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Post by Christmas Chief on Jun 27, 2013 14:09:22 GMT -5
Ironically, Bee is herself an invertebrate. At first I thought this was intended as an insult to the 667er, insinuating that Bee didn't have a backbone.
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Post by Hermes on Jun 27, 2013 15:03:45 GMT -5
Oh, Sherry Ann, would I? No, our Bee very definitely has a backbone. It was just a comment on her name.
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Post by Rellim on Jun 28, 2013 11:09:09 GMT -5
Ms. P would be so proud of your writing. Never stop.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2013 23:14:37 GMT -5
“The facts are these,” said Sherry Ann. “Willis was murdered by a gun precisely 3 hours, 32 minutes and 12 seconds ago. The murder weapon was a gun, and the murderer was somebody in this room. At first, I wasn’t sure who murdered Willis. After all, he is a smart, funny, handsome, creative and all around awesome guy. Everybody loves him! Which is why, in retrospect, the murderer was obvious. Dante murdered Willis.” Everyone gasped. “The first moment I began to grow suspicious was during the party games earlier.
Flashback – “Okay everybody, times up. Let’s hear what everybody had for this round of scattegories. The letter was M, and the first question was ‘things you do for fun’. Dante?” “I had murdering Willis,” said Dante calmly. “Okay. What about adorable things that a bear does.” “Maul Willis” “Okay, and things you can do with a gun.” “Shoot Willis.” “Oh dear, that doesn’t start with an M, Dante. No point for that one.”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” said Dante defiantly. “I was just trying to win the game. Like you said , Willis is popular, so I knew nobody else would choose those answers.” Sherry Ann paced methodically and said “Of course I considered that as a possible explanation. But then I remembered another scene from dinner.”
Flashback - “Willis, allow me to carve the main dish,” said Dante. He reached over and grabbed the knife, then swung is at Willis. “Whoa there, old pal. You almost accidentally stabbed me. Also, we don’t need to carve anything. We’re having salad, remember?”
The other guests started to get roused up. “You have been talking about killing him all night,” said Anka accusingly. “And you sent me that private message years ago when we were secret friends that said you said you wanted to kill him,” said Pandora, who said it boastfully since she had actually kept it a secret all these years, but in all likelihood she had probably just forgotten it. Sherry Ann reached into her pocket. “All that is true as well. But here’s the thing that truly gave it away. When my files spilled and I was desperately cleaning them up, you dropped a piece of paper. I wasn’t sure what it was at first, because earlier I wasn’t myself. You see, somebody switched my nonalcoholic water with regular water!” Everybody gasped. Sherry Ann picked up the water bottle she had been drinking out of, and pointed at the label. “Luckily for me, Antenora labels her water bottles, so I could easily tell that it was her who switched the bottles.” Dante started to sweat. He hadn’t expected this. Sherry Ann kept going. “I was suspicious earlier today when Antenora kept making conversation, because she usually isn’t much for mundane talk. But clearly you and Antenora plotted together to make me start drinking again. I had been a teetotaler for an entire year.” Sherry Ann paused for dramatic effect and to let everybody appreciate her use of a word of the day. “And I don’t think it’s the first time you did something with the purpose of pushing me to the bottle.” She opened the piece of paper Dante had dropped earlier. On it were elaborate blueprints to burn down a building. It matched exactly the crime scene where Sherry Ann had lost her love.
Dante stuttered, trying to come up with some sort of explanation. But he was at a loss for words. Sherry Ann wasn’t. “Antenora was on the force for a lot longer than I was. I learned a lot from her and respected her skills. But I was also a much better detective than her, and everyone knew it. I was meant to get the big promotion despite the fact that she was my superior by many years. I always assumed she was a little jealous, but I never thought much of it. I still knew I would get the promotion. That is, unless something caused my skills to deteriorate.” Dante’s face showed a look of horror, as he saw Sherry Ann deconstruct everything. “That fire wasn’t an accident. Something traumatic was supposed to happen to me, and Antenora was supposed to be there to offer me comfort in the form of a drink. You knew Willis would help me out again, so you had to get rid of him.” Sherry Ann took a second to compose herself. Dante’s jaw was still agape. Sherry Ann’s voice was trembling now. “It’s all adding up now. All my suspicions of foul play. I knew it wasn’t an accident. You killed monarchhater!” “Wait a minute,” shouted Bee.
Flashback – Willis and Bee were hanging out at Bee’s apartment. They were gossiping about some of their compatriots. “Willis, I need to tell you something. But you can’t tell anybody because it’s my deepest secret.” Willis agreed because he is trustworthy to the end. “I hate invertabraes. Especially monarch butterflies,” she said. “Well that’s interesting, since you are technically an invertabrae,” said Willis hilariously. “Are you saying I have no backbone,” accused Bee. “No I’m just telling a hilarious original joke about the connection between your name and the insect that shares it,” said Willis. Bee laughed because that joke was hilarious. “Anyways, I also joined a forum dedicated to the downfall of the Xerces Society for Invertabrae Conservation. In fact, I’ve become quite close with a member of that forum, and we’re going to meet this evening,” said Bee excitedly. “Oh, that sounds like fun. Here, let me take you shopping for a new dress. It’s possible we might be a bit late, but it’s not like anything is going to happen to the building while we’re gone.”
“You were monarchhater,” said Sherry Ann in awe, even though everybody else in the world had already figured that out, I know. “And you were Sherry Ann!” exclaimed Bee. “I never figured that you were the same person because Sherry Ann is such a common name!” Tears streamed down their faces. They were finally meeting the person they had long loved, but thought they had lost forever. “Wait a minute,” said Tragedy confused. “Why didn’t you just contact her on the inverabrae forum?” “I had to leave that forum because another associate I knew wrote a story about members of the forum. He included confidential information I had told him, and caused a schism between me and the other most respected member of the forum. I had no choice but to leave forever. He felt really guilty about it, but what can you do?” Anyways, back to Sherry Ann and Bee. Sherry Ann, overcome with emotion, did something she had never done before. She reached in and gave Bee a hug. She never felt such warmth before. Instead of feeling like a light strangle as she’d always imagined, it was more like her heart was being massaged. “Seni Seviyorum,” whispered Bee into Sherry Ann’s ear. “~~~,” said Sherry Ann, and it was the most beautiful thing Bee had ever heard.
Dante slowly applauded. “I hate to interrupt this touching moment, but actually I do because I’m the worst. I didn’t have these blueprints for burning down a building just for sentimentality. I fully intend to burn down the mansion, while you’re all trapped inside it!” Dante laughed maniacally. The happy moment from earlier melted away into nothing. BSam and Bryan checked the doors of the room, but they were locked. “I’ll escape through this trapdoor, which I’ll then lock from the outside. After that, I’ll carefully follow these instructions. Not only will Willis be dead, but the world’s greatest detective Sherry Ann will be too! Then my special companion Antenora will be the world’s greatest detective, and we’ll somehow leverage that into global domination!” Dante laughed evilly again. It was really evil. All was lost.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door. “Who the hell is that,” said Dante. For some reason he decided to answer it. It was Officer Charlie, the world’s greatest police officer. “Dante Duncan Bernard Bennington, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of all these people. Also sorry I’m late, I was watching Kim Possible.” He slapped a pair of handcuffs onto Dante’s wrists. “What? You have no evidence of that!” screamed Dante. “I’m pretty sure you were just monologue about it. I can hear you, you dumb donut.” Everybody went “Oooooooooooo” at Charlie’s sick burn. Sherry Ann walked up to Dante. “How could this happen?” said Dante frustratedly. Sherry Ann sidled up to him and quipped “I think you’re asking the wrong questions.” Everybody also went “Oooooooooooo” because that was an even better burn, using his greatest love against him.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. “Who could that be, a foley artist,” joked Pandora. Everybody shared a mix of laughter from her joke and admiration for her own use of a word of the day. Encouraged, she went “Hey, have I told you a joke about the cheetahs in the jungle,” ruining the joke in classic Pandora fashion. She answered the door and it was her good friend Songbird, the famous dentist. “Sorry I’m late to the party, but I’ve been doing some freelance work with the FBI on a famous unsolved double homicide case and they had me looking at dental records. My research led me to proof that Dante murdered Daniel Handler and Hannah during a game of assassins!” Everybody would have been shocked, but at this point they had been desensitized and were willing to believe Dante was capable of the most unthinkable of deeds. Speaking of which.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door. They opened the door and in walked world famous scientist and twitter celebrity Charlotte. “Sorry I’m late, but I have been finishing my secret psychological experiments and I decided to come here to share the results with all of you.” Everybody was on the edge of their seats because Charlotte was engaging as potato, even when she was just talking about herself. “I ran an experiment to secretly test my subjects. I had an old lady drop a wallet, and saw what the subjects would do. All but one of them returned the wallet. But Dante took the wallet for himself.” Everybody gasped. “But surely he used the money for something good like charity,” said Rellim. “No!” said Charlotte. “He used it to buy food and furniture! Also, he stole an apple from the cafeteria. And his favorite member of one direction is Liam.” “But that’s the worst one to have as a favorite,” said everybody. (Editors note – this opinion doesn’t necessarily reflect the opinion of the author or his executive producers. And trust me, some of the executive producers have strong opinions on this subject.) Then Charlotte talked about her cat for 15 minutes, and everybody listened because like I said, she’s engaging as ickle.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Hermes opened it and there stood famous Brazilian Pen. The two looked at each other and began crying. “Father,” said Pen through tears. “My darling daughter Pen(ny),” said Hermes. “Sorry I’m late, everybody, but I was kidnapped earlier by Dante. I only just escaped and ran here as fast as I could.” Father and daughter were reunited, and it was beautiful. There were no more knocks on the door, so Officer Charlie took Dante away. “You haven’t heard the last from me,” yelled Dante but nobody cared because he was a baby. “Hey, now that that’s dealt with, we should all watch Pretty Little Liars,” said Pandora. “Shut up,” said everybody.
One year later – Sherry Ann and Bee lived together inside a giant snow globe. But they weren’t trapped inside of it. In fact they had invited all of their friends over for Easter. Before the big dinner, Sherry Ann gave a speech. “Merhaba, and thank you all for coming. You are all great associates, and I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that. We are lucky to have each other in our lives, whether it’s as friends, family, lovers, or even rivals. You all mean the world to me, in your own way. Let’s also take this moment to think about those who aren’t with us, such as Willis, Hannah and Daniel Handler, our dear old friends (note – Sherry didn’t acknowledge Linda in this speech not because she’s insensitive, but because Linda hadn’t actually died due to her Mormon healing powers. In fact she was at the Easter celebration too because Mormons celebrate Easter?). I appreciate all of you, and I hope you can all see the good in each other as well. After all, that’s what the true meaning of Easter is all about. Mashalla, and Cheery Easter.”
The End
Acknowledgements – Thank you to Sixteen, Charlie, Hermes, Linda. You guys read and comment every chapter and I appreciate it greatly.
Thank you Rellim for being my sister
Thank you Anka for all your ideas whenever I was stuck. You’re a good executive producer.
Thank you Pandora for being an ever enthusiastic commenter. I love every single one.
Thank you Bee for doing the same thing as Pandora except on a more consistent basis.
And thank you Sherry Ann for the constant inspiration and support. You taught me to shoot for the stars, because even if it’s all just a pipers dream, I should still keep a-kickin.
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:48:58 GMT -5
yay
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:49:39 GMT -5
i already told you pretty much everything i thought but maybe you and hannah should switch to mormomism so you guys can come back to life.
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:50:43 GMT -5
also, okay none of the one directioners are really bad but as a matter of preference liam would probably be in the bottom. i didnt like zayn at first but now hes kind of amazing.
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:51:27 GMT -5
also my cheetah joke and others are classics and you're spoiling everyone.
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:52:27 GMT -5
oh one more thing, my profile picture is with harry styles right now and its amazing.
true story, i nearly knocked the entire cardboard display down when taking that picture. then i ran into the display next to it.
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Post by Charles Vane on Jun 30, 2013 23:53:00 GMT -5
oh okay seriously last thing i think, i agree with all of the comments made in this story about charlotte.
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Post by Charlie on Jul 1, 2013 4:41:44 GMT -5
Well that was a beautiful ending. I CRIED. But actually I didn't. But I should have, because it was a beautiful ending. Also, does Sherry Ann get the justice she deserves, by having Antenora incarcerated (if that sentence made sense, bravo me). GO WILLIS
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Post by Sixteen on Jul 1, 2013 6:47:57 GMT -5
There's so much I like about this I can't even process it right now.
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Post by B. on Jul 1, 2013 10:24:15 GMT -5
I read this on my way to school this morning and I literally had a mini break down
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Post by B. on Jul 1, 2013 10:24:45 GMT -5
Everyone I care about lives with Sherry Ann and and me in our snowglobe
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Post by Linda Rhaldeen on Jul 4, 2013 10:48:45 GMT -5
Aww, the end is so heartwarming. It's been a long time since we used Dante as the villain so I hadn't realized what an obvious choice it was. Also Mormon healing powers. Why have I never heard of this before. I want some. Thanks for making me not be dead this time, though. I know it's silly, but it's strangely upsetting to be killed in a 667 story. I don't know how Bryan handles it.
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