Daniel Handler's Birthday 2013

[Dante]

Dear Sir,

As the match descends upon the candle and the candle descends upon the cake that is already filled with candles, so too do our yearly birthday congratulations descend upon your head, like a bitter apple too ripe for the tree, or the contents of an errant raincloud. We have been horribly lax about wishing you a happy day for the previous three hundred and sixty-four days, so surely the least we can do is to wish you a happy day of your birth, and hope for it not to be a day of jail cells and dusty peanuts, although an unexpected cake discovered in the refrigerator would probably not go amiss.

To celebrate your birthday, we thought we might ask the members of our organisation to write a few words of appreciation about your much-appreciated new series. However, when we consulted them, they had only questions – forty-three wrong questions, give or take a few hundred. There are many ways in which a question can be wrong, as we are coming to realise. A question can be wrong because it is asked at the wrong time, or the wrong place. It might be based on rumour and innuendo instead of facts about rumour and innuendo, or it might be too difficult or too impolite or too downright impossible to answer at all. A sub-librarian we hope we will come to admire said that somebody other than him said that in every library there is a single book that can answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind. Perhaps, within the next few years, certain books will appear in particular libraries that can answer some of these questions. Others, we suspect, may have to wait for much longer.


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With all due respect,

Anka Anwhistle, Antenora, Bee, Bryan, BSam, Charlie Snicket, Dante, Emma Squalor, F.D., Hermes, Kensicle, Lemona Snicket, Linda Rhaldeen, LSWannaBe, Lucas, Mister M, Pandora, Q.R.V., Sherry Ann, Sixteen, Sophie, Teleram, Terry Craig, thedoctororwell, Tragedy, Tryina Denouement, Willis

and all the other members of

667 Dark Avenue













P.S. Is there something we’ve forgotten?













P.P.S.

Happy Birthday!

~~~

Daniel Handler's Response:

WATCH THE MOVIE HERE.

Suspiciously Selected Screenshots

SPOILER: Click to show

Tragic Transcripts

SPOILER: Click to show

Discovered Pages #1

SPOILER: Click to show

fault it was that Ellington had slipped out of the
cell, while Dr. Flammarion and Nurse Dander
sat, handcuffed and forced to listen. The library
looked closed and locked up, although I thought
I saw a few moths fluttering near the entrance,
now that their home, a tall, broad tree, was gone.
I wondered if Dashiell Qwerty had finished all the
the work he was doing in the library. Perhaps
he was sleeping there now. "What happened?"
I asked finally.

"Kit's been arrested," my associate said. "My
sources tell me they got her just as she was try-
ing to open the hatch. It was too heavy for her to
open by herself.

I closed my eyes. It was even darker that
way. "She was not supposed to be by herself,"
I said.

"Snicket, I said before, it's not your fault."
"You can say it as many times as you want."
"Kit knew you wouldn't be there. She

[Below the text is a right-pointing arrow and a handwritten note, mostly illegible, but the end looks like "valley?" Also, "Dashiell Qwerty" is outlined and linked to another handwritten note in the margin which is only partly visible, apparently ending in "is?"]

decided to try anyway. And I can't blame her.
The Museum of Items hasn't had an exhibit
like that in years."

"Eighty-four years," I said. "If we don't get
the item now, we won't have another opportu-
nity in our lifetimes."

"She got the
There will
go to

Discovered Pages #2

SPOILER: Click to show

CHAPTER

"Lemony Snicket," she said right back to me
We stood and faced each other. I hadn't known
Ellington Feint very long, and you couldn't
quite say that we were friends. We both found
ourselves in Stain'd-by-the-Sea on mysterious
errands. We had both stolen the same statue,
and we were both searching for the same vil-
lain, and now the Cleo Knight case had thrown
us together again. But the Bombinating Beast,
fashioned after Stain'd-by-the-Sea's legendary

Answers Transcript

SPOILER: Click to show

Thanks for your questions. At long last I have some answers, although like their author and his manuscripts, I'm afraid they're not quite in order.

1. Oh yes, by many, many artists.

2. Brugh.

3. Caviar and Orvieto.

4. "Can?" "Must."

5. Authors should write, not speak, on lined paper.

6. No, thank you.

7. What time is it there?

8. Two is plenty, four is generous.

9. You seem to be assuming there's only one husband.

10. We are everywhere, aren't we?

11. No, but thanks for your concern.

12. Time for another, surely.

13. Those in the nest, presumably.

14. Bombination?

15. Ask the fox.

16. Girls aren't "spawn."

17. Croquet is cheaper, certainly.

18. No, thank you.

19. Most do.

20. What time is it?

21. Whom?

22. Always.

23. If you don't know, don't answer.

24. You're forgiven?

25. They're taken, is all that matters.

26. "Need?" or "Look elegant with?"

27. I don't see why not.

28. Something green.

29. A prisoner.

30. Important to whom?

31. If you promise to avoid wax.

32. "Yes."

33. Hope for the best, but bring a French press.

34. All sea creatures contain salt, no?

35. 9 + 4 = 13 (?)

36. One is too many for me.

37. They prefer the dark.

38. I think you mean "tremble."

39. Are those my only choices?

40. Why does anyone? For convenience, presumably, the great devastator.

41. Why shouldn’t you?

42. No.

43. Fallen.

File produced by Mr. Snicket; sent by his associate; screenshots, transcription, and hosting by Antenora and Dante.