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Divided
May 19, 2005 7:14:16 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 19, 2005 7:14:16 GMT -5
Derik and PJ had not wanted to return to the wastelands, but there was no way around them – the wastelands had spread far and wide, and all from the direction of the Spam River. It was those dark waters which had created the wastelands – they had worn underground streams, rivers, even lakes beneath their mountainous border, and had filtered through the fertile lands of the Internet, poisoning everything that they reached. Many Internet civilisations had attempted to prevent or avoid this – they’d moved their cities, built futile walls, attempted to transform their homes into a desert empire – but they had all failed. The only ones who were really suited to life in the wastelands were n00bs, who had numerous tiny tent cities and bandit caves scattered across the vast wastes. These served as rallying points and landmarks for the Queen of Chaos’s vast armies, when she chose to assemble them, and the puny towns were always busy building up supplies with which to sustain visiting warrior n00bs. They would occasionally send out raiding parties to search for any signs of life, which would presumably have plenty of valuables. It was just such a party which confronted the seven 667 survivors as they trudged through the dust and dry earth.
“alfredbenedict – the power of two!” cried a really cool member wielding two short swords, leaping in front of the 667ers as they made their way south-west.
“skyweaver – master of the boomerang!” declared another, appearing next to alfredbenedict with a razor-edged boomerang that was slashing his own hands.
“tifah4 – graceful mistress of the headache!” another really cool member announced, who danced to join her associates while dragging a club bigger than her arms.
“deloverly – dread pirate of the high seas!” continued a fourth really cool member, wielding a cutlass and wearing a newspaper hat.
“izzybaudelaire95 – menace in the night!” a fifth really cool member informed, her black suit immediately marking her out against the yellow-brown of the sand.
“snicket55 – faster than a high wind!” pronounced a sixth, tripping over and earning a face-full of dirt.
“And their great leader…” came the voice of a seventh, tumbling into her associates from the sky, clutching a skateboard-mounted sword, “yoursnicketlad – the dark rider!”
“Who are these losers?” asked PJ, as his group came to a stop to face their n00bish counterparts.
There was immediate cursing and groans from the really cool member party.
“They mustn’t have heard us properly!” yoursnicketlad cried. “Now we’ll have to do it all again!”
“No, we heard you quite alright,” said Antenora, “we were just wondering why you required such a – er – grand entrance.”
“I’m also wondering whether the one with the skateboard is a man or a woman,” divulged PJ, in a loud whisper.
“We’re just going to end up fighting them, aren’t we?” asked Char.
“Oh my yes,” replied Dante, producing a sword of flame from nowhere.
“Ch4rge!” countered yoursnicketlad, leaping aboard her skateboard and wheeling towards the 667ers. The skateboard hit a stone and she ended up on the floor some way to the left of where she’d hoped to be.
“One each,” said Derik. “Now let’s put them out of their misery.”
Derik moved forward to combat snicket55, whilst PJ took on the dual-wielding really cool member alfredbenedict. Char began to aim knives at izzybaudelaire95, whilst Ennui and Akbar fought skyweaver and deloverly respectively. Antenora was left to fight the club-wielding tifah4, whilst Dante confronted the leader, yoursnicketlad.
By any account, it was a massacre. N00bs simply cannot stand up in a fight against somebody better-trained than them – and whilst n00bs may have had some basic training in fighting, allowing them to overcome most denizens of the Internet, the experienced fighters of 667 were simply too good. tifah4 was the first to be defeated, struck down by the Blade of Banning and Antenora before she could muster the strength to even lift her club. izzybaudelaire95 put up no defence against Char save for loud complaining, and she was swiftly dispatched. Derik merely had to stick his scimitar into snicket55 – still lying face-down on the ground – to win his duel. Dante was making no attempt to attack yoursnicketlad, merely letting her skate around him and fall over repeatedly. Only Ennui and Akbar seemed to have picked n00bs without any critical character flaws, and their battles went fairly normally, while PJ and alfredbenedict had turned their battle into a competition to see who could perform the coolest fighting tricks (PJ was loudly explaining how he was winning due to his deflection of a double sword attack using a single crossbow bolt, which alfredbenedict maintained wasn’t actually possible). It was at around this time, shortly after Dante had immolated yoursnicketlad at last, leaving four 667ers without opponents, that three new figures entered the battle field.
“Oh no you don’t!” cried a voice from behind skyweaver, who was struck down by a weapon resembling a very long knife, held in the hands of a girl with purple hair wearing a cape with the Welsh flag on it. At the same time, deloverly was clubbed over the head by a curly-haired youth wearing jeans and an extremely tattered shirt, and a man dressed in brown leather appeared besides PJ wielding two short lengths of chain in each of his hands, at the ends of which were what looked like beer cans…
“Beer-chucks, yo!” cried the man, using his unconventional weapons to knock down alfredbenedict. PJ’s expression combined disappointment at the end of his contest with awe at the truly awesome style employed by BSam.
“Are these who I think they are?” asked Dante.
“Why, it’s BSam, Amber and Dupin!” exclaimed Derik.
“Isn’t that James, though?” asked PJ, his eyes thinning. “My nemesis.”
“I’m not Dupin or James,” cried the curly-haired youth indignantly. “Would Dupin or James ever use rebellious gangster weapons such as these knife-clubs?”
The youth pressed a button on the side of one of his clubs, and a knife blade sprang from the end.
“I know who it is,” said Antenora. “It’s Robert.”
“Oh. Sorry,” apologised Derik. PJ followed suit.
With this point decided and the battle over, the seven and the three united in a spirit of relief, happiness, and nostalgia. Ennui introduced himself to Amber and began to explain why he and Akbar were wearing masks; PJ and Derik struck up a conversation with Robert about J., who neither party had seen for some time; the rest gravitated towards BSam, the clear leader of his group, and began to share their stories of what had happened to each of them since the destruction of 667.
BSam, Amber and Robert had grouped together almost by accident, having found themselves fleeing from 667 at precisely the same time. They had fled away from the n00bs ironically in the direction the n00bs had come from, and had been wandering the wastelands ever since, following a map which was discovered to have had significant flaws related to scale and accuracy.
“And so I said to Robert, ‘This isn’t a map – it’s a napkin with a picture of a pirate on it!’” slurred BSam, to laughter from Dante’s group.
“That story was full of more holes than my shirt,” criticised Robert, picking at a loose strand of the tattered garment whilst glaring in disgust at an embracing Ennui and Amber.
“So has your group had more success after discarding the map?” asked Akbar interestedly.
“Oh, yes,” said Amber, momentarily breaking off from her own conversation with Ennui. “BSam managed to use the position of the sun to determine which way was north, and so we followed it – and met up with you, so that was good luck.”
“How clever of you, BSam,” said Dante, sounding almost surprised. “But then again, I suppose that, being older than all of us, you know many things that we don’t.”
“Like when it’s time for a nap,” yawned BSam. “All this walking has made me sleepy.”
“And all the beer, I expect,” remarked Antenora, sagely.
“Yeah, that too,” laughed BSam. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…”
And with that he slumped to the floor and began to snore.
“I wouldn’t mind a rest too,” said Amber. “I’ve been so tired recently; it’s really annoying.”
“It seems to me that now would be a good time to set up camp and rest,” said Ennui. “We’re probably all tired; we’ve had busy days.”
“Hold on a minute,” interrupted Char. “We just fought off a really cool member attack. Who’s to say that another lot won’t attack us in the night?”
“I’m glad you asked me that, Char,” said Dante, smugly. “It’s quite simple. Let me explain it to you.”
He did so.
“Oh, I understand now,” said Char, comprehension dawning on her face. “How clever.”
“I thought so, too,” said Dante. “Anyway – we were setting up camp, I believe?”
Sleeping in the dirt in the middle of the worst section of the Internet is not particularly pleasant, but it was completely necessary. Only Derik had some form of a pillow, in the shape of the ever-helpful Colin, although Dante contributed his overcoat to Antenora. The Internet is a land of endless day, since the electric sun never moves, but the 667ers were accustomed, now, to sleeping in the open, and after a tiring few days they soon fell asleep – save for BSam, who was already asleep.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 7:14:41 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 19, 2005 7:14:41 GMT -5
---
The 667ers were all asleep. Now was the chance to strike.
A pair of eyes fell upon a girl with purple hair. Again? Yes… Best not to change now.
Something lowered its head to Amber’s neck…
---
The next day, the group continued on their way to the Border Mountains and Coliseum. They were all refreshed from their sleep, save for Amber, who seemed almost as tired when she woke up as she had when she fell asleep.
“Dante, there’s something that I’ve meant to ask you about,” said Antenora, as they walked through the wastelands. “Recently, the morality of all this really cool member-slaughtering has been weighing on my mind, and I wondered if you had any thoughts.”
“I’ve considered the matter, too,” replied Dante. “And I came to a conclusion. Think about a puppy. They’re sweet and cute, are they not?”
“Yes,” said Antenora. “Does the puppy represent a really cool member in this analogy?”
“It does indeed,” answered Dante, “although there’s more to come. Now, imagine that that puppy had poison fangs and wanted nothing more than to kill you and everyone you love.”
“Not so nice,” said Antenora.
“Quite,” replied Dante. “Now if this poison-fanged puppy who wanted to slaughter you were to run at you, teeth bared, you wouldn’t think twice about killing it, would you?”
“I suppose so,” said Antenora, “but I’d still feel a little pity for the puppy, if it was only mad because it had rabies or something.”
“That’s the great tragedy of the n00bs,” Dante continued. “N00bs are not born – they are made. Ordinary denizens of the Internet can be converted into n00bs, if they are willing – I know not how, for I have never witnessed the process myself. But by the time it is over then there is nothing of that person left – and anyway, they must have wished to become a really cool member in the first place, for the process to take place. So you see, we don’t have any choice but to kill the n00bs, and they deserve it anyway.”
“I see,” replied Antenora, thinking. “I didn’t know that before. How did you find out?”
“I have my resources,” Dante whispered, mysteriously. “People who have changed their minds at the last minute, prisoners who have escaped from really cool member camps – even n00bs themselves, for I’ve posed as one before now to steal their secrets.”
Dante and Antenora’s conversation was interrupted then, by a loud groan from Amber, who had slumped to the ground.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped, “but I’m just too tired…”
Ennui hurried to her side.
“You must be ill,” he said. “You look so pale – it’s dreadful to see you like this. Here, I’ll carry you on my back, although I’m not particularly strong.”
“I don’t want to be any trouble,” said Amber, as Ennui lifted her up – and as he did so, he froze for a moment, noticing two tiny marks on Amber’s neck. Then he continued to lift her, and she clung to his back.
“It’s not far now,” said Derik, gazing into the distance. “I can see the Border Mountains on the horizon.”
“Speaking of which, won’t there be n00bs swarming all over the place?” Robert asked. “How are we to get through?”
“N00bs are lazy,” said Dante, firmly establishing his position as the expert on n00bs. “They won’t have guards all over the mountain. They’ve probably just snatched the quickest route from the Spam River through the Border Mountains for themselves – or made a new one.”
“We’ll have to work out the best route for ourselves when we get nearer,” said PJ.
---
The Border Mountains rose up slowly, tall and threatening in the hazy light. Once it was near enough to see the different paths winding through the mountains, the really cool member’s route became obvious. A wide and winding road had been cut through the mountains, going around them where possible but at other times curving steeply uphill – whichever the quickest route was. Char and Ennui were poring over the former’s map, attempting to decide which route was safest for them, Amber occasionally pointing out things over Ennui’s shoulder.
“Well, this route goes straight to Coliseum,” said Ennui, pointing one out. “But it runs almost parallel to the n00bs’ road at points, and I can’t think that they wouldn’t see us.”
“We could try one of these lesser paths,” said Char, tracing a few of them with her finger. “They’ve got caves and stuff marked on them which we could camp in, but there might be wild viruses living there.”
“Which would we rather risk,” asked Amber, “the n00bs discovering us, or being attacked by wild viruses?”
“Well, it’s probably for the best if the n00bs don’t even know we’re here…” pondered Derik.
“And in case you’d forgotten,” PJ said, “some of us took on a powerful virus in Generic Woods, and won without a scratch on us.”
“Let’s make a poll,” said Antenora. “All for risking wild viruses, say ‘Aye!’”
Ten voices cried out the monosyllable. The plan was agreed.
---
The Border Mountains are often referred to as the barrier between the Internet and the Spam River – but the mountains are very old, and have been crossed many times, so various frequently-used routes have become true paths, worn-down from many feet. In truth, what prevented the n00bs from mounting a true invasion before was the lack of a wide road – the paths, as they were, allowed only two people standing shoulder-to-shoulder at once.
Clearly, though, the n00bs had built their own road at last. They may be pitifully stupid, but some of them are very strong, and they have massive numbers. The road which they had built permitted ten at a time, without much difficulty. As the 667ers got closer to the Border Mountains – heading to a path some way to the north of the really cool member road – they caught a glimpse of a group of really cool member guards, and what looked like an attempt to construct a permanent watch tower.
The path which the 667ers had taken led to Coliseum, eventually, but by a round-about route. Bushes and creepers had intruded on the path here and there, and at times a fall might have proved most fatal, when the path went particularly high in the mountains. The 667ers passed the occasional cave, but fortunately, any wild viruses seemed to have chosen different homes.
Eventually, as the 667ers turned a corner on their path which went around a particularly high mountain, they glimpsed Coliseum. The brown-stoned amphitheatre was nestled in a valley bordered on all sides by mountains, and Char, studying her map, informed her companions that Coliseum was three-quarters of the way through the Border Mountains, and they were three-quarters of the way to it.
“Let’s rest in this cave here,” said Ennui, pointing out a large and suitable one not far down the mountain from where the group stood. “We’ll want to be refreshed if we are to barter with mercenaries. We need to put up an impression of strength, so that they won’t badger us for a bigger share of the treasure.”
“Do n00bs even have treasure?” asked PJ.
“Well, they generally steal any valuables they find,” said Ennui, shrugging, “so I assume that it all finds its way back to the Queen of Chaos. I expect that she has a treasure room, or something.”
“I don’t really want to share any treasure with mercenaries,” said Char.
“Then we’ll have to trick them into signing a contract full of loopholes,” said BSam.
“Trickery can wait until the morning,” said Dante, in his usual commanding tone, “but for now, let’s try and get some rest.”
“I could do with it,” yawned Amber, slipping off Ennui’s back. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been so tired. I don’t know what it is.”
Ennui said nothing, but settled down a short distance away from Amber. As the rest of the group made themselves as comfortable as possible and began to fall asleep, Ennui kept one eye open, watching Amber.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 7:14:56 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 19, 2005 7:14:56 GMT -5
---
They were all asleep. It was time to feed…
A figure approached Amber in the darkness, swaying slightly, eyes glowing green. It bent down over Amber and bared its teeth…
“En garde!”
Ennui jumped up and drew his sword in one fluid movement. The figure recoiled, and paused as it thought about what to do.
“Ennui, is that you shouting?” asked a sleepy voice, from the stirring heap that was PJ. “You’ve woken me from the most beautiful dream, where my spoon was a real lightsaber…”
The figure’s mind was made up, and it turned to flee the cave. Unfortunately for it, a quick-thinking and light-sleeping Robert caught it around the ankle, bringing it to the floor. Ennui dashed past Robert to block the cave entrance.
“Everybody, wake up!” he cried. “There’s a traitor in our midst!”
The 667ers were truly roused from their slumber now, and having become quick to recover from a sleep over the past few days, they hastily formed a circle around the fallen prisoner, who pushed himself up from the dirt and showed his face.
“BSam!” cried Derik. “What on Earth is going on?”
Hissing, the green-eyed BSam span around, looking for a weak point in the circle. Then, his body crumpled, and a shape made from what looked like thousands of pieces of string wrapped together burst from his mouth. It rose towards the ceiling, and then darted at Ennui, who slashed at it with his rapier. The creature flew back, and a few pieces of it fell to the floor, letters and numbers in bold white type drifting through the air.
“It’s made of code,” said Derik. “Dozens and dozens of lines of code. Which means that it must be…”
At this moment the floating creature roared, and a hole to the front of its shapeless body began to move, a voice coming from it.
“You dare to attack me, mortal? I, who have brought down empires so old you can never have heard their name, been responsible for crimes so great that they are not spoken of? You dare to attack me, the hacker Geoffrey?”
“Geoffrey?!” cried Char, incredulously.
“Yes, Geoffrey,” the floating hacker said, in a booming voice. “You have no doubt heard my name spoken in relation to many terrible crimes?”
“Err… no, not really,” replied Char. “I was just wondering why a hacker would have such a normal name as ‘Geoffrey.’”
“Yeah,” agreed PJ. “You should have called yourself Night-Wing, or Blood-Hand, or Fever-Slash.”
“You dare to question Geoffrey?” bellowed the creature.
“Quite obviously,” said Dante, in the voice of somebody bored to death. “Now, enough egotistical ranting. Why did you possess the body of this friendly drunk?”
“And why,” asked Ennui angrily, “have you been leeching off the post count of Amber, draining her energy?”
“He’s been doing what?” asked Amber, sleepily.
“I needed a host body,” said Geoffrey, “and when I saw three people wandering the desert alone, I took the body of the one who looked the strongest. But I miscalculated – his body was tainted with beer, and my power was suppressed. I could not adapt. I needed cleaner posts to stabilise the body, so I began feeding off the girl you call Amber.”
“This explains everything,” said Antenora. “Have you noticed BSam drink any beer in all the time since he’s joined us? Or even said much, for that matter?”
The group nodded in agreement.
“Now that you have discovered the truth,” Geoffrey said, “I shall take my leave of you. Ahahahaha!”
And with that, the wicked creature flew over to the mouth of the cave, lines of code trailing in the air behind it, and had almost reached the mouth of the cave when Antenora stabbed it with the Blade of Banning.
“Arrg…” moaned Geoffrey, and he began to shrink, the lines of code that made up his body folding in on themselves and vanishing. “What trickery is this? Do not think you have heard the last of Geoffrey…!”
And with that, Geoffrey shrunk down to a single ], which folded in half and vanished.
“Good thinking, Antenora,” commented Dante. “Who knows what havoc Geoffrey might have wreaked had he escaped?”
“Probably not much,” said Derik. “I get the impression that all that stuff about destroying empires was just self-hype. But it’s certainly for the best that he’s gone – hackers are some of the most dangerous creatures around.”
“I doubt that he’ll be truly gone,” said Ennui. “These hackers may be arrogant, but they are also very clever. They lay plans and make plots. Geoffrey is banned, certainly, but he probably has ways and means of getting around that.”
“If we ever meet him again, he won’t be so lucky,” said Antenora, sheathing the Blade of Banning. “BSam, are you alright?”
BSam was stirring on the floor, muttering under his breath. Presently, he looked up at the circle of 667ers around him, and started to speak.
“headache…” he moaned. “need beer.”
Robert found BSam’s bag of supplies and began to check through it.
“Uh…” he said, holding up a crushed can of beer and turning it upside-down. “Sorry, BSam. All the cans are empty.”
“Geoffrey must have poured it all away,” said Akbar.
BSam groaned and put his hands over his face.
“It looks like BSam will have to stay sober for a while,” said Dante. “Cheer up. There’s probably plenty of beer at Coliseum – those mercenaries love it.”
---
Some hours later, the group stood at the top of a winding path which led right down their mountain and to Coliseum. Up close, the building looked even more magnificent – floor after floor of windows and row after row of seats, and yet encircled by high walls and the gateways barred by great doors. It was the strongest old fortress in the entire Internet.
“It’s amazing,” marvelled Ennui, “truly amazing. I often wonder how people manage to build such beautiful places.”
“As well as hiring mercenaries, we can probably stock up on supplies there too,” said Dante, casting a meaningful glance at BSam.
Antenora alone was silent, squinting at the building and trying to see something distant. She proceeded to produce a golden spyglass from a pocket, which she put to her eye and gazed at the building.
“Oh dear,” she said, after a moment. “I’m afraid that I have some rather bad news…”
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Antenora
Detriment Deleter
Fiendish Philologist
Put down that harpoon gun, in the name of these wonderful birds!
Posts: 15,891
Likes: 113
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Divided
May 19, 2005 7:52:53 GMT -5
Post by Antenora on May 19, 2005 7:52:53 GMT -5
This was absolutely wonderful! I loved BSam's beer-chucks, and the team of n00bs with unweildy weapons, and our discussion of n00bs as rabid killer puppies, and the hacker Geoffrey who posessed BSam, and... everything else.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 8:12:40 GMT -5
Post by Ennui on May 19, 2005 8:12:40 GMT -5
I though BSam wasn't very BSamish...now I see...excellent, Dante. I wonder who the mercenaries are going to be? Make them as cliched as possible. Half-elven ninja assassin sorcerors with jarringly modern and American idiom...of course, if they're other 667ers, or you have some other plan, ignore the above...
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Divided
May 19, 2005 8:20:15 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 19, 2005 8:20:15 GMT -5
I though BSam wasn't very BSamish...now I see...excellent, Dante. It's actually very difficult to write BSam. I may have to start adding smilies to his sentences or something.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 8:32:08 GMT -5
Post by Ennui on May 19, 2005 8:32:08 GMT -5
Amber does it pretty well. Just write him as he types, I would. And smilies could work too. As in:
wheres the beeer???
EDIT: What happened to the irritating question mark smiley, beloved of n00bs? Have Proboards 4 murdered it?
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Divided
May 19, 2005 8:37:28 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 19, 2005 8:37:28 GMT -5
EDIT: What happened to the irritating question mark smiley, beloved of n00bs? Have Proboards 4 murdered it? Looking at the smiley menu above my post, then it seems that the smiley can now only be produced by typing %20???. Let me preview that to check. Hm. Most odd. The first one, , worked, but the second one didn't. Ah, but perhaps... ? Most odd. Perhaps you had the disable-emoticon box checked? Let me have a look... j???j Ah, it requires a space beforehand. So... where's the beeer??? where's the beer Hilarious. Now it won't work at the end of a sentence. How silly. Yeah, I'll take your tip on writing BSam. Thanks.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 12:05:13 GMT -5
Post by Dismay on May 19, 2005 12:05:13 GMT -5
Good addition, but you killed izzy! Sorry, its just that we were both obsessed over the same book for a while.
I <3 this story. Its easy to get a good image from it.
Hmmmm. These mercenaries sound a little interesting. Will we see the green and purple(was it them?) knights again? Hmm. A connection. I'm going to enjoy this.
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Divided
May 19, 2005 13:07:12 GMT -5
Post by Amber on May 19, 2005 13:07:12 GMT -5
It is very good, I like "Ch4rge" I can imagine a really cool member saying "ch" "four" "rge".
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Divided
May 19, 2005 18:05:08 GMT -5
Post by PJ on May 19, 2005 18:05:08 GMT -5
I though BSam wasn't very BSamish...now I see...excellent, Dante. It's actually very difficult to write BSam. I may have to start adding smilies to his sentences or something. Yeah, he's hard to write. Try everything lower case, no punctuation besides a period and a spelling mistake ever so often. Yeah, it was great. I dunno what you where whining about before, Dante, this was as great as the other fragments. Working in our suspicions about Robert was cool, though: "Isn’t that James, though?” asked PJ, his eyes thinning. “My nemesis." Hehe. Also, for the record, BSam is also my nemesis. To an extent. I liked how the lifeforce was her post count. It all makes sense now! Newbs have a small post count, so their children, whilst the older people, with a larger post count are...larger and stronger. Like BSam. He's the biggestest of them all. Anyways, I thought the traitor was Dante. I mean, it would have been easy for the n00bs to set up a hacker in chains and have him pose as Dante..... Anyways, just write more. I love this. And, now, for the grand unveiling of....my map! i6.photobucket.com/albums/y228/PJTheHatter/MAP.jpgLike Amber's, only more cluttered and clip-arty! Edit: You might have to zoom in a bit. Edit the second: And yes, I did overuse the whole "Here be...." thing
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Divided
May 20, 2005 3:23:13 GMT -5
Post by A. the Returned on May 20, 2005 3:23:13 GMT -5
Very nice. I liked the debate about the curly haired youth and PJ's comment about 'Dude'. It's very good.
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Divided
May 20, 2005 11:17:59 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 20, 2005 11:17:59 GMT -5
That's a very nice map you've got there, PJ.
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Divided
May 21, 2005 6:51:18 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 21, 2005 6:51:18 GMT -5
“The flag of Coliseum has been replaced with the flag of the n00bs,” Antenora said, putting away her spyglass. “The n00bs have captured Coliseum.”
“No!” cried Derik. “That can’t be. The warriors at Coliseum are the strongest in all the Internet.”
“I fear that we are the strongest warriors in all the Internet now,” said Antenora, sadly.
“The n00bs may be weak,” said Dante, “but they have the advantage of numbers – and they also have spammers on their side. Possibly worse things. You never know.”
“Well, there goes our plan to hire warriors,” sighed PJ.
“nd beer,” added BSam, looking at his feet.
“So,” said Ennui, “I suppose it’s time for Plan B?”
“What’s Plan B?” asked PJ.
“As is the tradition – there isn’t one,” sighed Ennui. “Does anyone have any ideas as to precisely what we are to do now?”
“I vote we go in there and kick out those n00bs,” Robert said.
“A brilliant plan, Robert,” observed Ennui. “With one small flaw – how do you propose we defeat the masses of n00bs garrisoned there, along with whatever other horrors Coliseum has? It’s famed for its monsters – the n00bs may well have let them loose to wreak havoc.”
“It was just an idea,” Robert replied. “Besides, it’s not like we’ve got much chance of reaching the Spam River without going near Coliseum. Or even reaching the Queen of Chaos, for that matter. Can’t we at least try to sabotage them, or something?”
“I recall you yourself, Ennui,” said PJ, “nodding in agreement when Dante was proposing this suicide mission.”
“And I only really wanted mercenaries to serve as cannon fodder,” admitted Dante.
“Surely you’re not considering attacking Coliseum, Dante?” asked Derik.
“This situation requires more finesse than your own attack on the L.D.B.,” Dante said. “But yes, I think that we might as well try to sabotage the n00bs in Coliseum.”
“How do we do that,” asked Char, “when we’re outside – and they’re inside?”
“Well, we get in, obviously,” replied Amber.
“And how do we do that?” Char responded.
“disgusies,” BSam mumbled, after a while.
“Disguises!” cried PJ, enthusiastically. “Oh. But we don’t have any.”
“You don’t need different clothes to be a different person,” observed Antenora. “To people who don’t know you, you could be anyone.”
“So what, we disguise ourselves as n00bs?” asked Char.
“Why, that’s a brilliant idea!” exclaimed Akbar.
“I’d abandon you all right now if I thought I stood a chance out there,” Char sighed.
“There are ten of us,” PJ said. “That seems a few too many n00bs for them to fall for this trick.”
“Some of us could be prisoners,” Antenora said.
“Okay,” said Dante, deep in thought. “Now which of us look most like n00bs?”
---
A strange group came into the vision of the n00bish Coliseum gate guards. A group of seven unruly-looking people, guarded by two boys and a girl, was approaching.
“Y0,” said PJ, as he approached the gate guards. “We’ve just captured these prisoners.”
“We OMG think they have valuables,” said Robert.
“Yeah, so if you could let us in so we can, uh, interrogate them or something?” asked Char. Robert elbowed her in the ribs, and she sighed long and loud. “‘Lol.’”
The guards looked at each other.
“Well, I’m convinced,” said one.
One of them called up to another really cool member watching high above.
“Open the gates!”
A few seconds later, the large wooden door that barred this entrance to Coliseum was drawn aside, and the 667ers proceeded to go in. They found themselves in a large entrance lobby, the ground still covered in sand and the walls still cut from stone. Another really cool member guard, dressed in multiple layers of leather armour and carrying a ridiculously large axe, hurried up to them.
“H3y, is this another group for n00bification?” the really cool member asked.
“Er,” started PJ. “Yes.”
“They’re willing, right? They wants to join us?”
“Oh, do we!” exclaimed Derik. “We’d love nothing more.”
“Why, I’ve always wanted to be a really cool member,” said Akbar.
“I’m glad to hear it,” said the guard. “The chamber is that way.”
He pointed down a wide corridor, adjacent to the entryway.
“It’s a good thing that we’ve got more coming in,” the really cool member said. “Taking over this place was a lot of work, and we lost thousands and thousands. Just running the place is tricky enough.”
“I expect so,” said Char, fidgeting with her hair.
“Anyway, I have to get back to work,” the really cool member said. “It’s nearly time for the Lord Spammer’s breakfast, and I’m waiting on him today.”
And with that, the really cool member hurried away. The group of 667ers turned to look at each other.
“‘Lord Spammer’?” asked Ennui. “Clearly, the Queen has put one of her most powerful servants in charge of the Coliseum. They must consider it an important stronghold.”
“Which is even more reason to sabotage their plans here,” said Antenora. “But who could this ‘Lord Spammer’ be?”
Dante had his suspicions, but he didn’t raise them. It was perhaps not the best time.
“Anyway,” he said, “we should probably head over to this n00bification chamber. If they think we’ve been n00bified, then we’ll be allowed to wander around this place as we please. And besides, I’ve always wanted to see how they do it.”
“Alright then,” said Robert, brandishing his knife-clubs. “We’ll escort you some more, then.”
The wide corridor did not have any rooms coming off it – it simply went straight on, before stopping at a single wide door. Pushing it open, the group looked upon the n00bification chamber.
The n00bification chamber was wide and circular; a dozen raised slabs of stone lay with their heads pointing inwards to the centre of the chamber – where a quite out-of-place machine stood. It resembled a large twelve-sided metal cone, covered in levers and controls and spheres, and it had been cut off at the top by a glass bowl, which contained an object which looked rather like a brain. Twelve large tubes led off from each side of the machine and ended in a vicious-looking plug tool, which was covered in needles and edged with knives. Atop the brain tank was a large metal sphere with a glowing red light coming from one point on its surface, which moved randomly to point at different parts of the room, like a robotic eye.
“Ah, have we got more new recruits?” cried a voice, and a man came into view. He was wearing a long white lab coat, which was covered in bloodstains, and he also had a strap around his chest which dozens of different surgical implements were fastened to.
“Hello, hello, glad to see you,” chuckled the man, rubbing his hands together. “I’m the surg30n. Now, if you’ll just come around here, I’m about to operate on another new recruit. Come watch.”
The surg30n wandered around to the other side of the machine, and the ten 667ers followed him. A woman lay strapped to one of the raised slabs of stone, and the surg30n stood over him.
“It took a while to convince this young lady to join us,” chuckled the doctor, “but after a few operations on her brain, she’d quite changed her mind – my little joke, heh heh…”
The surg30n wandered over to the side of the machine, and picked up one of the large tubes with its terrifying surgical end.
“Let me introduce you to the equipment,” he said. “This in my hand is a mind-plug – it inserts the really cool member program into the subject’s brain. The program then copies really cool member attributes onto the subject’s entire mind.”
The doctor pointed up at the metal device in the centre of the room.
“This,” he explained, “is the really cool member Overmind. It contains the brain of one of the earliest n00bs – the second or third, I think, obviously not the first – and the really cool member program stored in its computer banks draws really cool member attributes directly from the brain. I don’t know why it was given an eye – it can’t speak, or do anything for that matter, save for creating n00bs.”
The 667ers had started to edge away from the surg30n. He didn’t notice.
“And now,” he said, brandishing the mind-plug, “observe the n00bification process!”
And with that, he inserted the needle-covered end of the mind-plug into the head of the woman with a jolt.
The really cool member Overmind began to glow, and electricity began to crackle over its surface and run down the mind-plug. The young woman began to shake and convulse, as did the Overmind’s single eye.
“It’s a marvellous system,” the surg30n cried above the crackle of electricity, “if I may say so, for I designed it myself!”
The electricity began to die down, and the really cool member Overmind began to dim. The eye and the woman settled into relative stillness.
“Now, let’s see if it worked,” the surg30n said, bending over the woman and unfastening the straps which tied her down. “Wake up, my dear. Can you hear me?”
“L33t h4xx0r r0fl,” the woman said, in a blank, monotone voice.
“Oh, really?” asked the surg30n.
“L0l0l0l m4d ph4t,” the woman continued, in the same voice.
“Excellent!” the surg30n cried, helping her up. He turned to the 667ers and said, “They’re always like this directly after the process – just the shock to their systems. They soon recover and become coherent, deadly servants of the Queen.”
He ushered the woman out of the room, the woman not saying anything, just staring blankly straight ahead. The 667ers gazed at the surg30n in absolute revulsion.
“Off you go,” he said, showing the woman to the door and then shutting it behind her. Turning back to the 667ers, he began to ask, “Now, who’s nex –”
He was cut off, though, as he was struck in the chest by five swords, four knives, two beer-chucks, a blast of flame and a crossbow bolt. Looking rather puzzled, the surg30n fell to the floor and was instantly deleted, shattering into fragments of data.
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Divided
May 21, 2005 6:51:40 GMT -5
Post by Dante on May 21, 2005 6:51:40 GMT -5
The 667ers paused for a moment, breathing heavily.
“That was the sickest thing that I’ve ever seen,” said PJ, utterly disgusted.
“You see what I mean?” asked Dante. “I told you that they were monsters. They don’t deserve good treatment.”
“I think that this is the time to start sabotaging,” said an angry Antenora, turning towards the really cool member Overmind, which was no longer rotating its eye but glaring at them, stationary.
Unfortunately, at that moment, a group of six really cool member guards entered the room. With long swords at their sides and almost knightly armour, they looked far more menacing than the n00bs that the group had faced so far.
“We heard that there was a new group of n00bs here,” one of them growled, “so we’ve found you a room. Have you all been n00bified?”
“y3s,” said BSam, slurring his words expertly. “n00bified lm40.”
“Ah, I see,” another guard said. “Right, well let us escort you all to your room. You’ve got one on the top floor, so count yourselves lucky. It’s room 101, just off the main staircase, so you shouldn’t be able to miss –”
At that moment, though, they heard the sound of a bell. The sound was dulled in the n00bification chamber, but still seemed to shake the room – the noise must be deafening.
“Ah, the Lord Spammer must want to watch a battle over his breakfast,” said one of the guards. “You’re new here, so you won’t know about the battles. I’ll show you to the stalls; it’s a real treat.”
The guards escorted the 667ers back down the corridor, and into an opposite corridor which led to a huge spiral staircase, big enough to fit five people across at once. The guards led them away from the stair after three floors, and down another corridor, and then the 667ers found themselves in the sun again. They were looking out into the central pit of Coliseum from one of the high rows of seats. To their right was a large, curtained spectator box.
“That’s where the Lord Spammer watches,” one of the guards said, seeing the 667ers looking. “I wonder who will be battling today? I’ll wager that it’s those captured warriors again.”
“Captured warriors?” asked Amber. “Who are they?”
“Two powerful fighters who he took from a place he’d destroyed,” said the guard. “He put a fragment of the really cool member program in their minds – not enough to convert them into n00bs, but enough to drive them utterly insane. The surg30n told me – he performed the operation.”
The guards and the 667ers took their seats on opposite sides of the entry. Below and across the stadium, they could see that the seats were filled with n00bs, all waiting for the battle to begin.
And then the curtains of the spectator box were opened. Two cages hung from the covered ceiling of the box, and the 667ers could see dimly the shapes of animals in these cages. But it was the now-revealed Lord Spammer who drew the attention of their attention.
The Lord Spammer was fairly well-built, and was covered almost entirely in black plates of metal armour. Draped around his shoulders and all over him were blue chains of Bannium metal, and on his head he wore a dark helmet, shaped like the face of a monstrous pig, which left only his mouth exposed, within the mouth of the helmet-pig.
“Les Paul,” breathed Dante.
“Naturally,” said Ennui. “I see it now – who but he could be the Lord Spammer? One of the greatest spammers of all time, and completely immune to the effects of Bannium. But I wonder how he came to be so well-known to the Queen?”
“Hey, keep quiet over there!” called one of the really cool member guards. “The battle is about to begin!”
The 667ers turned back to the stadium, and saw in the pit of the stadium that two female fighters in purple and green had been released. One of the really cool member guards was laughing and collecting coins from his fellows.
“Those must be the captured warriors,” whispered Akbar. “I can’t see their faces, though – they’re too distant.”
“What makes you think that you could recognise them?” asked Amber.
“The guards said that they were taken from a site which Les Paul had destroyed,” answered Antenora. “So they may well have come from 667.”
“It doesn’t matter,” said Derik. “They’re too far away to tell. I say that we go back to our room and lay down some plans.”
“Agreed,” replied Dante, and the ten 667ers returned to within the walls of Coliseum, although one of them took a long look at Les Paul before they went.
---
“Okay,” said Dante, who was presiding over the meeting in Room 101, “we have a lot to think about.
“There’s one obvious thing which we need to sabotage – the really cool member Overmind. Destroying that will bring really cool member recruitment to a halt, on this side of the Spam River. That’s a fairly easy task. The rest of us should go about gathering information.”
“Let’s volunteer ourselves for the really cool member Overmind sabotage first,” said Antenora. “As Dante said, it’s an easy task, so we’ll only need two volunteers. Who here enjoys mindless violence, possibly for a just cause?”
Robert immediately put up his hand. A moment later, BSam followed suit.
“BSam, you enjoy mindless violence?” asked PJ, puzzled.
“oops,” replied BSam, “i tohught this was the misssion to find the beer.”
“Well, you’re going anyway,” sighed Dante. “We need to get this done quickly, and I can’t have you all squabbling over these tasks. Which reminds me – no trading places.”
PJ and BSam looked disappointed.
“Right, with you two eliminated,” Dante said, “then I can split the rest of us up. Amber goes with Ennui, naturally, and we’ll keep the Intellecteers together by putting Akbar with you. You’re going to investigate the green fighter.”
Amber, Ennui and Akbar nodded.
“And to go and look for the purple fighter,” Dante continued, “I think that it’s best that we put the most reckless member of our group together with the most cautious. That’s you two, PJ, Char. And Derik, you go with them and keep them in order.”
Derik nodded, whilst PJ and Char looked faintly insulted, and shot glares of annoyance at each other.
“That leaves us to go and investigate things in general, Antenora,” Dante said. “And for the record, I didn’t manipulate events from the beginning to achieve this outcome.”
“You’re a liar, Dante,” said PJ.
“And you’ve got a job to do,” said Dante. “Off you go, all of you.”
The three other parties – Robert and BSam; Amber, Ennui and Akbar; and Derik, PJ and Char – departed, leaving Dante and Antenora alone.
“So,” asked Antenora, “what does ‘investigating things in general’ actually mean?”
“Mostly just wandering around aimlessly together, on the off-chance that something significant happens before our eyes,” Dante admitted.
“That suits me,” said Antenora, and they too departed, together.
---
“Alright,” said Derik, “we have to go and find the purple fighter. Are there any ideas?”
“Rush around randomly, threatening and slaughtering, until we find them,” PJ said.
“You’re an idiot,” Char replied.
“So I’m making the decisions, then,” said Derik, mostly to himself. “I need some advice. Colin?”
Derik placed the towel to his ears.
“Yes, you’re quite right,” Derik said. “Of course they’ll be held close to where they were let out. Now, that’s on the ground floor…”
Derik led the now-bickering PJ and Char to the main staircase, and they descended to the ground floor. A bored-looking guard was leaning against a wall, whistling a merry tune.
“I say, my fellow really cool member,” said Derik, applying his disguise skills, “you wouldn’t happen to know where the purple fighter is kept, would you? I rather fancy poking fun at her.”
“Why yes,” said the guard, “her cage is straight ahead, and then to the left. Then you take the second right, the first left, the middle fork, the third left, the ninth right, go down the stairs, go back up the stairs, go right, take the fifth right, and then it’s straight ahead.”
“Er,” said Derik, stunned into speechlessness by the complexity of the directions, “is there a short-cut?”
“Short-cut?” repeated the guard. “Yes, I suppose you could take the shortcut. Just go straight ahead instead of taking the first second right.”
“I see,” said Derik. “Thank you.”
The guard resumed his whistling, and Derik hurried off, PJ and Char in tow, hurling second-rate insults at each other. Derik straight ahead, and then to the left, and then continued on until he came to the wall of a large cage, with a barred and locked door set into it. Peering through the bars, Derik saw the portcullis which opened up into the main stadium on the right of the cage. The purple fighter was in the middle of the cage, savaging a green punch-bag with animal fury.
“Hello?” Derik said. “Can you hear me?”
The purple fighter’s only response was to tear at the punch-bag with even more ferocity.
“Hello?”
At that moment, Char shouted a particularly loud insult at PJ, and the voice seemed to trigger some long-forgotten memory in the purple fighter. For a mere moment, she turned towards Derik’s group, and they saw her face – but then the memory passed, and she went back to ferociously tearing at the punch-bag.
“Hey,” said PJ, “wasn’t that J. in there?”
“She finally went crazy, then,” mused Char. “Probably the best place for her, really.”
Derik did not speak, but simply watched J., in silence.
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