Post by bryan on Dec 17, 2012 21:15:19 GMT -5
For my first day for the advent calender, I wrote a whodunnit murder mystery. Except since I originally had the 21st, instead of a murder mystery, it's a who-caused-the-apocalypse mystery. Just so you know, the night is presented from the view points of different people, and stories do overlap. This was put together fast, so suspend you're disbeliefs, ignore science, and enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was almost Christmas time at 667 and everyone was partyin hardyin. Tragedy had been planning this party for weeks.
Something Dark was ahead for the Avenue though. The morning of the party, Dante was doing some usual early morning research. There was one single book open on the table in the dark library that morning. "How to Prepare the Perfect Apocalypse," the title read. Curiosity got the best of Dante. He began reading, but a grave look washed over his face. Dante frantically hustled around the library, but things only got worse. He found other apocalypse how-to books in the library. He knew that he needed help.
The party was beginning though. Music began to play in the main hall, cigars were lit and bottles were popped in the 18+ lounge, and ovens were preheated in the kitchen. There was a light snow falling outside, the building's interior was cheerfully decorated, every one of 667 Dark Avenue's members were in attendance, and everyone was as crunk as could be.
On the upper floors though, Dante was running down the halls, trying to stop impending doom.
~
Dante
Dante ran downstairs to the 18+ lounge (where there was a hard party) where he threw down Hermes' cigar and pulled him into the hallway.
"Quick," Dante said. "Name three others who can aid us in research."
"Uh..." said Hermes, " Sherry Ann is always helpful... and Charlie Snicket and Mister MD have been helpful as of late... why?"
"No time." Dante ran downstairs to the main hall where most of the younger 667ers were. He grabbed Sherry Ann, Charlie Snicket, and Mister MD, who were on the outskirts of a circle of people surrounding Bee and Groge on the dance floor, and pulled them from the main hall back to the elevator.
"Now I'm sure you're all wondering what we're doing," Dante said. "I have found out that it's possible to singlehandedly bring on the apocalypse, and in multiple ways. I have reason to believe that multiple people will be attempting to bring on the apocalypse tonight."
"What?" everyone asked in unison.
"I think you're being a bit rash, Dante," Hermes said.
"No. Trust me. I've done the research, done the science, done the math. It's possible." Everyone just accepted this just because.
The elevator stopped near the top of the building at the library. Dante pulled them all inside.
"Now, along with a book I found earlier, I found four other how-to apocalypse books that are here for some reason. Here's the thing though. All of these books are void of dust, meaning they've been looked at recently. Using radio metric dating and scent, I've concluded that five different people have each recently looked at one of these how-to apocalypse books. This means that there are five different people trying to cause the apocalypse tonight in five different ways. If it weren't for one careless doom-bringer who left their book out, I may have never known what might happen tonight. You may ask 'how do you know these apocalypsi would all occur tonight?' Well the books were all looked at at different times within the past three days, and all of them have one thing in common: their rituals or methods must occur during a full moon. When is the soonest full moon, you ask? The 21st. Tonight."
"Now Dante," Sherry Ann started, "this seems like it's just full of plot holes."
"Probably. But whatever," Dante answered. "Now, I have laid out the four other books on the apocalypse. Read up. Educate yourselves. Perhaps we can find some way to stop this travesty."
If anyone but Dante was speaking, Hermes, Sherry Ann, Mister MD, and Charlie Snicket would have just laughed. But it was Dante, and he was serious. He rushed them each to one of the books he had laid out, then returned to the one he had found early in the morning.
The apocalypse sure can be messy, but it doesn't have to! Did you know that with just a Shepard's pie and a full moon, you can create a nuclear weapon that's so strong that you can end the world with it? It's true!
To start off, prepare the Shepard pie's crust. This is done with the typical ingredients and spices, but with a dash of nutmeg! Shh! Don't tell anyone this secret! The nutmeg will kill everybody!
The second step is the most important. In this Shepard's pie, you don't use beef or chicken, but lamb! The lamb, however, must be harvested during a full moon. This is because there needs to be a minimal, yet existent, level of vitamin D in the lamb, the appropriate amount of which is only available during a full moon.
Add this to an oven preheated to 350°, and boom! The vitamins and spices mix in the heat and detonate the entire world! Congratulations!
Apocalypse protip: Eating the raw lamb you harvested will reconfigure you're body's genetic makeup and allow you to survive the apocalypse if you so wish!
Good luck!
Dante looked up from the book. Lamb Shepard's pie... he thought. Maybe that's what Lady Grantham is preparing for everyone tonight... Oh no... I have to hurry-"
But then Dante saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Lady Grantham
The kitchens of 667 were hardly partlyin as there was so much work to be done. Lady Grantham had had to go so far as to enlist the help of Anka Anwhistle and Lemona Snicket.
The extra hands weren't enough to calm her nerves though. LG had JUST gotten done with her finals, and being so caught up in them, she completely forgot that she was in charge of the dinner being held the night of the big party, the 21st. Tonight.
"Oh no! Lady Grantham cried. "Lemona," she asked, "what am I going to do?!"
"Lady G! Wait!" cried Anka, running into the kitchen's tight quarters where Lady Grantham and Lemona Snicket were. "Wait! I have it!" She was waving a slip of paper in the air.
"What is it?" asked Lemona.
"Dinner!" answered Anka.
Lady Grantham took the slip of paper and read from it. "Shepard's pie? That's perfect! The perfect winter meal! Well, let's get started."
Lady Grantham, Anka Anwhistle, and Lemona Snicket set to work. Lady Grantham sent Anka and Lemona to start on the crust while she studied the recipe and preheated the oven.
This is all fine... Lady Grantham thought. But... Wait... Lamb meat? "Anka!" she yelled. "I'm going to need you to get me some lamb meat."
"Okay, I guess." Anka ran out of the kitchen, only to return a second later with a plastic bag of raw lamb.
"Oh! Thanks!" said Lady Grantham. "Hey Lemona, are you done the crust?"
"Here it is!" Lemona answered, carrying it over. Lady Grantham and Anka put the filling and lamb meat into the pie.
"Here we go..." said Lady Grantham, gingerly putting the pie in the oven and shutting the door. But then Lady Grantham saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Anka Anwhistle
It was almost time for the big 667 Christmas party, and everyone was trying to hardy up their party, but Anka Anwhistle was hurrying through the halls, making her way to the library for a recipe book. Suddenly, she was met by Sophie and Sixteen walking out of the elevator together.
"Anka, hey!" said Sophie.
"Hi Sophie! Hi Sixteen!" Sixteen nodded. "Where are you guys going?"
"Outside!" said Sophie. "What about you?"
"Going upstairs for a recipe book. Lemona, LG, and I still need something to make for dinner tonight."
"Oh!" said Sophie. "I just found an awesome recipe. Here!" She said, handing Anka a slip of paper with a handwritten recipe on it.
"You're a lifesaver, Sophie!" said Anka appreciatively. Anka ran back to the kitchen and gave the slip to Lady Grantham.
"Shepard's pie? That's perfect!" Lady Grantham said.
Anka and Lemona got started on the pie crust, being sure to add nutmeg, which was emphasized in the recipe. Eventually though, Lady Grantham informed Anka that she needed to find some lamb meat for the recipe.
Upon the request, Anka answered "Okay, I guess," but was really thinking, where am I supposed to find god damn lamb meat? Luckily though, she didn't have to worry about this too long. As she left the kitchen she was met outside in the hallway by Sixteen, who was just standing next to the door. "Oh, hi," she said.
"H-hi," said Sixteen shakily. "Sophie said you- you needed this." He pulled a plastic bag of raw meat out of his jacket.
"Uh..."
"It's... it's sheep."
"Oh, wow! Where did you get this?" Anka asked.
"The... the fridge? Just take it."
"Oh, thanks!" said Anka enthusiastically.
Anka brought the meat inside and finished the pie. She and Lemona watched as Lady Grantham put it in the oven and shut the door. But then Anka saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Hermes
Hermes was hardyin partyin with everyone in the 18+ lounge when Dante gathered him, Sherry Ann, Charlie Snicket, and Mister MD upstairs to the library with him. Dante was gravely serious and pushed them all in front of a book which provided a way to bring on the apocalypse during the 21st's full moon.
Hermes read from the book Dante had put him in front of.
Music is one of the most powerful elements known to man. It can not only cause happiness and joy, but total destruction. Music has the capability to bring on the end of the end.
Under the light of a full moon, unique oxygen particles are produced by plant life. When met with the correct pattern of vibrations, these particles can split. It takes only one to begin a chain reaction resulting in all other oxygen particles in the world splitting. Overall, with the right vibrations, you can end the world. You require three kinds of vibrations.
1. A high pitched electronic sound
2. A low guttural scraping
3. A medium pitched vibration, usually found in animal vocal chords
When combined under a full moon, these sounds can be deadly to the fate of mankind.
Hermes looked up from the book. "Dante..." he began. But then Hermes saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Pen
Everyone in the main hall was having the hardest of parts, but not everyone was satisfied.
"We need some good music up in here," said Pen, unhappy with the pop song playing. Tryina, Lucas, epershand, and everyone else in the main hall just ignored him.
Pen sat in his seat at the hall, irritated. He got up and angrily walked past all the tables and chairs, through the crowd, past the dance floor, and up to the spot where DJ Bat Wayne was sitting, in front of her sound system.
"Mind if I..." he asked.
"Go ahead," said Bat Wayne. Pen pushed Bat Wayne out of her seat. "Time to harden up this party," he said. He took out a CD he had been preemptively carrying with him, and a low pitched scraping noise filled the main hall, echoing off the walls.
"OH MY GOD, TURN IT OFF," yelled Tryina.
"WHAT IS THIS?" asked Bat Wayne.
"THE NEW SINGLE FROM MY FAVORITE BAND," yelled Pen over the music. "'THE GRIMY DOORKNOBS.'"
"GET YOUR HIPSTER ISH OUT OF HERE!" someone else yelled.
"YEAH! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" people had begun to chant.
Pen got even more mad. He threw over the speakers. "FINE," he yelled, taking his CD out of the knocked over player. He looked over the crowd from the stage, everyone now quiet. "I'LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I'M MORE APPRECIATED." He jumped off of the stage and ran out.
"Don't worry, 'Grimy Doorknobs'..." Pen said to himself as he walked out of the side door. "We'll go somewhere where people can appreciate our hipster hearts." Pen continued to follow the path, eventually leading him to the barn outside of the apartment building.
Just as he reched it though, he ran into Sophie and a sullen looking Sixteen leaving.
"Uh... Hi Pen," said Sophie, chewing on something.
"Hi? ...What are you doing?"
"Oh! Sixteen just... wanted to show me something."
"Oh. Good enough for me. Later."
Pen opened the barn doors and walked inside. In the barn there was a work table, bales of hay, empty horse stables, and a pen in the back with something inside that Pen couldn't see. He looked around for a moment until he spotted a CD player on the work bench. He walked over to it and put the CD in, delightedly.
Just then, the barn doors opened again and Lucas Denoument walked in.
"What do you want?" Pen asked.
"Oh. Uh, the same thing you do. To just... play my music."
"What do you mean?" Pen asked.
"Oh, well after you left I tried to play my K-Pop... but they wouldn't let me."
"Oh... well... who needs them, right?"
"Right!" said Lucas.
"We can have an even better party than everyone else!"
"Yeah!"
"Let's pump up the jams!"
"Wooo!"
Then Lucas pulled out a K-Pop CD from his pocket. He walked over to the CD player on the bench, but Pen put his hand up.
"No," said Pen. "K-Pop is still terrible."
Lucas suddenly pulled out another CD player from under the work bench and put his CD in.
Pen hit play. The same low scraping noise from before filled the barn. Then Lucas hit play, and Pen's sound was mixed with an electronic beat. Pen turned his up, making the sound even more guttural. Lucas turned his player up, making the sound even more high pitched. Pen took his CD player and tried to mount it on the wall for even more overpowering acoustics, right above the door. Lucas went to the opposite end of the barn, near the pen, to do the same. He turned his up higher, and then looked into the pen.
"UH... PEN... WAIT-" he shouted over the conflicting, eardrum piercing sounds. Pen couldn't hear though. Pen turned his music up as high as it could go. But then Pen saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
Lucas
Lucas was partyly hardyly in the main hall with everyone else when he walked up to DJ Bat Wayne.
"Hey..." he said, looking over his shoulder at Pen, who was sitting at a table. "Can you play the latest pop hit?"
"Sure," she said. Lucas walked back to the crowd, sitting next to Tryina, and watched as Pen got up and walked over to DJ Bat Wayne, putting his own CD in the player and pushing play. A low pitched scraping noise filled the main hall.
"Ugh," Lucas said to Tryina. "Someone should stop this."
"You're right," she said, then shouted, "OH MY GOD, TURN IT OFF."
"GET YOUR HIPSTER ISH OUT OF HERE," someone else shouted, agreeing with Tryina.
"YEAH! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Lucas began to shout.
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" people began to chant with him. Lucas watched as Pen knocked over the speakers, grabbed his CD, yelled a little bit, and left.
Lucas reached into his jacket pocket and made sure he had his K-Pop CD with him. After waiting a moment, he headed outside. While walking along the path towards the barn, he saw Sophie and Sixteen, both carrying something inside of their coats. Lucas said hi, and Sophie exchanged it, but Sixteen just glumly grunted. Lucas got to the barn and opened the door.
"What do you want?" Pen asked.
"Oh. Uh, the same thing you do. To just... play my music."
"What do you mean?" Pen asked.
"Oh, well after you left I tried to play my K-Pop... but they wouldn't let me."
"Oh... well... who needs them, right?"
"Right!" said Lucas.
"We can have an even better party than everyone else!"
"Yeah!"
"Let's pump up the jams!"
"Wooo!"
Then Lucas pulled out the K-Pop CD from his pocket. He walked over to the CD player on the bench, but Pen put his hand up.
"No," said Pen. "K-Pop is still terrible."
Lucas was starting to get irritated, but just pulled another CD player out from under the work bench that he knew was there. Just as Pen played his low guttural scraping, Lucas played his high-pitched, electronic beat. Pen turned his up, so Lucas did the same. Pen took his player to one side of the barn near the doors for better acoustics, and Lucas did the same near the other side of the barn. He decided that since things were probably right about to reach a fatal point, he better go check on the other part of the plan. Lucas turned his music up again, and then looked into the pen he was standing next to. He didn't see what he was expecting to though. Instead of live, bleating, baby sheep, he saw dead, mutilated, baby sheep carcasses.
"UH... PEN... WAIT-" he shouted over the music, but Pen couldn't hear as he turned his player up. Lucas tried to shout louder. But then Lucas saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
Mister MD
"Come on Sherry Ann! It'll be fun! I already convinced Bee and Groge to do that Scottish dance of theirs!"
"Oh... Oh fine. I'll do it! I'll sing your karaoke! What song is it?"
"Oh," answered Mister MD. "It's actually a Scottish song, called 'Scottish Lads and Haggis Fads!' It goes with the dance!"
"Oh..." answered Sherry Ann. "Sounds Scottish."
"Yeah, it'll be fun! Here, let me put on your mic."
But just then, Dante and Hermes rushed in and grabbed both of them, along with Charlie Snicket, and brought them to the library.
Dante began to talk of the apocalypse. He was certain it was going to happen tonight. Little did Dante know, Mister MD had plans of his own for tonight... To his surprise though, Dante brought up the possibility of there being five ways to end the world, and five people wanting to do it, and placed Mister MD in front of a book.
Alcohol and cigars aren't uncommon forms of entertainment, but with a proficient amount of both under a full moon, a dangerous reaction can occur.
When enough is present, alcohol can create fumes that are just as flammable as liquid alcohol. If there is also a large amount of any kind of tar or tobacco present, the smoke that has those chemicals in it can attach to the alcoholic fumes. The smoke can quickly spread, carrying the flammable alcohol with it. When this mixture is met with an open flame, which is often present in cigar smoking, it can quickly catch fire and spread throughout the world, ending all life.
Concern for this happening should be small though as the only people who can consume and be present around such a monstrous amount of alcohol consists of a small percentage of earth's Australians. Furthermore, the reaction must occur during a full moon when the oxygen in the air is thin and the smoke and fumes travel rapidly.
Mister MD looked up from his book. Oh come on, he thought to himself. First I can't have Bee and NOW I can't have the apocalypse? I have to get Sherry Ann singing in front of Bee and Groge before whoever else is trying to end the world succeeds.
"Sherry Ann!" he shouted. But then Mister MD saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
BSam!
BSam! was hardening up his party in the 18+ lounge and talking to Sixteen. He was surrounded by leather armchairs, fireplaces, wood paneling, alcohol, and other classy adult things.
"This is great, isn't it?" BSam! asked.
"Yeah, just us older 667ers, all together again." Sixteen looked around the room. Pandora, Shelly, Rellim, even Tragedy, and all the other 18+ 667ers where there. "To bad we'll have to go back to mingling with all of the younger 667ers when this is done, right?" Sixteen said jokingly.
"I think everything will be okay..." BSam! said, trailing off.
Just then, Sophie came into the 18+ lounge. "Hey Sixteen," she said, walking up to him. "Can I just ask you a few things?"
"Sure," he said, following her outside of the lounge.
BSam! got up and decided to get to work. He walked over to the bar, and picked up a platter full of cigars. He began to walk around offering them to everyone in the 18+ lounge. Everyone took one because they were all adults and all did adult things. He walked over to Songdrib.
"Hey Kyle, here, take a cigar."
"Sure, that's a very 18+ thing to do," Songdrib said as he took one.
"HEY!" Songbird shouted, popping up from behind the bar. "THERE IS NO SMOKING INSIDE."
"Oh come one," Songdrib said.
"NO. OUT TO THE BALCONY. GO NOW."
"OH MY GOD, YOU AND YOUR RULES," Songdrib yelled, going to the balcony.
"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT," Songbird yelled after him, taking a cigar and pursuing him.
BSam! continued to offer people in the 18+ lounge cigars until everyone had one. Even Hermes took one, despite leaving with Dante a moment later.
"Hey Rellim," BSam! called. "Do you know where Linda or LSwannabe is?"
"No," she answered. "Do you know we're Willis is?"
"Uh yeah, he's..." But just then, Willis walked into the room, carrying a crate of hard liquor. He put it in a corner with several others. BSam! left Rellim and walked over to him.
"Hey, how's it going?" Willis asked.
"Good, everyone has a cigar and they'll all be on a second soon. I've already started drinking."
"Well, we have to hurry... keep going."
"Why?" BSam! asked.
"Never mind... I just... never mind. Keep going."
BSam! nodded. He sat down next to the five or so cases of liquor that were in the corner. He pulled a pressure gauge out of his pocket. "Everyone here has had about five cases all together, and according to this thing," he said pointing at the gauge, "it will only take about ten. So five more should do it. By then everyone will have probably used all of the cigars."
"Alright, well then..." said Willis, getting a cigar and a drink, "let's keep going."
Then, over the next hour or so, Willis and BSam! popped bottle after bottle and lit up cigar after cigar. BSam! began easily, but started to have trouble near the fourth case. Sure enough though, he was able to get it all down. As he emptied the last drops, he turned to Willis.
"Ay... Thuh lass tingado?"
"What?"
"Thuh suggaaaahhh..."
"Oh, right," said Willis. "The last cigar. I have it right here." Then BSam! passed out. He woke up not to long later to the sound of someone shouting, "JUST EAT THIS NOW." A moment later he was about to ask what was happening. But then BSam! saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Willis
Willis was in the cellar of 667 Dark Avenue, trying to help hardy the party by bringing up several cases of assorted liquor. He had already brought up nine, so this would be the final one. It was heavy, but Willis just kept thinking about how he had to make these good times last...
He got into the elevator and went upstairs to the 18+ lounge. As he got out though, he heard something strange. From around the corner of the hallway, he heard two people.
"But... why do I have to?" a man asked.
"I don't know anything about god damn sheep," said a girl.
"I can't. I won't"
"Then I'll kill you. Right now."
"...Fine... I-I'll do it. Why do you need it though?"
"You'll find out soon."
"I'll tell everyone what you did," the man said firmly.
"Fine. But after you help me."
Willis waited there, nervously listening. Then Sixteen and Sophie walked around the corner.
"Oh-" said Sophie, surprised.
"H-hi."
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"No... no." Willis pushed past her, glancing at Sixteen. He had no idea what they were talking about, but Willis decided that he and BSam! should hurry up. He could turn around and try to stop Sophie... or he could just hurry up and carry on with his and BSam!'s plan, which would stop her anyway.
He walked in to the 18+ lounge and put the case of liquor in the corner with the others he had brought up. After greeting BSam!, he said that they should hurry up. He didn't want Sophie to hurt Sixteen. BSam! informed him that he only had to drink the remaining five cases of alcohol before the plan was set off. Willis picked up a cigar and left him to it. He had begun to pass out all the cigars that were remaining until there was only one left. Willis walked back over to BSam!.
"Ay..." BSam! said. "Thuh lass tingado."
"What?"
"Thuh suggaaaahhh..."
"Oh, right," said Willis. "The last cigar. I have it right here." And then BSam! passed out. Willis reached into his pocket and took out the pressure gauge. According to it, all he and BSam! needed was the lighting of one more cigar. Willis wanted this to be special though. He was saving the final cigar for the man who had started such a wonderful community... before it changed. This will be ironic... Willis thought. He will have started and ended it all... "Hey Tragedy!" he shouted while walking over to him. "This is the last cigar, and I'm saving it just for you!"
"Wow, thanks Willis."
"No problem." Willis followed him as he walked up the couple of steps to the area in front of the fireplace to grab a lighter off of the mantle.
"Hey!" shouted Shelly as she saw Tragedy walk up to the front of the room. "Speech! Speeech!"
"Speech! Speech! Speech!" others began to chant.
"Haha, okay everybody," Tragedy said.
"No no no no no," said Willis, trying to stop him.
"Oh come on Willis. Boo!" shouted Pandora.
"Fine," said Willis, irritated.
"I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being here. Most of you have been with us for a while and are good friends. Seeing everyone here makes me miss the old 667, honestly, but it's still great that we have a community here. So, without further ado..." Tragedy lifted up the cigar and grabbed the lighter from the mantle-
"WAIT!" someone shouted. Everyone looked over to the door, where the voice came from. Sophie came running in to the room.
"GET OUT. RIGHT NOW," Willis shouted.
Sophie flashed him a dirty look, but then turned to Tragedy. "Hi-" she said, panting.
" ," said Tragedy.
"Why... why won't you say anything to me?"
" "
"Fine... will you just- here." Sophie pulled a bag out of her pocket, which had some pink, strange-looking meat in it. "Eat this."
" ." Sophie, still facing Tragedy, started eyeing Tragedy's audience nervously, shifting in her place.
"Please..." she said.
" ."
Everyone was looking at her. She took a tiny piece of meat out of the bag and held it out to him. "Fine just- please eat this," she said desperately, her voice shaking.
"JUST LEAVE, MAGEE!" Pandora shouted.
"Yeah!" people in the audience confirmed.
"JUST EAT THIS NOW!" Sophie yelled.
"Oh my god, fine, just do it," Willis said, getting impatient.
" ," said Tragedy one last time. He took a bit of the meat from Sophie and ate it quickly.
"Thank you," said Sophie, hugging him. She looked at him again, then left.
"Well now that that's done..." said Tragedy to a few uncomfortable laughs from the audience. "Happy holidays 667!" He held out the cigar and lifted the lighter. Willis held his breath. But then Willis saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Sherry Ann
Sherry Ann was having some hardy party in the main hall and was just about to sing some Scottish karaoke as Mister MD had convinced her, but she was interrupted when Dante pulled her, Mister MD, and Charlie Snicket to the library with him.
He said that he was certain that there were people at 667 who would try to start the apocalypse tonight. He pushed her in front of a book and told her to educate herself so they could try to stop whatever was going to happen.
Before reading though, Sherry Ann turned off the mic that Mister MD had put on her for the karaoke. There was no point in wasting the battery, was there?
Scottish Lads and Haggis Fads was a popular Scottish folk song in ancient times. It was sing by everyone. It was a form of fun until an evil sorcerer took it upon himself to make it trigger the end of the world. He despised the song so much that he created a dance, that when performed in the presence of the song being sung during a full moon, would end all life.
The dance was introduced as a Scottish tradition, and is actually still taught today, but the threat of an apocalypse has diminished greatly as the song is long forgotten. Here are the lyrics though.
Theres a fine Scottish lad
He has that crazy haggis fad
He eats it all throughout the day
Then he'll dance a jig and trot away
When sung in front of the dance performance that all Scots know, the Apocalypse will be triggered.
Sherry Ann looked up from the book after saying the lyrics to herself.
I already convinced Bee and Groge to do that Scottish dance of theirs! Mister MD had said.
He wanted to end the world? Sherry Ann thought in exasperation. "MISTER MD-" she began to shout. But then Sherry Ann saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Charlie Snicket
Charlie Snicket was trying to party his hardy in the main hall with Groge and Bee when he was rushed upstairs into the library by Dante and Hermes along with Sherry Ann and Mister MD.
Dante informed him that the apocalypse was to occur tonight, on the 21st's full moon. Charlie was pushed in front of a book and told to start reading.
There is a tale that speaks of a man who intended to cast the ultimate revenge upon a world that had forsaken him. A poor beggar learned of terrible magic from a dark sorcerer and intended to use it to end the world.
The dark sorcerer informed the beggar that he must first capture a set of twins, and then either learn, or capture someone who speaks, an alien language of their choosing. Lastly, they must capture a religious follower.
Next, the sorcerer said, they must assemble under a full moon. The ceremony's conducter must prompt the religious follower to begin reading scripts of their god's vengeance. Next the conducted must either begin to or prompt he who is knowledgable of doing so translate what the person reading the scriptures is saying into the alien language of choice. While this happens, a sacrifice must be made of the the twins and their blood must be spilled.
This ceremony will bring forward both a religious god and a swarm of aliens to entirely demolish the world. The beggar tried this desperately, but could find no twins. He found a set of brothers and attempted the ceremony, but to no avail. The beggar died many years later, hateful and alone.
Charlie Snicket looked up from his book. "A man who intended to cast the ultimate revenge upon a world that had forsaken him..." he whispered. "Guys!" Charlie Snicket said. "The person in this story sounds like someone we know... Hey-" But then Charlie saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
LSwannabe
LSwannabe was in the 18+ lounge, getting ready for a hard party after Linda Rhaldeen had asked her to help out. Linda was going out to the balcony to hang some lights while LSwannabe was tidying up inside. All of a sudden, LSwannabe heard Linda shout out, "HELP!"
LSwannabe ran outside just in time to see Linda being pulled over the railing by something-or someone. Slowly, LSwannabe approached the railing to see what had happened. She reached the edge and apprehensively looked over. Suddenly, a hand shot out from underneath the balcony and grabbed her. Then everything went black.
LSwannabe began to fade back into consiousness. She couldn't remember what had happened.
"Wha?" she uttered.
"Oh!" said a woman's voice. "You're awake!"
LSwannabe's eyes shot open. She looked around her and tried to walk, but she realized that her legs were restrained to the ground. She was sitting on a cold stone floor. It was dark, and she appeared to be in 667's expansive, empty basement. She was forcibly sitting with her back to a window, and her front to the door. She saw two people sitting in chairs, tied back to back with sacks over their heads. She felt someone to her right. She saw Linda Rhaldeen, blindfolded and in the same position as LSWannabe. Between them though, there was a woman wearing a black robe and hood, free of restraints. The woman turned to face LSwannabe.
"Hi Beth!" said Countess Violet.
"I- I-" LSwannabe was speechless.
"You're probably wondering why I brought you here, huh?" asked Countess Violet.
"...Yes..." said LSwannabe, nervously.
"Well, you see, I've been treated very badly by those here at 667. I mean, except for you of course. That's why you're not blindfolded. You were always so nice."
"Then why-"
"Well I've decided to kill everyone."
"...What?" asked LSwannabe in disbelief.
"Yes. That's right. I mean I don't want you to die, but I can't just save the two of us. I'm starting the apocalypse tonight, and you can't stop me. In fact, you will help me!"
"What? No I won't..."
"Yes, you will. If not, you'll die, and the apocalypse will happen anyway. You can't stop it. You can either help me and die painlessly, or suffer until the world's last collective breath."
LSwannabe, ashamedly, asked "what do you need me to do?"
"Well, Linda here will begin reading scriptures from her mormon bible, said Countess Violet, stabbing Linda in the leg to awake her, lifting her blindfold, and throwing a bible into her hands, "and you will translate what she's saying into that alien language of yours. Klingon." LSwannabe didn't say anything. "Meanwhile, I'll stab them," she continued, motioning towards the two tied in chairs back to back. "Now," Countess Violet pointed at Linda, "read."
"Wh-why?" asked Linda.
"Just do it or I'll cut you again," Countess Violet said, with a tiny smile at LSwannabe, as if they were sharing an inside joke.
Linda began reading, her voice shaking. "Now, Beth, if you could just translate for me..."
"You don't have to do this," LSwannabe pleaded. "You don't-"
"BETH," Countess Violet shouted in anger. "TRANSLATE." And Beth did. She closed her eyes as Countess Violet walked over to the two in chairs. She blocked out the shouting and yelling she heard. She stopped translating for a moment, with tears in her eyes, but she was met with a sharp slap. "BETH. CONTINUE," Countess Violet ordered, accenting her last word with a sharp stab to the leg. Countess Violet twisted the knife, and LSwannabe continued translating, just wanting it all to be over. But then LSwannabe saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Songbird
Songbird was hardly partlyin hardlyin, though she was trying. She was with everyone in the 18+ lounge, and was headed to the bar to get a drink to calm her nerves.
Okay Songbird, relax. Sure, NO ONE is using a coaster here, but there's no need to freak out tonight. Just chill out. We're having funnn, yaaaay. Songbird bent down behind the bar to grab a bottle when she heard BSam! offer Songdrib a cigar. He was about to light it. This was going to far.
"HEY," she shouted. "THERE IS NO SMOKING INSIDE."
"Oh come one," Songdrib said.
"NO. OUT TO THE BALCONY. GO NOW."
"OH MY GOD, YOU AND YOUR RULES," he retorted, heading outside.
"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT," Songbird yelled, grabbing a cigar and pursuing him.
Songdrib lit his cigar outside and looked over the balcony. Songbird came up behind him and did the same. "Sorry for yelling-" Songbird started.
"It's okay," said Songdrib.
"LET ME FINISH. SORRY, BUT THERE'S NO SMOKING INSIDE." All of a sudden, Songdrib dissapeared over the edge of the balcony. "DON'T YOU JUMP TO YOUR DEATH AWAY FROM ME-" but then she was pulled off, and everything went black.
She awoke to sounds of screaming, and people talking. She tried to open her eyes, but couldn't see anything. She tried to move but was restrained. She was sitting with a sack over her head and with her arms and legs tied to a chair. She realized that the talking was coming from her left side, but the screaming was coming from right behind her.
"WHO'S THERE?" she yelled.
"SONGBIRD?" yelled the screaming man behind her.
"SONGDRIB?" she answered.
"OH MY GOD OF COURSE. WOW. I WAS JUST SMOKING INSIDE. STOP KILLING ME."
"What? No, I'm not-" but then a knife was driven into her side. "AUUUUGH!"
"YOU'RE NOT WHAT?" Songdrib shouted.
"DOING THIS."
"You should be nicer to your twin," said a voice Songbird recognized.
"What?! We're not... wait... Countess Violet?!"
"YOU'RE NOT TWINS?" Countess Violet shouted.
"WHAT THE potato IS HAPPENING," yelled Songdrib. "LIKE REALLY I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE." But then Songbird saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who were the people who attempted to cause the apocalypse? Which method did each of them use? Why did they do it? Who was actually succesful? You can probably tell.
But did any of the 667ers survivEeEeEeEeEeEe?
Feel free to figure it out on your own (you're able to, y'know), or just come back on Friday the 21st, and try to get here before the actual apocalypse happens, to find out what happens next. Wheeeeee
Happy holidays!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
667 Dark Avenue's Christmas Party Apocalypse
It was almost Christmas time at 667 and everyone was partyin hardyin. Tragedy had been planning this party for weeks.
Something Dark was ahead for the Avenue though. The morning of the party, Dante was doing some usual early morning research. There was one single book open on the table in the dark library that morning. "How to Prepare the Perfect Apocalypse," the title read. Curiosity got the best of Dante. He began reading, but a grave look washed over his face. Dante frantically hustled around the library, but things only got worse. He found other apocalypse how-to books in the library. He knew that he needed help.
The party was beginning though. Music began to play in the main hall, cigars were lit and bottles were popped in the 18+ lounge, and ovens were preheated in the kitchen. There was a light snow falling outside, the building's interior was cheerfully decorated, every one of 667 Dark Avenue's members were in attendance, and everyone was as crunk as could be.
On the upper floors though, Dante was running down the halls, trying to stop impending doom.
~
Dante
Dante ran downstairs to the 18+ lounge (where there was a hard party) where he threw down Hermes' cigar and pulled him into the hallway.
"Quick," Dante said. "Name three others who can aid us in research."
"Uh..." said Hermes, " Sherry Ann is always helpful... and Charlie Snicket and Mister MD have been helpful as of late... why?"
"No time." Dante ran downstairs to the main hall where most of the younger 667ers were. He grabbed Sherry Ann, Charlie Snicket, and Mister MD, who were on the outskirts of a circle of people surrounding Bee and Groge on the dance floor, and pulled them from the main hall back to the elevator.
"Now I'm sure you're all wondering what we're doing," Dante said. "I have found out that it's possible to singlehandedly bring on the apocalypse, and in multiple ways. I have reason to believe that multiple people will be attempting to bring on the apocalypse tonight."
"What?" everyone asked in unison.
"I think you're being a bit rash, Dante," Hermes said.
"No. Trust me. I've done the research, done the science, done the math. It's possible." Everyone just accepted this just because.
The elevator stopped near the top of the building at the library. Dante pulled them all inside.
"Now, along with a book I found earlier, I found four other how-to apocalypse books that are here for some reason. Here's the thing though. All of these books are void of dust, meaning they've been looked at recently. Using radio metric dating and scent, I've concluded that five different people have each recently looked at one of these how-to apocalypse books. This means that there are five different people trying to cause the apocalypse tonight in five different ways. If it weren't for one careless doom-bringer who left their book out, I may have never known what might happen tonight. You may ask 'how do you know these apocalypsi would all occur tonight?' Well the books were all looked at at different times within the past three days, and all of them have one thing in common: their rituals or methods must occur during a full moon. When is the soonest full moon, you ask? The 21st. Tonight."
"Now Dante," Sherry Ann started, "this seems like it's just full of plot holes."
"Probably. But whatever," Dante answered. "Now, I have laid out the four other books on the apocalypse. Read up. Educate yourselves. Perhaps we can find some way to stop this travesty."
If anyone but Dante was speaking, Hermes, Sherry Ann, Mister MD, and Charlie Snicket would have just laughed. But it was Dante, and he was serious. He rushed them each to one of the books he had laid out, then returned to the one he had found early in the morning.
How to Prepare the Perfect Apocalypse
The apocalypse sure can be messy, but it doesn't have to! Did you know that with just a Shepard's pie and a full moon, you can create a nuclear weapon that's so strong that you can end the world with it? It's true!
To start off, prepare the Shepard pie's crust. This is done with the typical ingredients and spices, but with a dash of nutmeg! Shh! Don't tell anyone this secret! The nutmeg will kill everybody!
The second step is the most important. In this Shepard's pie, you don't use beef or chicken, but lamb! The lamb, however, must be harvested during a full moon. This is because there needs to be a minimal, yet existent, level of vitamin D in the lamb, the appropriate amount of which is only available during a full moon.
Add this to an oven preheated to 350°, and boom! The vitamins and spices mix in the heat and detonate the entire world! Congratulations!
Apocalypse protip: Eating the raw lamb you harvested will reconfigure you're body's genetic makeup and allow you to survive the apocalypse if you so wish!
Good luck!
Dante looked up from the book. Lamb Shepard's pie... he thought. Maybe that's what Lady Grantham is preparing for everyone tonight... Oh no... I have to hurry-"
But then Dante saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Lady Grantham
The kitchens of 667 were hardly partlyin as there was so much work to be done. Lady Grantham had had to go so far as to enlist the help of Anka Anwhistle and Lemona Snicket.
The extra hands weren't enough to calm her nerves though. LG had JUST gotten done with her finals, and being so caught up in them, she completely forgot that she was in charge of the dinner being held the night of the big party, the 21st. Tonight.
"Oh no! Lady Grantham cried. "Lemona," she asked, "what am I going to do?!"
"Lady G! Wait!" cried Anka, running into the kitchen's tight quarters where Lady Grantham and Lemona Snicket were. "Wait! I have it!" She was waving a slip of paper in the air.
"What is it?" asked Lemona.
"Dinner!" answered Anka.
Lady Grantham took the slip of paper and read from it. "Shepard's pie? That's perfect! The perfect winter meal! Well, let's get started."
Lady Grantham, Anka Anwhistle, and Lemona Snicket set to work. Lady Grantham sent Anka and Lemona to start on the crust while she studied the recipe and preheated the oven.
This is all fine... Lady Grantham thought. But... Wait... Lamb meat? "Anka!" she yelled. "I'm going to need you to get me some lamb meat."
"Okay, I guess." Anka ran out of the kitchen, only to return a second later with a plastic bag of raw lamb.
"Oh! Thanks!" said Lady Grantham. "Hey Lemona, are you done the crust?"
"Here it is!" Lemona answered, carrying it over. Lady Grantham and Anka put the filling and lamb meat into the pie.
"Here we go..." said Lady Grantham, gingerly putting the pie in the oven and shutting the door. But then Lady Grantham saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Anka Anwhistle
It was almost time for the big 667 Christmas party, and everyone was trying to hardy up their party, but Anka Anwhistle was hurrying through the halls, making her way to the library for a recipe book. Suddenly, she was met by Sophie and Sixteen walking out of the elevator together.
"Anka, hey!" said Sophie.
"Hi Sophie! Hi Sixteen!" Sixteen nodded. "Where are you guys going?"
"Outside!" said Sophie. "What about you?"
"Going upstairs for a recipe book. Lemona, LG, and I still need something to make for dinner tonight."
"Oh!" said Sophie. "I just found an awesome recipe. Here!" She said, handing Anka a slip of paper with a handwritten recipe on it.
"You're a lifesaver, Sophie!" said Anka appreciatively. Anka ran back to the kitchen and gave the slip to Lady Grantham.
"Shepard's pie? That's perfect!" Lady Grantham said.
Anka and Lemona got started on the pie crust, being sure to add nutmeg, which was emphasized in the recipe. Eventually though, Lady Grantham informed Anka that she needed to find some lamb meat for the recipe.
Upon the request, Anka answered "Okay, I guess," but was really thinking, where am I supposed to find god damn lamb meat? Luckily though, she didn't have to worry about this too long. As she left the kitchen she was met outside in the hallway by Sixteen, who was just standing next to the door. "Oh, hi," she said.
"H-hi," said Sixteen shakily. "Sophie said you- you needed this." He pulled a plastic bag of raw meat out of his jacket.
"Uh..."
"It's... it's sheep."
"Oh, wow! Where did you get this?" Anka asked.
"The... the fridge? Just take it."
"Oh, thanks!" said Anka enthusiastically.
Anka brought the meat inside and finished the pie. She and Lemona watched as Lady Grantham put it in the oven and shut the door. But then Anka saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Hermes
Hermes was hardyin partyin with everyone in the 18+ lounge when Dante gathered him, Sherry Ann, Charlie Snicket, and Mister MD upstairs to the library with him. Dante was gravely serious and pushed them all in front of a book which provided a way to bring on the apocalypse during the 21st's full moon.
Hermes read from the book Dante had put him in front of.
Full Moons & Music Dooms: How to End the World
Music is one of the most powerful elements known to man. It can not only cause happiness and joy, but total destruction. Music has the capability to bring on the end of the end.
Under the light of a full moon, unique oxygen particles are produced by plant life. When met with the correct pattern of vibrations, these particles can split. It takes only one to begin a chain reaction resulting in all other oxygen particles in the world splitting. Overall, with the right vibrations, you can end the world. You require three kinds of vibrations.
1. A high pitched electronic sound
2. A low guttural scraping
3. A medium pitched vibration, usually found in animal vocal chords
When combined under a full moon, these sounds can be deadly to the fate of mankind.
Hermes looked up from the book. "Dante..." he began. But then Hermes saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Pen
Everyone in the main hall was having the hardest of parts, but not everyone was satisfied.
"We need some good music up in here," said Pen, unhappy with the pop song playing. Tryina, Lucas, epershand, and everyone else in the main hall just ignored him.
Pen sat in his seat at the hall, irritated. He got up and angrily walked past all the tables and chairs, through the crowd, past the dance floor, and up to the spot where DJ Bat Wayne was sitting, in front of her sound system.
"Mind if I..." he asked.
"Go ahead," said Bat Wayne. Pen pushed Bat Wayne out of her seat. "Time to harden up this party," he said. He took out a CD he had been preemptively carrying with him, and a low pitched scraping noise filled the main hall, echoing off the walls.
"OH MY GOD, TURN IT OFF," yelled Tryina.
"WHAT IS THIS?" asked Bat Wayne.
"THE NEW SINGLE FROM MY FAVORITE BAND," yelled Pen over the music. "'THE GRIMY DOORKNOBS.'"
"GET YOUR HIPSTER ISH OUT OF HERE!" someone else yelled.
"YEAH! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" people had begun to chant.
Pen got even more mad. He threw over the speakers. "FINE," he yelled, taking his CD out of the knocked over player. He looked over the crowd from the stage, everyone now quiet. "I'LL GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I'M MORE APPRECIATED." He jumped off of the stage and ran out.
"Don't worry, 'Grimy Doorknobs'..." Pen said to himself as he walked out of the side door. "We'll go somewhere where people can appreciate our hipster hearts." Pen continued to follow the path, eventually leading him to the barn outside of the apartment building.
Just as he reched it though, he ran into Sophie and a sullen looking Sixteen leaving.
"Uh... Hi Pen," said Sophie, chewing on something.
"Hi? ...What are you doing?"
"Oh! Sixteen just... wanted to show me something."
"Oh. Good enough for me. Later."
Pen opened the barn doors and walked inside. In the barn there was a work table, bales of hay, empty horse stables, and a pen in the back with something inside that Pen couldn't see. He looked around for a moment until he spotted a CD player on the work bench. He walked over to it and put the CD in, delightedly.
Just then, the barn doors opened again and Lucas Denoument walked in.
"What do you want?" Pen asked.
"Oh. Uh, the same thing you do. To just... play my music."
"What do you mean?" Pen asked.
"Oh, well after you left I tried to play my K-Pop... but they wouldn't let me."
"Oh... well... who needs them, right?"
"Right!" said Lucas.
"We can have an even better party than everyone else!"
"Yeah!"
"Let's pump up the jams!"
"Wooo!"
Then Lucas pulled out a K-Pop CD from his pocket. He walked over to the CD player on the bench, but Pen put his hand up.
"No," said Pen. "K-Pop is still terrible."
Lucas suddenly pulled out another CD player from under the work bench and put his CD in.
Pen hit play. The same low scraping noise from before filled the barn. Then Lucas hit play, and Pen's sound was mixed with an electronic beat. Pen turned his up, making the sound even more guttural. Lucas turned his player up, making the sound even more high pitched. Pen took his CD player and tried to mount it on the wall for even more overpowering acoustics, right above the door. Lucas went to the opposite end of the barn, near the pen, to do the same. He turned his up higher, and then looked into the pen.
"UH... PEN... WAIT-" he shouted over the conflicting, eardrum piercing sounds. Pen couldn't hear though. Pen turned his music up as high as it could go. But then Pen saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
Lucas
Lucas was partyly hardyly in the main hall with everyone else when he walked up to DJ Bat Wayne.
"Hey..." he said, looking over his shoulder at Pen, who was sitting at a table. "Can you play the latest pop hit?"
"Sure," she said. Lucas walked back to the crowd, sitting next to Tryina, and watched as Pen got up and walked over to DJ Bat Wayne, putting his own CD in the player and pushing play. A low pitched scraping noise filled the main hall.
"Ugh," Lucas said to Tryina. "Someone should stop this."
"You're right," she said, then shouted, "OH MY GOD, TURN IT OFF."
"GET YOUR HIPSTER ISH OUT OF HERE," someone else shouted, agreeing with Tryina.
"YEAH! GET OUT! GET OUT!" Lucas began to shout.
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" people began to chant with him. Lucas watched as Pen knocked over the speakers, grabbed his CD, yelled a little bit, and left.
Lucas reached into his jacket pocket and made sure he had his K-Pop CD with him. After waiting a moment, he headed outside. While walking along the path towards the barn, he saw Sophie and Sixteen, both carrying something inside of their coats. Lucas said hi, and Sophie exchanged it, but Sixteen just glumly grunted. Lucas got to the barn and opened the door.
"What do you want?" Pen asked.
"Oh. Uh, the same thing you do. To just... play my music."
"What do you mean?" Pen asked.
"Oh, well after you left I tried to play my K-Pop... but they wouldn't let me."
"Oh... well... who needs them, right?"
"Right!" said Lucas.
"We can have an even better party than everyone else!"
"Yeah!"
"Let's pump up the jams!"
"Wooo!"
Then Lucas pulled out the K-Pop CD from his pocket. He walked over to the CD player on the bench, but Pen put his hand up.
"No," said Pen. "K-Pop is still terrible."
Lucas was starting to get irritated, but just pulled another CD player out from under the work bench that he knew was there. Just as Pen played his low guttural scraping, Lucas played his high-pitched, electronic beat. Pen turned his up, so Lucas did the same. Pen took his player to one side of the barn near the doors for better acoustics, and Lucas did the same near the other side of the barn. He decided that since things were probably right about to reach a fatal point, he better go check on the other part of the plan. Lucas turned his music up again, and then looked into the pen he was standing next to. He didn't see what he was expecting to though. Instead of live, bleating, baby sheep, he saw dead, mutilated, baby sheep carcasses.
"UH... PEN... WAIT-" he shouted over the music, but Pen couldn't hear as he turned his player up. Lucas tried to shout louder. But then Lucas saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
Mister MD
"Come on Sherry Ann! It'll be fun! I already convinced Bee and Groge to do that Scottish dance of theirs!"
"Oh... Oh fine. I'll do it! I'll sing your karaoke! What song is it?"
"Oh," answered Mister MD. "It's actually a Scottish song, called 'Scottish Lads and Haggis Fads!' It goes with the dance!"
"Oh..." answered Sherry Ann. "Sounds Scottish."
"Yeah, it'll be fun! Here, let me put on your mic."
But just then, Dante and Hermes rushed in and grabbed both of them, along with Charlie Snicket, and brought them to the library.
Dante began to talk of the apocalypse. He was certain it was going to happen tonight. Little did Dante know, Mister MD had plans of his own for tonight... To his surprise though, Dante brought up the possibility of there being five ways to end the world, and five people wanting to do it, and placed Mister MD in front of a book.
How a Good Understanding of Chemicals Can End the World
Alcohol and cigars aren't uncommon forms of entertainment, but with a proficient amount of both under a full moon, a dangerous reaction can occur.
When enough is present, alcohol can create fumes that are just as flammable as liquid alcohol. If there is also a large amount of any kind of tar or tobacco present, the smoke that has those chemicals in it can attach to the alcoholic fumes. The smoke can quickly spread, carrying the flammable alcohol with it. When this mixture is met with an open flame, which is often present in cigar smoking, it can quickly catch fire and spread throughout the world, ending all life.
Concern for this happening should be small though as the only people who can consume and be present around such a monstrous amount of alcohol consists of a small percentage of earth's Australians. Furthermore, the reaction must occur during a full moon when the oxygen in the air is thin and the smoke and fumes travel rapidly.
Mister MD looked up from his book. Oh come on, he thought to himself. First I can't have Bee and NOW I can't have the apocalypse? I have to get Sherry Ann singing in front of Bee and Groge before whoever else is trying to end the world succeeds.
"Sherry Ann!" he shouted. But then Mister MD saw a bright flash, and everything stopped.
~
BSam!
BSam! was hardening up his party in the 18+ lounge and talking to Sixteen. He was surrounded by leather armchairs, fireplaces, wood paneling, alcohol, and other classy adult things.
"This is great, isn't it?" BSam! asked.
"Yeah, just us older 667ers, all together again." Sixteen looked around the room. Pandora, Shelly, Rellim, even Tragedy, and all the other 18+ 667ers where there. "To bad we'll have to go back to mingling with all of the younger 667ers when this is done, right?" Sixteen said jokingly.
"I think everything will be okay..." BSam! said, trailing off.
Just then, Sophie came into the 18+ lounge. "Hey Sixteen," she said, walking up to him. "Can I just ask you a few things?"
"Sure," he said, following her outside of the lounge.
BSam! got up and decided to get to work. He walked over to the bar, and picked up a platter full of cigars. He began to walk around offering them to everyone in the 18+ lounge. Everyone took one because they were all adults and all did adult things. He walked over to Songdrib.
"Hey Kyle, here, take a cigar."
"Sure, that's a very 18+ thing to do," Songdrib said as he took one.
"HEY!" Songbird shouted, popping up from behind the bar. "THERE IS NO SMOKING INSIDE."
"Oh come one," Songdrib said.
"NO. OUT TO THE BALCONY. GO NOW."
"OH MY GOD, YOU AND YOUR RULES," Songdrib yelled, going to the balcony.
"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT," Songbird yelled after him, taking a cigar and pursuing him.
BSam! continued to offer people in the 18+ lounge cigars until everyone had one. Even Hermes took one, despite leaving with Dante a moment later.
"Hey Rellim," BSam! called. "Do you know where Linda or LSwannabe is?"
"No," she answered. "Do you know we're Willis is?"
"Uh yeah, he's..." But just then, Willis walked into the room, carrying a crate of hard liquor. He put it in a corner with several others. BSam! left Rellim and walked over to him.
"Hey, how's it going?" Willis asked.
"Good, everyone has a cigar and they'll all be on a second soon. I've already started drinking."
"Well, we have to hurry... keep going."
"Why?" BSam! asked.
"Never mind... I just... never mind. Keep going."
BSam! nodded. He sat down next to the five or so cases of liquor that were in the corner. He pulled a pressure gauge out of his pocket. "Everyone here has had about five cases all together, and according to this thing," he said pointing at the gauge, "it will only take about ten. So five more should do it. By then everyone will have probably used all of the cigars."
"Alright, well then..." said Willis, getting a cigar and a drink, "let's keep going."
Then, over the next hour or so, Willis and BSam! popped bottle after bottle and lit up cigar after cigar. BSam! began easily, but started to have trouble near the fourth case. Sure enough though, he was able to get it all down. As he emptied the last drops, he turned to Willis.
"Ay... Thuh lass tingado?"
"What?"
"Thuh suggaaaahhh..."
"Oh, right," said Willis. "The last cigar. I have it right here." Then BSam! passed out. He woke up not to long later to the sound of someone shouting, "JUST EAT THIS NOW." A moment later he was about to ask what was happening. But then BSam! saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Willis
Willis was in the cellar of 667 Dark Avenue, trying to help hardy the party by bringing up several cases of assorted liquor. He had already brought up nine, so this would be the final one. It was heavy, but Willis just kept thinking about how he had to make these good times last...
He got into the elevator and went upstairs to the 18+ lounge. As he got out though, he heard something strange. From around the corner of the hallway, he heard two people.
"But... why do I have to?" a man asked.
"I don't know anything about god damn sheep," said a girl.
"I can't. I won't"
"Then I'll kill you. Right now."
"...Fine... I-I'll do it. Why do you need it though?"
"You'll find out soon."
"I'll tell everyone what you did," the man said firmly.
"Fine. But after you help me."
Willis waited there, nervously listening. Then Sixteen and Sophie walked around the corner.
"Oh-" said Sophie, surprised.
"H-hi."
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"No... no." Willis pushed past her, glancing at Sixteen. He had no idea what they were talking about, but Willis decided that he and BSam! should hurry up. He could turn around and try to stop Sophie... or he could just hurry up and carry on with his and BSam!'s plan, which would stop her anyway.
He walked in to the 18+ lounge and put the case of liquor in the corner with the others he had brought up. After greeting BSam!, he said that they should hurry up. He didn't want Sophie to hurt Sixteen. BSam! informed him that he only had to drink the remaining five cases of alcohol before the plan was set off. Willis picked up a cigar and left him to it. He had begun to pass out all the cigars that were remaining until there was only one left. Willis walked back over to BSam!.
"Ay..." BSam! said. "Thuh lass tingado."
"What?"
"Thuh suggaaaahhh..."
"Oh, right," said Willis. "The last cigar. I have it right here." And then BSam! passed out. Willis reached into his pocket and took out the pressure gauge. According to it, all he and BSam! needed was the lighting of one more cigar. Willis wanted this to be special though. He was saving the final cigar for the man who had started such a wonderful community... before it changed. This will be ironic... Willis thought. He will have started and ended it all... "Hey Tragedy!" he shouted while walking over to him. "This is the last cigar, and I'm saving it just for you!"
"Wow, thanks Willis."
"No problem." Willis followed him as he walked up the couple of steps to the area in front of the fireplace to grab a lighter off of the mantle.
"Hey!" shouted Shelly as she saw Tragedy walk up to the front of the room. "Speech! Speeech!"
"Speech! Speech! Speech!" others began to chant.
"Haha, okay everybody," Tragedy said.
"No no no no no," said Willis, trying to stop him.
"Oh come on Willis. Boo!" shouted Pandora.
"Fine," said Willis, irritated.
"I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being here. Most of you have been with us for a while and are good friends. Seeing everyone here makes me miss the old 667, honestly, but it's still great that we have a community here. So, without further ado..." Tragedy lifted up the cigar and grabbed the lighter from the mantle-
"WAIT!" someone shouted. Everyone looked over to the door, where the voice came from. Sophie came running in to the room.
"GET OUT. RIGHT NOW," Willis shouted.
Sophie flashed him a dirty look, but then turned to Tragedy. "Hi-" she said, panting.
" ," said Tragedy.
"Why... why won't you say anything to me?"
" "
"Fine... will you just- here." Sophie pulled a bag out of her pocket, which had some pink, strange-looking meat in it. "Eat this."
" ." Sophie, still facing Tragedy, started eyeing Tragedy's audience nervously, shifting in her place.
"Please..." she said.
" ."
Everyone was looking at her. She took a tiny piece of meat out of the bag and held it out to him. "Fine just- please eat this," she said desperately, her voice shaking.
"JUST LEAVE, MAGEE!" Pandora shouted.
"Yeah!" people in the audience confirmed.
"JUST EAT THIS NOW!" Sophie yelled.
"Oh my god, fine, just do it," Willis said, getting impatient.
" ," said Tragedy one last time. He took a bit of the meat from Sophie and ate it quickly.
"Thank you," said Sophie, hugging him. She looked at him again, then left.
"Well now that that's done..." said Tragedy to a few uncomfortable laughs from the audience. "Happy holidays 667!" He held out the cigar and lifted the lighter. Willis held his breath. But then Willis saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Sherry Ann
Sherry Ann was having some hardy party in the main hall and was just about to sing some Scottish karaoke as Mister MD had convinced her, but she was interrupted when Dante pulled her, Mister MD, and Charlie Snicket to the library with him.
He said that he was certain that there were people at 667 who would try to start the apocalypse tonight. He pushed her in front of a book and told her to educate herself so they could try to stop whatever was going to happen.
Before reading though, Sherry Ann turned off the mic that Mister MD had put on her for the karaoke. There was no point in wasting the battery, was there?
Scottish Lads and Haggis Fads
Scottish Lads and Haggis Fads was a popular Scottish folk song in ancient times. It was sing by everyone. It was a form of fun until an evil sorcerer took it upon himself to make it trigger the end of the world. He despised the song so much that he created a dance, that when performed in the presence of the song being sung during a full moon, would end all life.
The dance was introduced as a Scottish tradition, and is actually still taught today, but the threat of an apocalypse has diminished greatly as the song is long forgotten. Here are the lyrics though.
Theres a fine Scottish lad
He has that crazy haggis fad
He eats it all throughout the day
Then he'll dance a jig and trot away
When sung in front of the dance performance that all Scots know, the Apocalypse will be triggered.
Sherry Ann looked up from the book after saying the lyrics to herself.
I already convinced Bee and Groge to do that Scottish dance of theirs! Mister MD had said.
He wanted to end the world? Sherry Ann thought in exasperation. "MISTER MD-" she began to shout. But then Sherry Ann saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Charlie Snicket
Charlie Snicket was trying to party his hardy in the main hall with Groge and Bee when he was rushed upstairs into the library by Dante and Hermes along with Sherry Ann and Mister MD.
Dante informed him that the apocalypse was to occur tonight, on the 21st's full moon. Charlie was pushed in front of a book and told to start reading.
How the World Ended
There is a tale that speaks of a man who intended to cast the ultimate revenge upon a world that had forsaken him. A poor beggar learned of terrible magic from a dark sorcerer and intended to use it to end the world.
The dark sorcerer informed the beggar that he must first capture a set of twins, and then either learn, or capture someone who speaks, an alien language of their choosing. Lastly, they must capture a religious follower.
Next, the sorcerer said, they must assemble under a full moon. The ceremony's conducter must prompt the religious follower to begin reading scripts of their god's vengeance. Next the conducted must either begin to or prompt he who is knowledgable of doing so translate what the person reading the scriptures is saying into the alien language of choice. While this happens, a sacrifice must be made of the the twins and their blood must be spilled.
This ceremony will bring forward both a religious god and a swarm of aliens to entirely demolish the world. The beggar tried this desperately, but could find no twins. He found a set of brothers and attempted the ceremony, but to no avail. The beggar died many years later, hateful and alone.
Charlie Snicket looked up from his book. "A man who intended to cast the ultimate revenge upon a world that had forsaken him..." he whispered. "Guys!" Charlie Snicket said. "The person in this story sounds like someone we know... Hey-" But then Charlie saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
LSwannabe
LSwannabe was in the 18+ lounge, getting ready for a hard party after Linda Rhaldeen had asked her to help out. Linda was going out to the balcony to hang some lights while LSwannabe was tidying up inside. All of a sudden, LSwannabe heard Linda shout out, "HELP!"
LSwannabe ran outside just in time to see Linda being pulled over the railing by something-or someone. Slowly, LSwannabe approached the railing to see what had happened. She reached the edge and apprehensively looked over. Suddenly, a hand shot out from underneath the balcony and grabbed her. Then everything went black.
LSwannabe began to fade back into consiousness. She couldn't remember what had happened.
"Wha?" she uttered.
"Oh!" said a woman's voice. "You're awake!"
LSwannabe's eyes shot open. She looked around her and tried to walk, but she realized that her legs were restrained to the ground. She was sitting on a cold stone floor. It was dark, and she appeared to be in 667's expansive, empty basement. She was forcibly sitting with her back to a window, and her front to the door. She saw two people sitting in chairs, tied back to back with sacks over their heads. She felt someone to her right. She saw Linda Rhaldeen, blindfolded and in the same position as LSWannabe. Between them though, there was a woman wearing a black robe and hood, free of restraints. The woman turned to face LSwannabe.
"Hi Beth!" said Countess Violet.
"I- I-" LSwannabe was speechless.
"You're probably wondering why I brought you here, huh?" asked Countess Violet.
"...Yes..." said LSwannabe, nervously.
"Well, you see, I've been treated very badly by those here at 667. I mean, except for you of course. That's why you're not blindfolded. You were always so nice."
"Then why-"
"Well I've decided to kill everyone."
"...What?" asked LSwannabe in disbelief.
"Yes. That's right. I mean I don't want you to die, but I can't just save the two of us. I'm starting the apocalypse tonight, and you can't stop me. In fact, you will help me!"
"What? No I won't..."
"Yes, you will. If not, you'll die, and the apocalypse will happen anyway. You can't stop it. You can either help me and die painlessly, or suffer until the world's last collective breath."
LSwannabe, ashamedly, asked "what do you need me to do?"
"Well, Linda here will begin reading scriptures from her mormon bible, said Countess Violet, stabbing Linda in the leg to awake her, lifting her blindfold, and throwing a bible into her hands, "and you will translate what she's saying into that alien language of yours. Klingon." LSwannabe didn't say anything. "Meanwhile, I'll stab them," she continued, motioning towards the two tied in chairs back to back. "Now," Countess Violet pointed at Linda, "read."
"Wh-why?" asked Linda.
"Just do it or I'll cut you again," Countess Violet said, with a tiny smile at LSwannabe, as if they were sharing an inside joke.
Linda began reading, her voice shaking. "Now, Beth, if you could just translate for me..."
"You don't have to do this," LSwannabe pleaded. "You don't-"
"BETH," Countess Violet shouted in anger. "TRANSLATE." And Beth did. She closed her eyes as Countess Violet walked over to the two in chairs. She blocked out the shouting and yelling she heard. She stopped translating for a moment, with tears in her eyes, but she was met with a sharp slap. "BETH. CONTINUE," Countess Violet ordered, accenting her last word with a sharp stab to the leg. Countess Violet twisted the knife, and LSwannabe continued translating, just wanting it all to be over. But then LSwannabe saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~
Songbird
Songbird was hardly partlyin hardlyin, though she was trying. She was with everyone in the 18+ lounge, and was headed to the bar to get a drink to calm her nerves.
Okay Songbird, relax. Sure, NO ONE is using a coaster here, but there's no need to freak out tonight. Just chill out. We're having funnn, yaaaay. Songbird bent down behind the bar to grab a bottle when she heard BSam! offer Songdrib a cigar. He was about to light it. This was going to far.
"HEY," she shouted. "THERE IS NO SMOKING INSIDE."
"Oh come one," Songdrib said.
"NO. OUT TO THE BALCONY. GO NOW."
"OH MY GOD, YOU AND YOUR RULES," he retorted, heading outside.
"DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT," Songbird yelled, grabbing a cigar and pursuing him.
Songdrib lit his cigar outside and looked over the balcony. Songbird came up behind him and did the same. "Sorry for yelling-" Songbird started.
"It's okay," said Songdrib.
"LET ME FINISH. SORRY, BUT THERE'S NO SMOKING INSIDE." All of a sudden, Songdrib dissapeared over the edge of the balcony. "DON'T YOU JUMP TO YOUR DEATH AWAY FROM ME-" but then she was pulled off, and everything went black.
She awoke to sounds of screaming, and people talking. She tried to open her eyes, but couldn't see anything. She tried to move but was restrained. She was sitting with a sack over her head and with her arms and legs tied to a chair. She realized that the talking was coming from her left side, but the screaming was coming from right behind her.
"WHO'S THERE?" she yelled.
"SONGBIRD?" yelled the screaming man behind her.
"SONGDRIB?" she answered.
"OH MY GOD OF COURSE. WOW. I WAS JUST SMOKING INSIDE. STOP KILLING ME."
"What? No, I'm not-" but then a knife was driven into her side. "AUUUUGH!"
"YOU'RE NOT WHAT?" Songdrib shouted.
"DOING THIS."
"You should be nicer to your twin," said a voice Songbird recognized.
"What?! We're not... wait... Countess Violet?!"
"YOU'RE NOT TWINS?" Countess Violet shouted.
"WHAT THE potato IS HAPPENING," yelled Songdrib. "LIKE REALLY I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE." But then Songbird saw a bright flash and everything stopped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who were the people who attempted to cause the apocalypse? Which method did each of them use? Why did they do it? Who was actually succesful? You can probably tell.
But did any of the 667ers survivEeEeEeEeEeEe?
Feel free to figure it out on your own (you're able to, y'know), or just come back on Friday the 21st, and try to get here before the actual apocalypse happens, to find out what happens next. Wheeeeee
Happy holidays!