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Post by Colton on Feb 11, 2004 0:22:47 GMT -5
meh. were you even a member at all? shucks, i think we were both widdle newbies
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Post by DetectiveDupin on Feb 11, 2004 12:43:45 GMT -5
I had been there like a month, but I wasn't well known like now.
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Post by badlee on Feb 11, 2004 15:46:54 GMT -5
Yesh, he's earned himself a title: "Duncan and Violet's fanfic writer" or that's what my brother calls him. Extremely modest, yes, aren't you Dupin?
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Post by DetectiveDupin on Feb 11, 2004 15:47:43 GMT -5
Hm...your brother has a name for me?
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Post by Colton on Feb 13, 2004 1:35:47 GMT -5
heh. yeah, you have earned quite a reputation, as a lvoed member.
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Post by DetectiveDupin on Feb 13, 2004 3:24:30 GMT -5
I'm loved? Yay! *runs around giving people hugs*
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Post by MambaduMal on Feb 13, 2004 20:10:02 GMT -5
This episode of E-Friends is specially dedicated to Chris- wherever he is, I hope he’s doing well… we all miss him.
Also dedicated to Sam, my co-writer, who gave me many, many, MANY of the ideas for this, and stuck with it (and kept nagging me) even after I was sick and tired of it. Thanks so much, Sam, you rock! ^_^
Without further ado, I present to you, members of 667 Dark Avenue Forums…
E-FRIENDS!!!
***
The Staff is very unhappy with the number of people who have been watching E-Friends for these past couple months. As you may or may not know, due to budget cuts, the only TV station that is willing to air the show for so little pay is a local channel in Looxahoma, Arkansas.
Though many of you may protest, there is no excuse for not giving us your audience.
You should all have moved to Arkansas.
However, thanks to the generous donation of The Staff President (all the money he found under the cushions of his couch), E-Friends has enough funds to have a publicly broadcasted special episode- THE VALENTINES DAY EPISODE.
All of the 667 members are being forced to attend a dance that will take place in the hotel auditorium. The victims guests will be given dresses and tuxedoes appropriate to the Valentine’s Day theme, and they will be paired with a partner of The Staff’s choosing. The music will be tasteless 20’s dance music, the punch will be substituted with milk (milk is far more healthy) and everything will be covered in Pepto-Bismol pink decorations. Ah, the perfect setting… for LOVE. Now, let the dance begin!
--7:01 PM--
The dance begins.
--7:02 PM--
No one is here yet.
--7:03 PM--
Still empty.
--7:05 PM--
There’s a really big spider on the table in front of Camera 2.
--7:10 PM--
I think the spider’s dead.
--7:12 PM--
Yes, the spider is definitely dead.
--7:13 PM--
Eeeeeew.
--7:20 PM--
The Staff has decided to switch to a rarely-used camera located in Kate’s room. The Staff begins to wonder why there’s a camera there in the first place, as it seems to be invading on her privacy. It is suggested that Kate has a secret stalker.
Kate is running around her room frantically screaming into a telephone. “I am NOT wearing this thing!” she screeches. Sadly, the camera’s microphone cannot pick up on the dialogue of the person at the other end of the phone line.
On the bed is what looks like a giant, flat cupcake with pink frosting, complete with sprinkles.
On closer inspection, it appears to be a dress.
“It’s horrendous! It looks like a pink muffin!” she shrieks again.
“No, not a magikarpmuffin kind of muffin… a BAD kind of muffin.”
“Yes, Ann, there is such a thing as a bad muffin.”
“I know it’s hard to believe.”
“Well, it’s still not fair how you got such a gorgeous red dress and I have this atrocity!”
“Oh, right. I knew that.”
“Hey, by the way, who’s your date? I must know!”
Nothing can be heard but a slight mumbling coming from the receiver.
After a pause, Kate bursts out laughing, knocking over a Valentines Day themed lamp in the process. After approximately thirty seconds of violent laughter, she yells, “NO! You can’t be serious! I can’t believe you got paired with…”
--7:45 PM--
The Staff apologizes for the interruption. Two people have just entered the auditorium, and it has been brought to our attention by an anonymous caller that the rarely-used camera in Kate’s room was, in fact, a banana, and not a camera at all.
Camera 5 focuses in on the faces of the two figures who have just entered the auditorium.
“Just one?”
“OH MY GOSH.”
“Please?”
“OH MY GOSH.”
“It’ll be over quick…”
“OH MY GOSH.”
“Am I really asking that much?”
“OH. MY. GOSH.”
“Oh, come on. It’s only a hug…”
“Don’t even say it, kiwi midget!” Camera 9 focuses on a disgusted Jessica’s face. Sam leans against the wall beside her, looking rather put out.
“I’m not a midget… I’m taller than you…”
“Yes, but I’m older. And prettier.” Jessica daintily smoothes the creases in the front of her festive white dress.
“You… you don’t think I’m pretty?” asks Sam, obviously shocked.
She shoots him a Look.
“Oh,” he mumbles, turning away and not letting her see the shame in his face. All of you viewers at home, however, can see each and every emotion that is played out on his face. You can reach deep within his soul and discover where his heart lies, as it crumbles to dust in solitude.
Such is the miracle of reality television.
“Ima go get drunk now,” Sam says as he shuffles out of the auditorium.
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Post by MambaduMal on Feb 13, 2004 20:11:25 GMT -5
--7:59 PM--
“Lauren, I’m scared,” says Zach as he re-gels his hair and straightens the collar of his flamingo-pink tuxedo. He leans against the auditorium doorway, in the perfect path of Camera 2.
“Why are you scared? I’m the one with the neckline that’s at least five millimeters lower than my comfortable décolletage level.” Lauren twirls a loose curl nervously around her finger.
Zach gives her an odd stare.
“I’m sick of Tyler being the drama queen, I want some spotlight and sympathy too!”
“Oh, hey… I wonder who he’s going with…”
There is a thoughtful silence.
“So why are you scared?” asks Lauren, deciding that she has pondered this quite enough.
“All the fangirls,” Zach replies, straightening his collar once again. “I can’t say no to any of them, they’re all very sweet girls…”
“You don’t have a crush on any of them?”
“No, no one knows for whom the deepest parts of my soul pine away…” Zach puts his hand to his forehead as if in pain, and turns away, face contorted in an expression of the more intense anguish.
“Um… Zach…”
“Don’t ask.”
“It’s just…”
“Please, it’s already tortured me enough.”
“But…”
“Love as strong as this cannot be questioned…”
“Zach?”
“What?”
“You’re standing on my foot.”
--8:06 PM--
Camera 6 spots Alli standing shyly in the corner.
Camera 13 spots Colton standing shyly in the opposite corner.
Armageddon is rapidly approaching. They have left each other’s sight for more than a minute. The Staff is currently getting the portable bomb shelters out of the supply closet, lest the sky fall down. (The bomb shelters were custom made- they are actually dog carriers but were painted black to give the illusion of looking more helpful.)
--8:09 PM--
There is movement behind the dumpster at the back of the hotel. The movement is picked up by Camera 26, the Stationary Peri-Dumpster Surveillance Camera (abbreviated E.M.U. to the nerds in the tech department). This camera is normally only used to track dumpster thieves, so it was quite a shock to see Sam wandering around this place, especially with the Valentine’s Dance just starting to heat up.
“Hey,” hisses a voice which doesn’t sound like Sam’s.
“Hallo?” asks Sam, startled.
“Hey, over here.”
“Where?”
Something rustles in the dumpster.
“You realize that that dumpster is swarming with bacteria and quite possibly poisonous classifications of fungi?” asks Sam, stepping away.
“Fungi? As in mushrooms? I thought those were mushrooms… they tasted quite good,” said a shadowy figure, gracefully leaping out onto the pavement. He brushes himself off. “I have what you asked for.”
“The absinthe?”
“Yes, I have it right here. Very good quality, too.”
“Quality doesn’t matter… I need alcohol.”
“Um, pardon me, but isn’t this supposed to be a family show?” asks the figure, producing a flask from beneath a black trenchcoat.
“Yeah, it is,” says Sam, handing over a wad of money and grabbing the flask in the same motion. “Next time, bring enough absinthe for the whole family.”
--8:15 PM--
On Camera 4, Alison and George are sitting together at the buffet and chatting. They don’t appear to mind being matched up together, and they choose to enjoy the evening no matter what chaos disembodied Staff members would wish upon them.
“Do you know who Tyler’s going with?” asks George, biting into a cupid-shaped mozzarella stick.
“Yes, I helped his date get into her dress,” Alison replies, sipping some milk from the punch bowl (which has so tastefully been dyed pink, to try and get the party-goers in a Valentine mood.) “It’s a darling little lavender dress with ruffles.”
“Really? Who’s his date, then?” asks George, grabbing another cupid.
“Her name’s Pearl… she’s a seahorse.”
--8:27 PM--
Camera 10 flickers slightly. Ann waits in her sparkly red dress at the foot of the stairs just outside the auditorium. She glances at the clock and plays nervously with her matching sparkly handkerchief. She groans and looks at the clock.
“Fashionably late,” she mutters, and rolls her eyes.
She muses silently for a moment.
There appears to be a heavy breathing coming from somewhere behind where the camera is placed. Ann looks up.
“Uh… hey there…” says the voice.
“Bonjour,” she replies curtly.
“Are… are you here with anyone?”
“Yes, I’m here with Fred, the invisible mongoose.” She rolls her eyes.
“Oh.” The owner of the voice is no doubt very disappointed, and perhaps jealous of this aforementioned mongoose.
“Who are you anyway?” she asks impatiently.
“Oh, I’m new. My name is…”
“Your name is Joe Shmo and oh-my-gosh you love AsoUE,” Ann finishes for him.
“Yeah… hey… how’d you know?”
“Newbies,” mutters Ann under her breath.
--8:30 PM--
Alli and Colton are slowly moving closer to each other. This might not be the End after all.
--8:38 PM--
Camera 12 shows Lauren knocks on the door of the bathroom. “Are you done yet?” she calls impatiently.
“Three guesses,” calls Zach’s voice, muffled through the door.
Lauren groans. “This isn’t going to get any easier, you know… you can’t stay in there all evening.”
“Sure I can!”
“No, you can’t. The Staff said that if you didn’t attend the dance, they’d take away your pudding privileges.”
After a pause, the door opens a crack. “N-no more pudding?”
Lauren shakes her head. “Nope, none.”
With a defeated sigh, Zach steps out of the bathroom, his hair drenched in hair gel. He takes a deep breath, and grabs Lauren’s hand. “Let’s do this thing.”
--8:42 PM--
Despite the tasteless 20’s dance music that wafts unpleasantly through the auditorium, the guests appear to be having a good time. Jessica chats happily with Sergio and Alexander, who can’t seem to take their eyes off her, not even when the tray of heart-shaped corn dogs is placed on the buffet table. Their dates, Pandora and Melissa, hang around nearby, chatting idly.
Suddenly, a hush drifts across the room. Zach and Lauren enter through one of the doorways.
A murmur spreads through the groups of guests.
“It’s him…”
“Oh, he’s so gorgeous…”
“Catch me, I’m going to faint…”
“That’s disgusting, he looks even more like a Precious Moments figurine in that tux…”
With a gulp, Zach walks down the stairs, clutching Lauren’s hand until it’s as red as her dress. A small drip of sweat (or possibly hair gel) is just visible under his hairline.
He reaches the middle of the room and everyone freezes.
There is silence for a moment.
“AHHHHHH!!!” A collective squeal slices through the air as dozens of females rush toward Zach in a dangerous-looking glomp. The men in the room look on confusedly as their dates scramble to get Zach to notice them. Only Lauren (who was rudely cast aside), Alli, Kate, and Jessica watch with incredulous expressions.
It is quite a comic scene.
“Zach and his fangirls,” mutters Alli as she moves toward the buffet.
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Post by MambaduMal on Feb 13, 2004 20:13:00 GMT -5
--8:59 PM--
Camera 10 is still focused on Ann, who appears to be staring at a crack in the ceiling. She looks very stunning in her dress, but she seems sad. Her date has still not arrived.
Tearing her eyes away from the fascinating crack in the ceiling, she whirls around and begins to mount the stairs.
--9:01 PM--
Alexander and Sergio sit on a retina-burning red couch, attempting to play a game of cards. They appear to be having some trouble, as all the decks of cards in the hotel have been modified.
In the Valentine’s day spirit, all the spades, clubs, and diamonds have been removed, and replaced with three different suits of hearts in slightly different shades.
They are so delighted that they throw all the cards in the air and march off, not bothering to pick up the scattered cards in their glee.
--9:07 PM--
Camera 5 detects motion in the opposite doorway. Kate stops dead in her tracks, watching watches the fangirls clamber all over Zach and begin catfights with one another.
“He’s going to dance with ME first!” screams Pandora.
“No, me!” shrieks Melissa.
“Dream on, he’s so mine!” smirks Alison.
“Help me!” yells Zach, his voice drowned out by the ocean of fangirls.
Kate sighs and continues toward the stage, where Lauren and Alli and various male personages are sulking.
“What on earth happened here?” she asks.
“Firstly, what on earth are you wearing?” asks Lauren, grinning.
Kate appears to be wearing an ankle-length skirt and jacket ensemble, complete with delicate evening gloves. The entire outfit, from the tiara to her high-heeled boots, is entirely made out of…
“Duct tape,” Kate answers. “What’s it look like?”
Lauren laughs.
“Didn’t The Staff give you a dress?” asks Alli.
“No, they gave me a frosted muffin.”
“Is that bad?” Alli inquires, nibbling a mozzarella stick.
“Yes, Alli, there is such a thing as a bad muffin. Hard to believe, I know.”
Alli appears heartbroken.
“So where’s your date?” Alexander asks, joining in on the conversation.
“He’s… well… not quite here.” Kate looks down at her shiny duct-tape boots.
“Like only half here?” he asks, not understanding.
Kate points to the stage of the auditorium. “See that? That’s a cardboard cutout of Chris… he couldn’t be here tonight.”
“Are you going to dance with it?” Lauren asks.
Kate smirks. “No. I have a mandolin. I’m going to play it all night long.”
“You make me want to kill myself!” shrieks Zach from the tangle of fangirls.
--9:15 PM--
The Staff President has just discovered that a certain member of 667 Dark Avenue has been drinking alcohol on the Hotel Bratwurst premises. Apparently, he didn’t notice this before, at 8:09, because he was in a Very Important Meeting. It must have been a productive Very Important Meeting, too, because when he returned he had three different donut-frosting stains on his tie.
Due to The Staff President’s firm beliefs about alcohol, when the offender is caught, he will be carried out the flagpole, hung by his socks, and tickled until he screams for mercy.
--9:17--
The tasteless, romantic 20’s dance music has stopped. How curious.
--9:20--
Esther has entered the ballroom. She is carrying something under her arm, striding and whistling in her Valentine-patterned army uniform.
“Hey, I like the outfit…” says Colton, who is busy drawing smiley faces on the heart-shaped balloons.
“You’d better, you male chauvinist pig, we’ve been exploited long enough, wearing dresses simply because our male oppressors force us to,” she says with a bitterly sweet smile.
Colton looks worried. “Oh no, when did I oppress you?” he asks desperately. “I never meant to… please forgive me… I certainly didn’t…”
“I know. I forgive you, Colton.”
He sighs with relief. “But… how can I make it up to you?”
“You can hold my picket sign and help me with my campaign.”
Colton grins. “I’d be glad to!” Esther hands him the picket sign that she had been carrying under her arm, and pins a button to his shirt that she produces from one of the many pockets of her jacket.
She gives him a gorgeous smile and hurries away, to the group of guests milling around in front of the stage.
Colton adjusts his button proudly, glad that he could help someone in need.
“I’M A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG, KISS ME!” the button reads.
--9:26 PM--
For the past half-hour there have been continual movements around the dumpster, the same shadowy figure who was supplying absinthe.
The figure now stands in the alleyway.
“Absinthe makes the heart last longer…” he says with a cackle. He presses a button on one of the outer hotel walls, and the ground below him begins to sink, as if in an elevator. The entire spectacle is encircled in little-heart shaped LED lights.
Just before he disappears to his secret lair underground, the camera catches a glimpse of something which looked curiously like a pair of long, pointy ears.
--9:29 PM--
Camera 1, which is not often used for the footage used on the program, now shows movement.
Ann is knocking on a closed door, a door with a lopsided sign that reads, “TARG THE OGRE” and has a highly amusing sketch directly below it.
With a frown, she rips off the paper and knocks.
“What?” asks a muffled voice from behind the door.
“You didn’t come to the dance. I wondered if something… detained you.”
Unintelligible muttering is heard from the room.
“I seriously doubt that you do.”
The door opens a crack, and Ann peeks in.
She jumps back, startled.
“Holy… you DO look like a run-over pink penguin… eeew ugly…”
The door slams shut.
She sighs. She groans and knocks once more. “Tragedy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. You don’t have to wear that to the dance… just wear some of your normal clothes… I don’t mind…”
The door opens. There appears to be no one behind the door, but the angle of the camera is such that it can only see a couple feet into the (tastelessly decorated) room. Ann looks in.
“Well, I wouldn’t have chosen that wallpaper to match that foosball table…”
“Come on…” says the far-off voice of our beloved admin.
Ann steps in. She closes the door.
That’s all there is. There isn’t any more.
(Note: That was a Madeline reference, to those of you who are uncultured barbarians.)
--9:34 PM--
“Come on, Zach, just pick one of us!” pleads Pandora.
“Um…” Zach begins.
“Pick me!” says Melissa, “I’m crazy!” She bats her eyelashes and smiles.
“I dunno, maybe we should let him pick…” suggests Spiffy.
There is a pause. The other girls stop shouting and fighting and glare at her, while Zach gives a feeble and relieved smile in her direction.
“Just a thought…” she says, and backs down, knowing that there are few things worse than a pack of violent fangirls who are forced to consider a logical statement.
“Um… um…” mutters Zach, desperately searching for an escape. “HOLY CARP!” he screams, “IS THAT ORLANDO BLOOM?!” He points to the back doorway of the auditorium.
The female population in the auditorium rapidly decreases as they all rush out.
--9:40 PM--
Kate leans nonchalantly against the stage, sipping pink milk, as she watches Zach escape the clutches of the rabid fangirls.
“Hey, the music’s stopped,” she comments to herself, setting down the glass.
She clambers up onto the stage.
“This one’s for you,” she tells the Chris cardboard cutout, as she grins sheepishly and straightens the pink bow tie someone put around his neck. She opens one of the black instrument cases which are scattered about the stage, and pulls out a lovely, shining mandolin.
“667 Dark Avenue, are you ready to rock?” she screams into the microphone.
Unfortunately, no one hears her.
She turns the microphone on.
“667 DARK AVENUE, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?! Now that you can hear me…”
“Sure!” George calls out.
“Why not?” says Alexander.
“All right, finally! Some decent music!” cheers Melissa, re-entering the auditorium with the rest of the disappointed girls who had run outside in pursuit of Mr. Bloom.
“Uno, dos, tres, HUZZAH!” Kate starts jamming on her mandolin as funky background music inexplicably blares from the ventilation ducts. The Staff denies any involvement with this, they were all quite content with the 20’s dance music. The rebel will be singled out, however. Just you wait.
“Mary had a little lamb Little lamb Little lamb Mary had a little lamb Whose fleece was white as snow…” sings Kate at the top of her lungs, practically screaming over the hardcore backbeat. She launches into a ferocious mandolin solo.
Many of the guests form a mosh pit in front of the stage.
--9:48 PM--
The Staff has made an Executive Decision. The “Mosh Pit” which was mentioned in the last video clip is sure to get us into some trouble with the authorities, as none of the participators in this event have parental permission to be “moshing”. The Staff has decided to rename the activity, “Recreational Cardio-Respiratory Semi-Synchronized Supervised Movement.”
We apologize for the interruption.
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Post by MambaduMal on Feb 13, 2004 20:14:47 GMT -5
--9:50 PM--
Alli and Colton have now worked up the courage to greet each other. They stand next to the stage, Colton carrying his picket sign and his button, and Alli grinning shyly. Kate’s mandolin music sets a cheerful mood.
“What does your sign say?” she asks.
Proudly, Colton holds up the sign Esther had given him. “LIKE, STOP MALE OPRESSION!” it reads. “OMG THEY ACT LIKE WE’RE DITZES OR SOME JUNK!”
Alli bursts out laughing. “That’s hilarious!”
Colton pauses. “… what is?”
“The sign…”
“What sign?”
“The sign you have in your hand…”
“What hand?” Colton looks flushed, and a small drop of sweat appears at his left temple.
“Duh… this hand,” Alli says. She puts her hand on his, and he drops the sign.
Alli giggles. “You dropped the sign…”
Slightly nervously, Colton squeezes her hand and smiles. “What sign?”
“The… sign… that…” Alli falters as she realizes how close they are standing, holding hands. The Prudish Society of America would have them arrested, had any Prudish members been present. However, they were happily attending a lecture on the wonderful world of grammar, so Alli and Colton are free to stare deeply into each others eyes.
They begin to lean in, eyes closing gently…
Suddenly, they both feel a pressure around their waists, as if someone was tying a rope around them.
“Gah!” they both shriek, opening their eyes rapidly and flailing their arms.
Alison had been, indeed, tying a rope around their waists. She ties the knot with a flourish.
“Hey, what gives?” asks Colton.
Alison smirks. “Listen.”
Kate’s music reaches an impressive crescendo: “Because that’s all you get so you have to accept you are here and then you’re gone… but I BELIEVE THAT LOVERS SHOULD BE TIED TOGETHER!” she screams.
“Gotta follow the musician’s orders!” She winks and bounces off, laughing maniacally.
Colton and Alli don’t seem terribly distraught.
--10:02 PM--
“Hoomf. That washn’t there before,” says Sam, pondering the presence of the doorframe. Just a few seconds before, Camera 9 had caught him walking straight into it.
He takes another swig from his flask and staggers into the auditorium.
--10:04 PM--
Zach straightens his tie and gulps visibly. He has spotted Lauren drawing at a table in the corner. Slicking his gelled hair back once again, he walks over.
“Hello…”
Lauren grins, looking up from her picture. “Hi there… you seem to have escaped the fangirls…”
“Yes, I did… and it’s a good thing too…”
“Why?” Lauren asks, going back to her sketch.
“I… I need to tell you something…” Zach takes off his tie, which was uneven from the ferocity of the glompage. He twists it between his fingers.
Lauren doesn’t reply, still drawing.
“Well, you know when… I mean… I know this is sudden and all… I mean, I’m sure you must’ve figured it out by now, it’s obvious… I mean, if you haven’t figured it out, maybe it isn’t as obvious as I thought, or maybe I’m oblivious to its obvious obviousness, but…”
He pauses.
“Lauren, I think I love you…”
There is a painful silence.
Very painful.
Dr. Pepper-shooting-out-your-nose-when-you-laugh-too-hard kind of painful.
“You know… I was with Ishmael all afternoon yesterday…” Lauren begins, speaking slowly.
“I-ishmael? Who…” Zach stammers.
“I’m always so at peace with him. When we’re together, him resting in my arms, as I stroke his neck…”
“Wha?!”
“We make some beautiful music together, he and I.”
“But…”
“I never want to be without him…”
“Fuh…”
“I love him so much.” Lauren smiles, as if lost in a daydream.
Zach turns away. “Oh. I see.”
Lauren snaps out of her reverie. “Hey, Zach, what’s wrong? You look kind of down…”
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t like I particularly wanted to hear you gush about this “Ishmael” guy… if he’s so wonderful, why don’t you just marry him, for Crissakes.”
Lauren’s eyes grow wide. The corners of her lips start twitching.
She bursts out laughing and puts her head on the table, slamming her fist repeatedly on the tabletop.
This only serves to make Zach pout even more adorably. If you viewers at home would like to pinch Zach’s cheeks the TV screen and gush about how cute he is, we assure you that there is no reason why not to. No reason other than Zach’s secret mob service, that is.
Lauren hands him her sketch, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. “Dude… you’re a little mixed up here… THAT is Ishmael.”
Zach looks down at the piece of paper in his hands.
He looks at it for a few seconds. With a grunt, he storms away, crumpling up the paper and tossing it back over his shoulder.
Lauren frowns and picks it up. “I wonder why he didn’t like it… I thought it was a very good picture of my guitar…”
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Post by MambaduMal on Feb 13, 2004 20:16:14 GMT -5
--10:12 PM--
The Gramophone that had been playing the 20’s dance music has been found dead. Torn to shreds. Mutilated. It could not have been a suicide.
Half of The Staff are sobbing uncontrollably over the loss of their dear gramophone.
Who could have done such a thing? The murderer WILL be found.
--10:15 PM--
“Hmm… wonder where my date got to…” slurs Sam, stumbling and collapsing on a nearby sofa. He drinks heavily from his ever-present flask and slouches on the couch, half lying down and half semi-sitting up.
“SAM!” shrieks Jessica from the other end of the sofa.
“G’day, Jessica.” Sam grins drunkenly.
“Oh my gosh, what happened to you, midget?!”
Sam takes a deep breath. “Oh I was strollin’ through the park one day… in the merry merry month of May…”
“AUGH! Stop singing… just get away from me, you… you MIDGET!”
Sam pauses.
“Ima go cry now,” he says with a sniffle.
“Oh no, no don’t… um… someone,” Jessica orders, “get him some milk or something, NOW…”
Within seconds, milk is brought and Jessica shoves it into the hand which isn’t occupied by the absinthe flask. Sam stares at it for a moment.
“You… you got this… for me?” he asks, tears brimming in his eyes.
He hoists himself up and flings himself in the general direction of Jessica, apparently aiming to give her a huge hug. She screams and pushes him away, and in his inebriated state, Sam falls to the floor with an unpleasant bumping sound.
There is a pause.
“That was an unpleasant bumping sound,” says Jessica softly, seemingly in shock.
The sound of Kate jamming on her mandolin can be heard, as she plays her rendition of “Three Blind Mice” with spine-tingling synthesizer riffs.
Jessica leans over and looks at Sam. He is slightly pale and definitely not moving, and the glass of milk in his hand has been spilled all over the polished floor. The absinthe flask, thank goodness, is still in tact.
“What the smurf… I think I killed him…” she whispers.
She kneels to the floor beside him. “I… I’m sorry, midget…” she says softly, her eyes beginning to show signs of an oncoming sobbing fit.
Sneakily, she looks left. She looks right. She puts her arms around him and hugs him tightly.
“NO ONE SAW THAT,” she shouts out of habit, jumping up hurriedly.
“Saw what?” asks George.
“Nothing… is there a doctor in the house?”
“No,” he replies. “But I can pretend to be a doctor…”
“Good enough.” She points to Sam. “Is he… dead?”
George frowns. He gives Sam a small kick.
“Well, he’s probably felt better,” he says with a shrug.
Jessica gives him her trademark glare. Anyone who receives this glare should feel very honored, once they are finished cowering in fear.
“All right! All right…” he leans down and puts his fingers lightly on Sam’s throat to check for pulse. He puts his hand on Sam’s chest to check for breathing. He slaps Sam lightly on the face just to be annoying.
“He’s alive.” George grins.
As if in reply, Sam groans and puts the flask to his lips again, and taking a long swig. He licks his lips and opens his eyes.
“Hullo… what are you two doing staring at me like that?”
George shrugs and rushes back to his friends.
“I… I’m not staring at you! PSH!” Jessica turns quickly on her heel and storms off, muttering something about kiwi midgets and baseball bats.
Sam frowns, propping himself up on his elbows. Tears well up in his eyes as he grips the nearly-empty absinthe bottle.
“I just wanted one hug, one measly hug, is that too much to ask? She couldn’t even give me that. I bet even if I was dying she wouldn’t give me one…”
--10:26 PM--
Camera 16 shows Jessica in the kitchen, washing her arms vigorously.
“Kiwi cooties,” she mutters, wincing.
--10:29 PM--
Kate has left her mandolin on its stand, and is charging people to hug it. There is a very long line. Nearby, there is a collection box: “ONLY ONE DOLLAR TO HUG KATE’S MAGICAL MANDOLIN OF JOY AND WONDERMENT,” says the scribbled sign taped to it.
Kate sits on a stool in the corner, beside her Chris cardboard cutout. She rummages in her pocket and produces a piece of crumpled notebook paper.
The camera zooms in as far as it can, and attempts to make out the writing on the paper.
Hey there…
Yey, we got partnered up. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there tonight, I hope the cardboard cutout didn’t embarrass itself in my image.
When I come back, I’m going to take you to one of my concerts. Then I’ll become a rich musician and buy you a mansion. Then I’ll become a famous rich musician and we can be in the tabloids together.
Or not. But hey… hope you have fun at the dance.
- Chris (Betty)
P.S. I seem to have left my banana in your room… as much as you might think it’s a hidden stalker camera, it’s not. So maybe I… um. Well. You can keep it there if you like, actually.
Kate cannot help but blush. Her subconscious mind, however, blames it on the bright stage lights and the many, many glasses of pink milk she has downed this evening.
--10:33 PM--
Bad news.
Apparently the dance has to end early. Neighbors of the hotel have been calling in and complaining to the police about some kind of rowdy party “disturbing the peace”.
If you ask us, The Staff is convinced that the rowdy noises are not coming from this dance, but from the chess tournament next door. Those chess players really know how to boogie the night away.
However, we must oblige. Policemen have dangerous weapons, guns and nightsticks. And walkie-talkies.
--10:41 PM--
The auditorium is quiet, as the last guest stumbles out of the room.
“Just one hug, it’s all I ever wanted…” Sam mutters as he again misses the doorway and hits the doorframe. With help from a swig on the now empty absinthe bottle, he finally exits the room without further injury.
The Staff leaves one camera on for security purposes, and retreats into the VSMR (Very Serious Meeting Room) for a massive pillow fight, after which we will have cookies and take a well-deserved nap. We hope you have enjoyed the program. Good night, and Happy Valentine’s Day!
…
…
…
--12:00 AM--
The half-asleep sentry who has been ordered to wait in front of the security camera has detected motion.
“Here we are, Pearl…” Tyler grins, wheeling in a large fishtank which appears to have a single seahorse in a lavender dress inside it.
“Hmm… looks like everyone left early…” Tyler says, looking around at the torn decorations and the paper plates scattered about the room.
Tyler jumps up on a table and grabs a spoon. Using the spoon like a microphone, he screams in an echoing voice, “THIS ONE’S GOING OUT TO PEARL, AND THE REST OF THE 667 GROUP!”
Pearl applauds.
Tyler taps his foot in rhythm. “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!”
“In the whole of the soul of Count Olaf there's no love When you see Count Olaf, count to zero Then scream and run away Run run run run run run run run Or die die die die die die die die…”
Tyler sings to Pearl and the empty auditorium long into the star-speckled night.
***
THE END. ^_^
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Post by BSam on Feb 13, 2004 20:47:04 GMT -5
hooray...
you're wonderful...
and i did nothing to contribute at all...
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Post by ponygirl's vapor on Feb 13, 2004 20:54:39 GMT -5
yay! a master of masterpieces.. it was superlative lauren...
ill try not to step on your foot anymore.
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Post by Shaffuru! on Feb 13, 2004 20:55:04 GMT -5
*Clap.. sniff.. clap* Lauren, that was beautiful. I love it. Love love love it!
Heehee. *Reads it again* So great. XD
It's not... not THE end... is it?
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Post by Zombie-chan on Feb 13, 2004 20:55:56 GMT -5
*chucks roses* That was brilliant! You HAVE to write more...maybe with me in it? Hehehe...
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