|
Post by Jacques the Environmentalist on Sept 21, 2005 21:01:26 GMT -5
AHAHAHA! That sounds so horrorshow! I would've loved to answer his questions! Even if I kept getting the wrong answer!
|
|
|
Post by The Wicker Man on Sept 22, 2005 0:57:51 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by SnicketFires on Oct 19, 2005 20:42:50 GMT -5
Here's the second portion of the transcript. Sorry this took so long in coming, I've been busy.
LS: Now I am walking slowly across the stage, towards the bag, [pauses] pausing the increase suspense. And now I am unzipping the bag; I don’t blame you in thinking that it is too much for you. As I unzip the bag, the whole experience of the afternoon is about to get ten times more terrifying. The creature is now only in one bag, the way a lot of us will end up one day. And when I remove this from its one, final bag, all you, just about, except the lucky souls who were wise enough to reserve the balcony will see the fearsome creature. And now, before I unveil it, [to young boy] that if there are any children in the audience that they must leave. Because the last child who viewed this creature underwent a terrible, terrible transformation; they turned into Snow White. And I don’t mean the lovable character created by the Disney Corporation who skips around spending time with midgets, I mean snow white, the colour of that woman’s shirt, if it were clean. Now if you are a child or just unusually faint-hearted, you should take advantage of the beautiful emerald green glowing signs announcing the exit and leave. As I sit here on the corner of the stage, and open this bag that looks suspiciously ;like it was stolen from a bottle of liquor, it is your last chance to leave the auditorium before viewing THIS TERRIBLE CREATURE! [pulls a head of an alligator from the bag] ISN’T IT AWFUL?! [audience laughs] This terrifying…this unearthly…this repulsing…alligator. Is this the most revolting thing you’ve ever seen? [drinks from water bottle, in a disappointed tone:] Ah…water.
LS: [before this, DH had been jumping up and down to get onto the stage, as there were no stairs. At this point, stairs on wheels are rolled into place.] I wish I could think of something else and that would magically appear. Let me try again. Let me see…Caviar…
LS: I’m sorry about that, but this synagogue is full of liars. But what synagogue isn’t. The most terrifying aspect of this creature, I think we can all agree, is not its felt body, but the fearsome teeth coming out of its mouth. Really, it was the teeth that are the most terrifying; the teeth that caused several people in the room pain, and the teeth… [to young boy] here, touch the teeth. [boy reaches] DON’T TOUCH THOSE TEETH! Don’t touch it’s mouth!
KID: …but you said to touch them.
LS: I SAID to touch them…? I rest my case. It was they who caused all of the trouble, there was an interrupted picnic. Who can guess where on his fantastic-looking body Mr. Snicket was bitten? You have a guess, madam? YES! YOU’RE EXACTLY RIGHT. The armpit! The teeth went into his armpit, and what happens when the venom of this terrible creature went into the armpit, is that he was paralyzed. Mr. Snicket was paralyzed. Which means what? Exactly, that you can’t move! He was paralyzed from the armpit down, all the way down from the armpit; from the armpit down. And, believe it or not, I am not a trained ballerina, I am self-taught, but nevertheless, I believe I can perform a short dance to show what it must have been like for him to try and reach this beautiful place, I will be paralyzed from the armpit down. And the dance goes like this… [LS backs up, and then flops to the ground twitching occasionally.]
LS: And while you can see it might be an amusing method of transportation, it is not an efficient one, so Mr. Snicket could not be here today, so I am in his place – and why am I here? Why am I here telling you these terrible but beautiful stories? The question “why are we here” is an enormous philosophical one, and will never be answered. But the question “why am I telling you these stories” is because I am going to be teaching you three [holds up three fingers] moral lessons this afternoon, one, two, three, each lesson represented by a finger. We’re going to be learning three moral lessons, the index, the middle and the ring finger. Three moral lessons, the first, of course, being never raise your hand. That’s right, when you raise your hand you expose your armpit to all sorts of horrible creatures, and some of you look like, perhaps, that you are about to start the school year? Now when you return to school, and the teacher says [adopts an unnaturally high voice] “Now, let’s review, let’s review. Who can tell me what two plus two is? Everyone, who can tell me…” [End voice] …Well, that’s good. It’s only school. Let someone else receive a good education whilst you remain safe. That is the first of the three moral lessons. Now, it is sad, but somehow appropriate that Mr. Snicket would be delayed by an unfortunate event, [descends into aisle] that Mr. Snicket spent a great deal of time re- oh, sorry, I thought you were an ottoman – researching and writing down unfortunate events in his books, - [to little boy, who is clutching a TBB] Is this yours? May I see it? [Boy gives it to him] – in books that are all to easy to steal from young people.
LS: Now, the books look something like this, and despite Mr. Snicket’s best efforts, they seem to have fallen onto the shelves of libraries and bookstores so people have been reading about the unfortunate events, and Mr. Snicket’s work. Who here has read something of Mr. Snicket’s? [majority of audience raises hands] HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?! COME ON! A TERRIFYING CREATURE COULD ATTACK! Now, without risking infection, who here has read something of Mr. Snicket’s work?
AUDIENCE: I have!
LS: Now, you sir, could you please walk up those stairs. What is your name?
Peter: Um, Peter.
LS: You had to think before you answered that. What’s your real name?
Peter: Um…
LS: Never mind. We’ll call you “Peter.” Now, “Peter,” instead of raising his hand, grabbed some creatures from the sea and pressed them to his stomach as though he were pregnant, and jumped up and down as though the pregnancy were ending. Yeah, not all of you may have acquired amphibious creatures from nearby, but we can use the method, that is, this [LS bounces up and down], the now-called “Peter” method, as though bearing young. [to Peter] You don’t have to stay up here forever, thank you. [Peter leaves] So, using the “Peter” method of jumping up and down as though your pregnancy were about to end, who here can name an unfortunate event that befalls the children in Mr. Snicket’s books? YOUR ARMPITS, SIR, YOUR ARMPITS! Yes, the madam in the hat.
GIRL IN HAT: The Bad Beginning?
LS: The Bad Beginning. In fact and unfortunate event that happens in Mr. Snicket’s books, but I was thinking not actually of the titles of the volumes of books, but the actual unfortunate events themselves. But, nevertheless, you are wearing a smashing hat, so you can get away with things like that. Yes, madam?
GIRL: Their parents die?
LS: Their parents die. Their parents die in a terrible fire of suspicious origins. That is one terrible thing that happens to them, but I was thinking of something arguably worse. Anyone, using the “Peter” method? yes?
SOPHIA: Guardians eaten by leeches?
LS: Guardians eaten by leeches. I think that’s probably worse than losing your parents. A close call. Yes, you bearing your armpit?
BOY: They have a weird-looking guardian?
LS: They have a weird-looking guardian. Count Olaf, Count Olaf, Count Olaf, Count Olaf; A villain whose name is so terrible that I can scarcely stand to say it more than four times in a row. And Count Olaf, of course, is responsible for a great deal of misfortune in the Baudelaire lives, and there’s something very terrible that happens to them in this very book [holds up boy’s The Bad Beginning] So I can see that you’re not going to guess, so therefore, I will have to illustrate by reading out a passage from this stolen book. And, of course, it is the time when Count Olaf forces the children to work. In. The. Kitchen. It is terrifying, it is true; I can see by the frown on your face, sir that this has happened before to you, perhaps you have gone to the kitchen to help cook or clean up, or perhaps you just had to walk into the kitchen and saw what horrors lay there, to see how miserable your life would be, but although it is terrible, I am nevertheless going to read out a selection from this terrible book, in which the children are forced to work in the kitchen – why? To illustrate the second of the three lessons, the first moral lesson being, of course, never raise your hand, instead use the “Peter” method, and the second, Miss, my middle finger pointing at you, the second moral lesson is they if you see Count Olaf, scream and run away…if you see Count Olaf, scream and run away; one of the most important lessons in all of Western literature. Now, as I read the selection, we will be doing something known as EAP. Which is what? E. A. P. Eap. Anyone? E.A.P. No, not a bird thing, thank you. No, E.A.P is Eurhythmic Auditory Participation. Duh. I guess the Seattle school system is getting worse and worse and worse as we go along.
|
|
|
Post by Dante on Oct 20, 2005 9:26:28 GMT -5
Heh. He's a very entertaining person. Thanks, SnicketFires.
|
|
Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
|
Post by Antenora on Oct 20, 2005 14:35:26 GMT -5
I think I heard Handler say the "snakebite in the armpit" thing someplace, possibly on TV when he was visiting a school. Anyway, that's very funny.
|
|
|
Post by Sugary Snicket on Nov 30, 2005 16:51:41 GMT -5
LOL. Funny.
|
|