afterwards.
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Post by B. on Mar 24, 2012 5:35:05 GMT -5
A few years had passed. Lemony and Beatrice had become firm friends, and Lemony was friendly with Ramona, the duchess of Winnipeg’s daughter. He was on speaking terms with Bertrand.
V.F.D training was going well, despite the fact that a terrible schism was raging through the noble organization. There were rumours that they would have to more head-quarters soon.
The only major problem he’d had occurred last year. The neophytes were choosing the subjects they would specialise in, and then use them in later life to aid the organisation’s noble cause. Beatrice had chosen straight away to go into acting, as had Ramona. Lemony had almost decided to follow them, for they were his only two friends, but his mind had been swayed by his elder brother.
“Lemony,” Jacques had said to him one night, “I know you are considering studying theatrics, yes?” Lemony nodded, mutely. He was not looking forward to it. “Lemony, with all due respect, but you cannot act for root beer floats. The theatrics professor loathes you. Would you really be suited to that particular profession?” “But Ramona and Beatrice, they’re my only friends, you see-” “Lemony we both know you want to study Rhetoric. Why not choose that profession, as I have.” “Where will our post be?” “The Punctilio, most likely.” “The Punctilio?” Lemony screwed up his face in disgust, “That paper prints nothing but lies!” “Well here is your chance to change that, do something you like, and help our organisation.” “Fine.”
Code class was a subject required to be studied by all students, so Lemony still held hope that he might have Ramona or Beatrice with him in that class, but he had ended up stuck with O. It was a dull subject too. He had hoped they would learn a variety of different codes, but it turned out since the schism the only codes they were teaching were Seabald, Verse Fluctuation Declaration, Verbal Fridge Dialogue and how to use Vernacular Fastening Devices as well as the occasional exercise on anagrams.
All the lessons in this class were repetitive- he had heard about the eleventh coded word, and the coded pickle sandwich dozens of times before, so he often found time to type Beatrice a letter, whilst pretending to take notes.
Dear Beatrice, I’m writing you this letter, as usual, for no particular reason, and I’ll try to have R. deliver it to you so you can read it before fencing practice. It’s easy to write letters during code class, as the tedious flat-footed instructor simply mutters the same lessons about business letter writing over and over. He’ll probably drone on for years and years to come.
At least they still had fencing practice together, although Lemony could never bring himself to fence Beatrice, as she usually beat him.
Meanwhile lucky people such as yourself are in theatrics. I can hear you romping around the creaky wooden floor above me. You and R. are probably learning how to convey coded messages in melodramatic dialogue as I write this. The only other student I know in this class is O. who is nothing but an annoyance. As I write he is filling his notebook with anagrams of obscene words. I’m tempted to tell him there is no such thing as “a wet viper perm” but after the incident with the bottle of ink and the root beer float, I think it’s better to spend my time inside “My Silence knot” whenever the nitwit raised his ugly, one-eyebrowed head.
Lemony still sometimes wished he’d taken theatrics, even though his was hopelessly shy and prone to dramatic bouts of stage-fright. If only to be with Beatrice he would happily go through that everyday. He glanced over at O. Ever since they’d learnt about anagrams, the ugly nitwit had been a little obsessed with them. Lemony recalled the day when he’d forced everyone to call him “Al Funcoot.” What could “a wet viper perm mean?” He supposed it was “Pre-emptive war” but of course nobody knew what really went on inside that strange one-eyebrowed head. Still he wasn’t one to ever contradict O.- he didn’t want to take a mouthful of ink along with root beer ever again. As for “My Silence knot” it was something of a private joke between Lemony and Beatrice, after she’d noticed that “Lemony Snicket” was an anagram for it.
He finished typing the letter be saying he was excited about the upcoming excursion. Of course Beatrice would partner Ramona….Lemony wondered who he’d be with, and hoped it wasn’t O. His sister had told him about her past trip there, and how there’d been bats in the caves. “Baticeer” was another private joke, after Lemony had noticed it was an anagram for Beatrice. She would use it to disguise herself as a simple bat trainer in years to come.
Lemony finished writing, and noiselessly pulled it off the typewriter, which he’d fondly nicknamed Qwerty. He reread what he’d written, wondering if it sounded gushy or too mushy or just plain sappy. In the end though, he simply drew a little picture of the mountains and signed his name. He glanced at the clock. Only ten minutes until the class finished.
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Post by Dante on Mar 24, 2012 6:11:28 GMT -5
I like how you interlaced this chapter (and indeed others) with quotes from TBL and with other references from here and there in the series. This chapter is more of a review one than an event in itself, I see - looking chiefly at a period of time in retrospect rather than a single incident as it occurs, but you've executed that fairly well with the interjection of the flashback with Jacques. This is looking good.
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Post by Christmas Chief on Mar 24, 2012 7:13:30 GMT -5
I like the clear TBL base, and explanations behind it. Interesting Jacques was the one who convinced Lemony to switch from theater to rhetoric. Fine detail about Lemony's typewriter, too.
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Post by Hermes on Mar 24, 2012 14:54:55 GMT -5
Very interesting! I, too, particularly liked the Qwerty reference. And Ramona is the future Duchess - that is quite a striking idea.
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Post by B. on Mar 24, 2012 15:27:20 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone. New chapter about the climbing excursion up tomorrow.
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