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Post by theplague on Apr 7, 2017 13:43:00 GMT -5
Guess what kids? Everyone's most favorite children's series author in the whole wide world, Loney M. Setnick, (Me!) has been put on parole and can now continue writing wonderfully whimsical tales for kids of all ages to enjoy! And although my illustrator and original publishing company no longer wish to associate with me, I have been offered the exciting opportunity to publish my stories for the Daily Punctilio Newspaper!
Recently, former Daily Punctilio theatrical critic Lemony Snicket * has begun a series on the lives of the Baudelaire Butchers which is frankly too dark and complex a topic for children to understand. To combat this, I will finally be continuing my popular Luckiest Kids in the World series past the first one (The Pony Party!) and writing 13 new installments, rounding it out to an even 14 books! I feel that this will make for a pleasant and charming distraction from Snicket's books, and anything else that may be worrying lately.
So kids, remember to scream at your parents to let you have the newspaper so that you can read about the exciting and non-threatening adventures of Laurie, Larry and Lil Linda Lotsaluck every day!
* Lemony Snicket is a known criminal and yet doesn't have anyone telling him that he shouldn't be allowed to write children's books anymore!
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Post by Dante on Apr 7, 2017 14:12:27 GMT -5
I believe it's Laurie rather than Laura (and specifically Lil' Linda, unless a period of time has passed between volumes 1! and the subsequent installments), but nonetheless, I am very interested to see how you plan to approach this. I've written a couple of things featuring the Lotsalucks myself; they're probably my favourite barely-canon characters.
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Post by theplague on Apr 7, 2017 21:00:38 GMT -5
Book 2: The Mean Man! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Parent's Guide: You may notice that these books have the same general plot as Snicket's books, and there is a very good reason for that. Despite all logical reason, Snicket's books are growing in popularity amongst children, and this concerns me. I came up with the plan to replicate the plot of his series but replace all unpleasant and disturbing aspects with things that are family friendly and promote good values. Hopefully children will realise that these books are much more fun, and read them instead!
After each book, I will provide some fun games based on the book's events and a group of questions to discuss with your children just to make sure they got the message of each book.
Note that this book will probably be one of the darkest installments in the series. Not only is the villians mean and rude, but at some points the main characters feel negative emotions. Please take a minute to discuss these frightening themes with your children. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHAPTER ONE
Laurie, Larry, and Lil' Linda Lotsaluck were three rich children who you can relate to. They were polite, never fought, and always did what they were told. All three were white, and it is important that you imagine them the way the author imagined them.
It was bright and sunny out, and so the three youngsters decided to ride a trolley to the Briny Beach so that they could spend the day playing and doing other things that children normally do. Laurie was a girl, who enjoyed doing girl things, and so she sat by the shore and put on makeup. Larry was a boy, and enjoyed doing boy things, so he ran around hitting things with a baseball bat. And Lil Linda was a baby, so she probably cried or something.
Suddenly, Larry pointed put to the edge of the beach where a man was walking down. "Hey, is that Mr. Allan, a family friend and our parent's banker?" he said. Laurie looked onwards. "Why it is Mr. Allan!" she said. "Hello Mr. Allan, what have you come to visit us for?"
Mr. Allan was a mildly chubby adult man who always held a handkerchief for no discernable reason. "Hello children, I've come to tell you that your parents departed on a business trip, but they'll be back real soon!" said Mr. Allan.
"What does departed mean?" asked Laurie.
"It means to leave" he said.
"Thanks Mr. Allan, you're always teaching us such cool things!" said Larry.
"Until they return, you will be staying with your great uncle, Old Man Grumpus" said Mr. Allan.
"I can't wait to meet him!" said Larry. "Even though I love and respect my parents, it'll be fun to visit someone else and learning what they are like!"
The three tikes couldn't wait to meet him. Even though they loved and respected their parents, they thought it'd be fun to visit someone else and see what they were like. If only we could go back and warn them that Old Man Grumpus was actually a mean person, and also elderly! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHAPTER 2
The three tots were so excited that they wriggled in Mr. Allan's fancy car for the whole drive to Old Man Grumpus's house. Mr. Allan's pretty, shiny car entered a neighborhood with lots of dirty buildings.
"Ew, are we going to spend time with a poor person?" asked Laurie.
Mr. Allan chuckled a jolly chuckle. "Of course not kiddos! Old Man Grumpus is an actor!"
They stopped in front of a pretty red brick building with a pretty garden in front of it and a pretty lady working on the garden.
"Hello kids! You must be Old Man Grumpus's great nephew and nieces! My name is Justice Strauss!" said Justice Strauss.
"Hello Justice Strauss! Are you a judge of some kind?" asked Mr. Allan.
"No, Mr. Allan! I can't be, I'm a woman! Justice is my first name!" said Justice Strauss.
"Are you Old Man Grumpus?" asked Larry.
Justice Strauss chuckled a jolly chuckle. "Of course not! Old Man Grumpus lives over there!"
She pointed to the other side of the road, where a nearly identical house stood except it didn't have a garden. Oh no! Whatever would the Lotsaluck children do? Mr. Allan knocked on the door of Old Man Grumpus's three times, which is the polite amount of knocks that should be made on a door. Old Man Grumpus opened the door. He was old! But the Lotsaluck children weren't worried!
"Hi there Old Man Grumpus! I'm Laurie Lotsaluck, and this is Larry and Lil' Linda!" said Laurie.
Old Man Grumpus cackled an evil cackle. "I know who you folks are. You're my rotten nephews and nieces. Well come inside, I've got a lot of surprises in store for you!" Old Man Grumpus said.
Oh no! Would Old Man Grumpus be nice? Or would he be mean? Isn't this so exhilarating?
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Post by Dante on Apr 8, 2017 2:38:56 GMT -5
Wow, this is on-point. I've no recommendations to give here; you clearly know exactly what you're doing.
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Post by Hermes on Apr 8, 2017 7:19:17 GMT -5
Oh wow!
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Post by theplague on Apr 8, 2017 10:01:28 GMT -5
CHAPTER THREE ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Lotsaluck children were beginning to dislike the week they were spending with Old Man Grumpus. Every day, Old Man Grumpus would make them do chores like dusting the counter and sweeping the floor. Their bedroom didn't have very many toys at all and worst of all, Old Man Grumpus didn't even have a television set and made them read for 30 minutes a day!
"Mwah hah hah!" laughed Old Man Grumpus. "You all have to read these books for half an hour!"
"But we don't like reading, it's so boring!" cried Laurie.
"These books don't even have any pictures!" sobbed Larry. Yes, this book series does not have illustrations anymore either but that is not my fault at all. My illustrator does not want to be in contact with me anymore. This is her decision, and there is nothing I can do about it. If she wishes to judge me for my past mistakes, that is her own fault. She doesn't get illustrate my perfectly wonderful books anymore. This is on her. Anything that happens to her as a result is on her. I don't need her anyway, my books can already paint a detailed picture in your mind when all other books really can't. I am the best writer who has ever been born. This is an undisputed fact.
"Do you think I care?" cackled Old Man Grumpus. "I am doing this because I am evil! Then after this, you all have to go to bed EARLY! Muah ha haaa!" Old Man Grumpus is the villain of this story. But as Old Man Grumpus went to leave the room, he came up with an evil plan to prank the children.
"Oh, don't be so upset, kids! To cheer you up, maybe you could act in my next big play!" he said. Please acknowledge that this is part of his prank and he has not become nice yet.
"That sounds great, Old Man Grumpus!" said Larry, who was already cheering up.
"What's the play about?" asked Laurie.
"It's a play about people who get hit in the face with pies, and your role will be to stand in the middle of the stage for a while." said Old Man Grumpus.
"HOORAY" yelled the Larry and Laurie.
But the bad news is, this wasn't just any play about people who get hit with pies. This was going to be a play where the Lotsaluck children would get hit with a pie! You see, Old Man Grumpus didn't really want them to stand in the middle and do nothing. He plans to throw a pie at them when they are onstage! But don't worry, the Lotsaluck children do find a way to avoid this, like those clever little squirts always do. That just hasn't happened yet.
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Post by theplague on Apr 8, 2017 10:32:58 GMT -5
CHAPTER FOUR ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The children were sitting around in Justice Strauss's house watching TV. They were very excited about Old Man Grumpus's next big play.
"Who do you think will get hit in the face with a pie?" asked Laurie.
"I hope it's a disabled person!' laughed Larry.
"What are you silly kids talking about?" asked Justice Strauss, who was baking a nice pie that smelled really good.
"We're talking about a fun play that Old Man Grumpus is letting us take part in!" said Laurie. Larry explained the play to Justice Strauss, who seemed very interested.
"Something about all this seems very fishy" she said. "Why, just last night, Old Man Grumpus came by my house and asked me to give him the next seventeen pies I bake. I think this play is really just a plan to throw a pie in your faces!"
"Oh no, you mean that we are being tricked?" asked Laurie, who was starting to cry.
"Yes, but don't worry, I have a plan to stop it from happening." Right as Justice Strauss finished telling them their plan, there was a knock at the door. Justice Strauss opened it. It was Old Man Grumpus's acting troupe, who the children met earlier in a scene that you did not see! There were five of them: one with a full head of hair and a perfectly normal sized nose, another with two hands intact. There were two who weren't wearing any makeup at all, and one who you could very easily tell was a boy. By this I mean that they are all identical quintuplets.
"Come on, kids. It's time to go to the theater!" said the quintuplet with two hands intact.
"Okay, we're coming!" giggled Laurie, and the three kids went off together, excited about their big plan.
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Post by Cafe SalMONAlla on Apr 8, 2017 10:37:31 GMT -5
brilliant mr plauge! you've already hit so many impressive notes in the patronising books parody scale, and i'm looking forward to seeing the rest.
made me chortle in public. hats off to you.
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Post by Dante on Apr 8, 2017 10:41:30 GMT -5
I've read a couple of fanfiction attempts to create a kind of anti-ASoUE, but this one succeeds where they failed; there's no target you aren't striking. Dare I ask how many chapters each volume will have? Fourteen? An inconsistent number which never amounts to thirteen?
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Post by theplague on Apr 8, 2017 15:50:28 GMT -5
I've read a couple of fanfiction attempts to create a kind of anti-ASoUE, but this one succeeds where they failed; there's no target you aren't striking. Dare I ask how many chapters each volume will have? Fourteen? An inconsistent number which never amounts to thirteen? I'm not really sure, definitely less than thirteen each time because they're so oversimplified. CHAPTER 5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Lotsaluck children entered the fancy theater. The stage was very big, and the people in the audience were very interesting looking, and I imagine you would know just how interesting looking they were if my illustrator would answer my calls. The Lotsaluck kids walked right to the middle of the stage, but they instead of just standing there like Old Man Grumpus told them too, they started singing into the microphone! "We love Old Grumpus, he is very nice, we love Old Grumpus, his house is nice!" the three sang. Everyone in the audience clapped and cheered, and started singing along. Everyone was having a great time! Mr. Allan was having fun, and Justice Strauss was fun, but you'll never guess who was having the most fun of all: Old Man Grumpus! He loved the song so much that he decided not to throw pies at the children and realised that being nice was more fun than being mean! The next day, Mr. Allan picked up the children from Old Man Grumpus's house to take them over to their parent's house. Mr. Allan agreed to take them over so that they could grab some things that they left there by accident. But then, when Mr. Allan opened the door... "SUPRISE!" yelled the Ma and Pa Lotsaluck! "We weren't away on a work trip at all!" yelled Ma Lotsaluck. "We were just preparing this surprise party for you!" yelled Pa Lotsaluck. The Lotsaluck children cheered. "I can't believe you guys would do this for us!" said Laurie. "You're the best parents ever!" said Larry. "I have seen the face of god and it was weeping" said Lil Linda. Everyone laughed, and ate all the cake. The Lotsaluck kids were happy that they learned that if you ever they a problem, they should just ask an adult for help. THE END
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Post by Dante on Apr 9, 2017 16:15:00 GMT -5
I almost missed this, buried in an edit! A fitting conclusion, in which adults know best, the villain learns his lesson, and we just about remember Lil' Linda's existence. I'll be very interested in seeing any further episodes you may write in the future.
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