By my calculations, then, this is where we stand at present - if it's in text, it doesn't have an image:
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People who can’t elaborate on their points are quite irritating to me. It’s just, you see, it’s just so… It’s because they just can’t, like, they are just so… so… not, oh, I don’t know, they’re just not…. They’re so… just… uhm… (Bryan)
You may think squirrels look harmless. But ask little Jimmy Lackpaw why he can't play the piano anymore, and he'll tell you a story which'll change your mind. Would you like to hear that story? You can't, since I'm out of words. (Dante)
Birthdays frequently feature surprises. But not all surprises are pleasant. For example, you may receive an ugly sweater instead of the new electronic device you wanted. Or you may light the candles on your cake, only to hear a strange ticking sound… (Antenora)
Reviews for books can be misleading. You never know what the reviewer’s been through. He could’ve written the review at gunpoint, who knows? I once was fooled into reading a horrid book about three orphans. It changed me; I’ll never forget it. (F.D.)
The old woman slammed down the phone, panting at the memory of the bright, cheery voice. Hurriedly she dialed the number to contact the police. But it was too late. A “FOR SALE” sign was already being nailed into her front lawn. (Sherry Ann)
"How nice, not being plagued by the problems of coach seats," I think while sitting in first class. "Wait- what! Oh woe is me! With all of this leg room, I must stand up to reach the magazine in front on me!" (Bryan)
‘YOUR SHOELACE IS UNDONE!’ the man said, blocking my path as I walked along a crowded pavement. I looked to right and to left, but there was no escape, so with a sigh I bent down, and was trampled by the crowd. (Hermes)
Whilst walking in disguise amongst my enemies in a shadowy street, I was oblivious to the fact that the Universe was making plans for me. Felt it in my feet, losing balance. Pain in my whole body as it hit the ground. (F.D.)
Everyone has fears. Otis was afraid of heights and was a bit claustrophobic. I think you could see how being trapped in a tiny elevator, seven feet off the ground, surrounded by three bulky men, would be an awkward situation for him. (F.D.)
Color coordination is a curious thing. And no one knew this better than the city’s sixth most important financial advisor’s husband. However, in admiring his rack of solid colored neckties, a sudden thought struck him.
How does one go about arranging patterns? (Emma Squalor)
"Attention passengers: please fasten your seat belts. We are departing the airport now." I pulled out my PDA. WELCOME. I scrolled through some files. FLIGHT CHECKLIST. I checked: Flashlight? Check. Laptop? Check. Camera? Check. Walkie-talkies? Check. LOW BATTERY. What? Oh. Oh, no.(Sherry Ann)
Naive, that’s what he was. Gordon couldn’t imagine what would happen that day. After all, it was a nice day, the sun was shining. It never crossed his mind that he, a cashier, could be killed because the store had no peanuts. (F.D.)
Absentmindedness, as you know, is often an unwanted trait, and can sometimes strike us at the worst of times. It happened to me, when I opened my freezer and discovered my salmon burgers soaked in the frozen contents of my parsley soda. (Emma Squalor)
“No trust.” That’s our slogan here at Barbarous Bank. We want our customers to know we don’t trust them – or anyone else. That’s why this commercial is coming to you from the surveillance cameras hidden in your home. Nice couch, Ms. Reynolds. (Sherry Ann)
"All the tea in China" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably valuable. "Bull in a china shop" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably destructive. So, you see, finding a bull in your china-filled tea shop is immeasurably unfortunate. (Sixteen)
Going to the hairdresser can often be an interesting experience. You can stare at your face in the mirror, read gossip magazines or watch as your hair is cut horribly. After my visit to the hairdressers, I wept for two days straight. (Brunch)
Every day at the same time, the truck man made his rounds. But due to a traffic jam today's delivery would be delayed. After many hours he gave up and went home; surely delivering these peanuts a day late wouldn't hurt anyone. (BSam)
Although it might seem tragic when you forget something small and precious, like a lucky dime, an idea for a story, or an exotic insect specimen, such things are really a dime a dozen. What harm can a single lost butterfly do? (Dante)
Most often recess is supposed to be a time of joy, a time for a break between tedious lessons taught by flat-footed professors. But sometimes there are so many villainous students, that recess can actually become the worst part of your day. (Brunch)
I know long journeys can be tedious. That’s why I always take my iPod with me when traveling. Once, listening to loud music in the bus, I ended up embarrassing myself. Mental note: Always make sure you are only mouthing the words. (F.D.)
Too often a life led
like those industrial apples -
frozen for too long, in its own sarcophagus.
Juice in the flesh,
sweet in the mouth,
pink in its cheeks,
wetly fresh, firmly held,
and deep inside,
is where you taste the dead.
(thedoctororwell)
One problem with ovens is that they are incredibly unpredictable. On Monday, I found that my meal had been overcooked. The next day I found that my meal hadn’t cooked at all. I wonder what I’ll find in my oven today. *BOOM!* (LSWannabe)
Deciding on a good book is like entering a new hotel. One could be amazed by the many stories, whether or not they have floors, or one could be appalled by the very first page, whether or not he asks for directions. (Sherry Ann)
As you know, tiny events can have huge consequences. Betty the butterfly didn't know this-- but when she flapped her colorful wings, she was generating air currents that would eventually lead to a storm, which in turn would cause a traffic jam. (Antenora)
You know that feeling when it's your birthday and you expect it to be special, but it feels like just another day? I'm hoping that doesn't happen to one of my favourite authors; apparently it's his birthday now. Hopefully it's slightly special. (BSam)
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By the way, I've been saving copies of all of these anyway, so don't worry about the URLs at all. Also, for F.D.'s story about reviews, perhaps you could fog out
this barmy review in the background?
.
