Chapter 2 – Everyone’s a suspect
World famous detective/slangologist Sherry Ann was about to leave for the party at Willis’s house. She had spent all day preparing flow charts for the conversations she would have. Unfortunately, she kept coming up with ways the conversations might veer, so she had to create more potential flow charts, including the possibility that everybody forgot English and could only speak Turkish. By the time she had printed out all the pages and drove over to Willis’s mansion, the party was almost over. It was then that her keen ears heard Tragedy say the word mystery. She rang the doorbell, waited for all the guests to answer, then said enthusiastically “Did somebody say mystery?”
“How the potato did you hear that,” said Dante.
“You’re asking the wrong questions,” said Sherry Ann. “What you should have asked is “Why are you late to Willis’s party, on the night that he was murdered.” Everybody looked stunned again. How did she already know that? Anticipating their question, she said “Relax. You guys talk a lot louder than you think you do. I could hear Anka yelling ‘Willis has been murdered,’ from blocks away.” Everybody looked at Anka, who was notorious for being loud. She smiled at them, and they couldn’t stay mad at her.
“Wait a minute, who are you?” said BSam, making a classic joke. Sherry Ann was in no mood for jokes however.
“Well, I’m glad you asked,” she said. “Hermes, come here.” Out of the car came Hermes, her protégé and the oldest man in the world. He was carrying a boombox. He turned it on and the beat started. Sherry Ann began to rap. “Well my name is Sherry Ann, and I’m here to say. That I love to rap, in a detective way. Looking for clues, keeping gum off my shoes, this is just the life I choose. If I ever get into a pickle, I just think and then I Ickle*. When I say Sherry you say Ann. Sherry!”
“Ann!” said everybody.
“Sherry!”
“Ann!”
“When I say Iyi you say Gelecer. Iyi!”
“Gelecer!”
“Iyi!”
“Gelecer!”
Everybody started laughing because of how much fun they were having. Then they got sad because they remembered their good friend Willis was dead. Then they were confused because they didn’t know why they had just yelled good night in Turkish. Sherry Ann and the rest of the guests went back up to the murder room. “It’s great that you’re here, Sherry Ann,” said Tragedy. “But I think we can handle this. This first order of business is to figure out what weapon killed him. Was it a gun, a knife, a candlestick, a rope, a lead pipe, or a wrench.”
“There’s a bullet hole in his chest, you idiot. Those weapons would make completely different marks. Clue is a ridiculous game!” said everybody at the same time. Tragedy looked embarrassed as everybody glared at him.
“Anyways,” said Sherry Ann. The first thing to do is to figure out which of you brought a gun. This should be simple.” She approached Tragedy, and he sheepishly pulled a revolver out of his pocket. Everybody gasped.
“Tragedy, you sick potato. You killed Willis” said BSam.
“Patience, BSam. Here, let me check you next,” said Sherry Ann. She patted down BSam, and found he had an identical revolver. Everybody gasped again. Sherry Ann repeated this with every guest at the party. Every time, they had an identical revolver. Also, everybody gasped every time. It was really weird.
“Are you potatoing kidding me,” said Willis. “You all brought guns to my party?!? What is wrong with you people.” They all shrugged. Then Willis died again, for real this time. Sherry Ann started pacing. “Well, this is indeed a mystery. A real tough cookie to cracked. A truly brittle bagel. A yippering yank!” Everybody nodded respectfully at Sherry Ann’s flawless use of slang. “Unfortunately, Willis is dead. And Everyone’s A Suspect!”
All the guests started sputtering out defenses. “Willis and I are bros, I would never kill him,” said Tragedy. “He’s my own brother, I couldn’t do that,” said Rellim. “He was the second funniest person I knew,” said Bryan. “I hated him and plotted to kill him often, but that doesn’t mean I killed him now,” said Dante. “We were part of the brain trust, and the brain trust is forever,” said Bee. “Do I look like I would kill him,” said Anka smiling. “Agriculture, high five bro,” said BSam. Then Pandora got up to defend herself.
“How dare you accuse me of killing Willis! We are the closest of friends. We go back years and years when we co-founded Team Squad Inc., which as you all know is now the most profitable and successful company in the entire world.” Everybody took a moment to think reflectively about all the specific great things that Team Squad Inc. had done for them and for the world. “You have no reason to suspect me, and I’m insulted that you do.”
“Interesting,” said Sherry Ann. “I supposed I’ll have to check my files.” Everybody gasped. Sherry Ann’s files were a thing of legend. No one had ever actually laid eyes on them, but they were rumored to be the most informative documents in the world. Hermes wheeled in a locked filing cabinet. Sherry Ann took the key that was hanging around her neck, and unlocked the top drawer. She reached in and pulled out Pandora’s file.
“Wait a minute, your files contain ‘possible motive’s if Willis were murdered,” questioned Bryan.
“Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it,” retorted Sherry Ann. Nobody could fault her for this sound logic. “But what is the lottery incident,” asked Tragedy. Pandora stood silently. Then she started talking. “A long time ago, Willis sent me a lottery ticket in the mail. It was a winner, and so I agreed to send it back to him, and he would cash it in then send me my winnings. But he never did! He kept the money!”
Willis opened his eyes and started talking. “It got lost in the mail, I swear. Why would I keep it, we’re both millionaires in this universe and the ticket was for $50!”
“Why would you even mail it to me,” yelled Pandora. “We know each other in real life in this universe! In fact, why didn’t I just cash the lottery ticket myself since I clearly live in a close enough area to regularly attend parties you throw! I guess I didn’t really think about that until right now!” Then Willis died, for real real this time. Pandora composed herself and started again. “Willis and I had occasional disagreement, but I didn’t kill him.” Sherry Ann went to give Pandora a comforting hug before remembering that she didn’t hug people. “I can’t eliminate you as a suspect yet,” she said. “But now, let’s look into the rest of these files.”
*Ickle is a slang word Sherry Ann invented in real life.