Chapter Five
Among the many sorts of treatment a person can receive, there is one called the
royalty treatment. Of course, not all who receive such treatment are royalty, and not all royals receive such treatment, much like a certain Duchess I once met, and whom I would very much like to meet again, just to make sure she is alive, which I'm afraid, and I really hope I'm wrong, she is not. The royal treatment is often offered to those of great wealth, fame and possessions. After entering an enourmous room at the Casanova Casino penthouse, the Baudelaires soon found out this sad truth of the world, even the worst people receive the royalty treatment, if they have the money to pay for it, and this was clearly the case with the people that were inside the large room. Three women and three men sat in what seemed to be very expensive red velvet armchairs with heart motifs, with an
army of employees and servants to serve their every whim. The room was a large room with many pillars, and an incredible piece of tapestry covered the marble, white and black checkered floor. The marble pillars at either side of the room were adorned by red velvet curtains with large heart patterns, and a monstrously large and heart-shaped window laid across the room, and before it, a desk that was surely to be enormous and expensive and an armchair that seemed greatly diminished by the greatness of the window behind it. Looking out the window, the Baudelaires could see the city's lights, and the lights of the Casanova Casino shooting up at the sky, dying it a deep red. But all the wonder of the décor and architecture of the place was quickly forgotten as the Baudelaires recognized one of the women sitting at the large table. Not long ago, that same woman doned an obscene bikini fashioned out of seaweed and seashells, with seashell-heeled shoes and more seashells rolled up in her hair, serving as curlers. The same woman responsible for the recent damage at the Anwhistle Aquatics, the same woman responsible for the kidnapping of Cindry Fulfillment and the torture of Elizabeth Anwhistle,
Esmé Squalor.
'Oh, there they are. We were waiting for you. Sit.' Esmé said. The natural and calm way with which she pronnounced each word scared the Baudelaires. Esmé then pointed one of her long figernailed fingers to three armchairs that remained empty at the table. Everyone looked at each Baudelaire. Shivers going up and down their spines, the Baudelaires sat at the table, only Beatrice had to share her seat with Sunny. Esmé seeing all Baudelaires well set, stood up, and the Baudelaires were not surprised to realize Esmé still could surprise them when it came to her absurd outfits.
Esmé's hair was streaked with red, and looked considerably shorter than the last time they had seen her. The three red streaks only enhanced the darkness of her hair, which was mostly still a very dark brown, or a light brownish black. She had her eyebrows carefully outlined with black pencil, but her eyes could not be seen behind large heart-shaped glasses, with dark red lenses. She had her lips painted to a similar fashion that of Carmelita's, making her mouth seem heart-shaped. But what really caught the Baudelaires' eyes was what Esmé was
wearing. A large white blouse with could only be described as the
Queen of Hearts card printed on it. The shirt was large, and it fitted Esmé like a dress. She also had sparkling, sequined red shoes, and yes, she seemed to be wearing nothing else. Esmé walked over to the Baudelaire's blind spot, behind them, and stood exactly behind Violet's armchair.
'These, Casanovas, are Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice Baudelaire. They are volunteers and they are our sworn enemies.' were Esmé's words. Nothing she could have said could have terrified them more, but the men and women at the table looking at the Baudelaires.
'Are you sure, Esmé?' said one of the women, who was fat and had a headful of a bright red hair, and seemed to want to disguise her obvious uglyness - because she
was ugly. She wore a sparkly red night gown that seemed to be made only to showcase why she should not be wearing it at all. 'They do not fit the description you gave us in it's entirety.' She looked at Esmé with obvious disdain.
'Oh, but look at them, sister. They
must be the infamous Baudelaire orphans. I think that one is the prettiest.' said the other woman who was pointing at Violet, her hair practically white she was so blonde, with dark eyebrowns and dark eyes to contrast them with. Her lips were painted with a deep red lipstick, and her nails, in the same color. She wore a white pinstripe suit, the stripes all in a shade of red. The buttons of her suit were shaped as hearts, and she looked quite beautiful, probably even more than Elizabeth Anwhistle, and that was saying
something.
'Oh, yes, she is.' said one of the man at the table. His armchair was the second largest, so he was to be someone of great importance. He held a cigar in his right hand and what looked like a martini on the left. His dark hair was slick back with hair gel, and his face was very handsome, and Violet blushed upon looking at him - she felt
very guilty later for this, for multiple reasons - and very strangely, he had a big red K embroidered on his suit, and beneath it, a large red heart. His body was very muscular and athletic, easily noticeable due to the perfect fitting of his suit. 'They'll make a fine addition to my staff, won't they now, father?' Said the man, looking at the man besides him, who sat on the largest armchair.
'Yes.' was the man's reply. If Esmé had the Queen of Hearts printed on her blouse, the man speaking now must have been the inspiration for the look of the Kings of the playing cards. He looked
exactly like a card King, only instead of a crown, he doned a pinstriped fedora hat, a large, dark fur coat, and an identical suit to that of the dark-haired man. His blonde hair was done in the same way as that of the card Kings, and his face was shockingly similar, the only difference being he was being seen from upfront, not from his profile, like with the cards. He smoked a cigar, and too, had a martini on his other hand. 'We only have to pick their suits and numbers, and they'll start working immediately.
Che fortuna, bambini!' he finished, with an italian expression which here meant 'How fortunate you are, children!' which, for someone who knows just how
fortunate are Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice Baudelaire, could not be further from reality.
The man next to the card King-like man said nothing, merely staring at the Baudelaires. His blond hair was identical to the blonde woman's only more gold and less silver. He wore a suit identical to the other men, only without the embroidered K. He looked at Violet, Klaud, Sunny and Beatrice almost as if he already knew them even before Esmé introduced them.
'I
knew it was them!' Carmelita's voice was heard, as she came rushing in. 'See, Esmé, I made them follow me, just like you told me to do!' Then Carmelita started hopping around obnoxiously like a rabbit. As everyone was distracted by this, Violet nodded to Klaus as a sign and the four Baudelaires stood up and rushed towards the opposite end of the room, where they had entered from. Before they could give more than five steps, Esmé shouted.
'STOP!' She said. 'Either you sit nicely with us and listen to what we have to say, or Vinny and Tommy here will turn you into swiss cheese with their guns.' Then two nearly identical men stepped into the light, from behind the curtains. They each held a
tommy gun, which is the kind of gun favored by the Italian mafia, pointed to the Baudelaires. 'That would be quite a catastrophe, for you, wouldn't it?' said Esmé, with a wicked smile. 'Sit. Now.' Then Esmé retreated towards her armchair, which was in the shape of a giant red heart.
Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice felt lost as they returned to their seats at the tableful of evil villains. They had barely arrived at the Casino, and had already fallen into a trap, masterfully laid by Esmé Squalor, with the help of her ward.
'Let me introduce you to the Casanova Family.' Esmé began to speak, but the large woman in the tight red gown interrupted her. 'Last time I checked I could introduce myself, Esmé.' Esmé perked up her nose in disdain, and the woman stood up. The heavy make up did not sit well with her features and shape, and it made her look somewhat like a member of the late Count Olaf's theater troupe. 'I am Carlotta Clarissa Casanova, and I am the most beautiful woman in the world.' Everyone else at the table applauded in agreement, even the blonde woman next to her, who was
actually beautiful, and Esmé, who was far too self-absorbed and vain to agree. 'Even if I kicked kittens...Set fire to kindergartens, people would still love me and would never cease to forgive me. Because I am...beautiful.' said the woman, in her own dellusion. Everyone applauded again, and this time, even the Baudelaires, as Esmé knocked Violet with her elbow, as the Baudelaires had not applauded the first time, which greatly irritated the dellusional, large woman named Carlotta.
Carlotta then sat again on her armchair. and the blonde woman next to her stood up to introduce herself. 'I am Caterina Angelina Casanova. My hobby is to dress up other people. I can't
wait to dress up the four of you! My other hobbies include attending tea parties and other social gatherings, and to play blackjack, which I'm fairly good at, if I may say so. And shopping. And inventing cocktails. And...' With each hobby that Caterina enumerated, the more applause she got. It seemed like everyone's palms would become seriously sore when someone reminded Caterina that she had been going on and on about her hobbies. 'Sorry, I get carried away too often.' And then, she sat back on her armchair. The Baudelaires were astonished. They honestly believed they had met all the kinds of weird people during their misadventures, but Carlotta and Caterina took the cake, an expression which here means 'won from all other weird people they had met before', but, in Carlotta's case, it could be a very
literal saying.
The dark haired man with the cigar stood up. He looked like the very portrait of pride, filling up his chest with the cigar's smoke to look more physically apt than he was, which in my opinion is an oxymoron. He then introduced himself, 'I am Carlo Alfredo Casanova, and I am the current owner and manager of Casanova Casino. Esmé is my girlfriend, and we are in
love!' Everyone applauded him but Carlotta, who made an arrogant face. 'When me and my
bella, Esmé, marry, we'll be King and Queen of this Casino. We'll be
unstoppable!' Everyone applauded him yet again, and Esmé even blew him a kiss. 'I like to say that this is the most
in casino
ever!' Carlo said, finishing with a mixture of laughter and coughing from the cigar's smoke. Everyone applauded him once more, but the applauds were awkward, as Carlo kept trying to laugh while choking and coughing on the smoke of his cigar. His face turned a deep red, and the Baudelaires thought he was done for, when everyone broke in laughter. When the laughter stopped - Violet, Klaus, Sunny and Beatrice
did not laugh - Carlo wiped the sweat off his forehead with a red handkerchief from his pocket, embroidered with the symbol of Casanova Casino - a heart with two moon-like C's inside it, mirroring each other, and the familar
eye in the middle - and sat down on his armchair.
'This here is Don Casanova, my papa, the current King of Hearts at this Casino.' Carlo said pointing to his father, the man who looked like the card Kings, who rose up, receiving yet another round of applause. He merely smiled and said nothing, sitting back on his armchair, and receiving yet another round of applause for that.
'Last but not least, Felix Fernando Casanova.' said Esmé Squalor. The blonde man who sat next to Don Casanova stood up. Strangely, he received no applause. 'You might remember him, Baudelaires. When we were at Funeral Factory Fulfillment Ltd, he helped me with my schemes, and then again at Montague Manor, and yesterday, at Anwhistle Aquatics.'
'What?!' The four shocked Baudelaires interjected in unison. The man standing before them was equal in height to Foreman Ferguson, the butler at Montague Manor an Captain Stubb, but he looked
nothing like them. Where he was handsome and angelic in appearance, with his blonde hair cut short near his chin, Foreman Ferguson was scruffy, gray-haired, old, hunchback, large-nosed, bespectacled, and purely
ugly. The butler at Montague Manor was snobbish, pale, and had a very different stance. Captain Stubb was full of scars, his face having all the signs of a life spent at sea. The man standing before them now at the Casanova Casino could not
possibly be the three of them.
'Shocked much?' He asked, playfully, and suddenly breaking into a devilish smile. 'Yes, it's truth. I was with Esmé the whole time, Baudelaires. I helped her kidnap Cindry Fulfillment, torch the factory, then the manor. Then arranged for a ship to pick us up at Hazy Harbor, where we waited at the Briny Breezes Pub, and from there we went to the Anwhistle Aquatics, where we tried - and succeeded - to obtain the sugarbowl.' he said, always with a playful tone in his voice, as he wasn't being serious.
'Felix here is a Master of Disguise. He is what theater impresarios would refer to as the 'attore perfecto' or 'perfect actor'.' Said Esmé. 'He is well known as
Il Camaleonte. That's italian for
The Chameleon.'
'It can't be...This can't be truth. You're not all serious!' Klaus shouted. Everyone looked at him with disapproval. 'Klaus...Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. What are we to do with you?' said Esmé, resting her head on her hands, while her elbows rested on the table.
'We have a proposition for you, Baudelaires. And you're not leaving this island until we get an answer, and a positive one at that.' Carlo said, blowing the smoke from his cigar, which formed a heart shape in mid air.
'What kind of proposition is that?' Violet asked. She was feeling very angry, but contained herself. Any other person would have broken down and jumped at the necks of the villains there, but Violet knew, there were too many necks, and she would never do such a thing.
'It's wonderfully simple, actually. All you have to do is join us.' Esmé said, with another of her wicked smiles, and then she wrapped her arm around Violet. Violet shivered. The last time Esmé had wrapped any of the Baudelaires with her arms, she pushed the orphans down an empty elevator shaft. And then, Violet shivered again, when what Esmé said finally sunk in.
'
Join you? Join
you?!' Klaus hit the table with his both hands, in a protest-like stance. 'After all you did? After...' but Klaus silenced. Esmé had lifted a finger to signal him to wait and stay silent. She then used the same finger to press on a switch on a small device on the table - an intercom device - the Baudelaires had failed to notice.
'Big U, bring her in.' Esmé spoke to the intercom device.
After a few moments, two people entered the room. One was a man. The other, a girl. Before I can say just who is the girl, and I'm afraid you have already guessed, I have to describe the man. But to describe the man, I have to make a comparison. When this man came into the room, only one thing, the same thing crossed the Baudelaires' minds. The man was
huge. Upon seeing him, none of the Baudelaires ever thought of Carlotta Casanova as fat, and they never dared compared her to the person of indeterminate gender from Olaf's theater troupe, a person so fat and quiet they never found out his or her true gender, as she or he never spoke, not once until he or she died in the tragic fire at Hospital Heimlich. But
this man was enormous. Gigantic. Gargantual. Colossal. A mountain. To make matters worse, he had somehow managed to find a pinstriped suit, similar to that of Carlo, Felix and Don Casanova, a suit big enough for his planet-sized figure. But what struck the Baudelaires as the most strange was the man's limbs, which were considerably slimmer than the rest of his figure. He looked like an orange with a head a four long
hashi sticking out of it. But unlike the creature from Count Olaf's theater troupe, this one was
surely a man, because he did speak.
'Here she is.' he said, with what the Baudelaires thought was the strangest voice they had ever heard, a voice so strange and undescribable it would be futile of me, dear reader, an attempt at describing it, and for that I apologize. The collossus of a man stopped a good ten feet far from the table where everyone sat. And then, from behind him, came
the girl.
'Cindry!' Klaus shouted in surprise. And it was indeed Cindry Fulfillment coming from behind the giant, with a sad smile on her face. Cindry was surely happy to see Klaus, but as he figured, she already knew of Esmé and the others' intentions.
'Klaus...I'm so sorry. I couldn't do a thing...' she said, a tear descending from her left eye.
'It's okay, Cindry. At least we're together.' and then Klaus hugged Cindry.
'Aww, how romantic.
L'amore!' Carlo's voice sounded, and everyone looked at him. 'See, Klaus. If you join us, you'll always have Cindry with you. If you don't...Let's say you won't be riding the Fortune Ferry back home anytime soon.'
'I don't have a home.' Klaus said. His voice came out more hurt than he intended, but saying it made it even more real.
'Casanova Casino can become your new home, if you want.' Esmé said, rising up from her chair, and removing her heart shaped dark glasses. Her dark eyes were adorned by her trademark very long and black eyelashes, along with dark red eye shadow. 'Don't you know the saying, Baudelaires?
If you can't beat them, join them. You and all other volunteers can never win. So either you join us...Or I think we all know what happens next. Don't we?'
Everyone in the room nodded affirmatively, but the Baudelaires needed not to do so. They had known it for a long while. All they could do was fight tooth and nail to survive, and they had done so for a
very long time.
'If you join us...We'll give you treatment worthy of royalty. You four, with your skills, would be invaluable to our business...And of course, our organization.' Carlo said. Caterina tried to start another round of applause, but it wasn't the moment, and she stopped.
And yet again, the Baudelaires arrived at another crossroads in their lives. They hadn't received treatment worthy of anything for a long time. They were tired of fighting. They had every reason to say yes to the request they were being faced with, and not one reason to say no. But thinking of all the kind and noble volunteers who they had previously met, they knew
yes was not an option. The Baudelaires then did something that might shock you and others. Exchanging quick glances, they silently and almost telepathically debated over the matter for a moment. It wasn't until they had all stopped looking at each other that a Baudelaire orphan's voice was heard, and that voice was that of Klaus Baudelaire.
'Yes. We'll join you.'
And the Baudelaires received a round of applause, and Casino employees came rushing in to give each Baudelaire the royalty treatment, with each Baudelaire feeling the emptiest on the inside they had
ever been.