Post by Christmas Chief on Jan 23, 2012 19:32:14 GMT -5
Unfortunately we missed it, but the entire inquisition can be found at HuffingtonPost.com and below, and some of the highlights can be found here.
~~~
Hello, strangers. This is Daniel Handler, aka Lemony Snicket, finally able to pursue my dream career: free advice.
Love is like promoting a book: every so often, after a long day, you think, what in the world am I doing with you?
Q: "His friends say he likes me but he was burned by an ex. We have sleepovers, but he won't make a move. What gives?"
A: Where did the ex burn him, exactly? This might be a medical condition.
Q: "My boyfriend is Chaser on my intramural Quidditch team, and he's awful. Under what circumstances is it okay to murder him?"
A: If you’re both in a fantasy novel. Join the real world; the villains are worse and the martinis are better.
Q: "Help! I need some good Valentine's Day date ideas!"
A: Stay in. Make gimlets. Watch Nosferatu. Repeat and fade.
Q: "What is the best love song ever?"
A: “Mean To Me," the Julie London version.
Q: "I have a crush on a work superior who I probably am not allowed to go out with. What should I do?"
A: Say to him, “Your Holiness, this is awkward, but...”
Q: "How can you make sure my spouse puts the utensils in the dishwasher the *right* way?" #1stWorldProblems
A: Unless “puts the utensils in the dashwasher” is a euphemism, you are beyond help.
Q: "I'm so sick of being single! How can I find a date?"
A: Desperation is like a spilled drink: even if it's delicious, no one will get near it. Cultivate an aura of glamorous unapproachability.
Q: "I've never been in a relationship. What should I say when people are sharing their sorrows and I have none?"
A: “This reminds me of what happened between Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky.”
Elsewhere, Melissa Pickett comments...
Reading #DHHelpsU tweets. Daniel Handler could make a fairly decent advice-tweeter if this whole "writing" thing doesn't work out.
Back to the advice.
Q: "My husband eats so much, no matter how much I make, there are never any leftovers for lunch. Help!"
A: “I’ll have the double hamachi roll, and two uni nigiri."
Q:"How do you stop loving someone? My feelings just last and last." #Makingroomforsomeonenew
A: Every day the coffee’s bitter no matter how much sugar goes in...
...The shower is clammy and even the cheeriest music is a dirge...
...Every coat’s itchy and too small, like they took part of your body with them...
...and then one night you find laughter in the offhand remark...
...you find yourself healing like a good little scar...
...and you’re ready once more to hover over the cliff...
a breath of fresh air before gravity remembers you.
Love is like Downton Abbey: the first season is delightfully breathless, although some characters see war brewing...
...and then the second season gets a little dull, and you start to make bets on who's going to die.
Q: "What to do when all the boys you have a crush on turn out to be sociopaths?"
A: Realize that you’re on Planet Earth and become a radical feminist like the rest of us.
Being tempted to go back to a lover who mistreated you horribly, after dating loads of dullards, is now called a “Gingrich surge.”
Q:"How do I stop my partner being so moneygrubbing?"
A: Promptly write him a check for your half of every expenditure. Three breathmints later he’ll cut it out.
Q: "She keeps making me eat asparagus. She tells me I'll acquire a taste for it. What if I don't?"
A: If she eats asparagus, you should develop a taste for it anyway.
Q: "Lemony: My boyfriend likes Taylor Swift music. Help!"
A: Step away slowly. I have a Shostakovich fan perfect for a rebound.
Q:"My significant other and I are thinking about moving in together. I've never lived with someone before--what should I expect?"
A: Crumbs in the bedroom, hairs in the sink, My darling, my roommate, you drive me to drink.
And Daniel's wife tweets in response...
Sorry, I have a cookie habit.
Q: "what is the best legal way to end a miserable relationship?"
A: Ever used a door before?
@huffpostbooks So, smash them over the head with a door?
A brief aside from our narrator...
I've never tweeted before. The exclamation point at the end of "Your tweet was posted!" seems glaringly overenthused.
The next one received a lot of retweets...
Q: Why do boys take my phone number but never call?
A:The answer lies in the word “boys.”
Q: "Is it okay to Google someone before going on a date with them?"
A: Of course it is, Margaret Renner of Baltimore, Maryland. How’s the cyst?
Q: "I have terrible luck meeting people in bars. Is there a better way to meet potential dates?"
A: Yes, but if it doesn’t go well, wouldn’t you rather be in a bar?
Q:“My husband’s on book tour and I miss him terribly. What should I do?”
A: Read Picture The Dead, out soon in paperback. I miss you too, #Lisabrowndraws.
Q: What’s the worst date movie?
A: Shoah. Although I guess I made pity work for me once in college.
Q: "I've met 10 guys recently, all 'want to get drinks soon' and text randomly. No solid plans from any of them, why?"
A: Our breakneck, overcompartmentalized culture has made us so vague and scattered that--oops, out of characters.
Q: "What should I do if my love is unrequited?"
A: If you look closely, any paragon has grating faults. Find one and fixate until the object of your affection looks like a boob.
Q: My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, but I don’t want to.
A: Do it badly, once. “Darling, I want your scrotum.”
That doesn't work on everyone, it seems...
That's pretty hot. @huffpostbooks
Q: “What is the sexiest book to give as a gift?”
A: Lolita, hands down. And then hands everywhere.
Q: There’s this boy that I am verily attracted to. Should I ask him on a date, or wait for him to take the bait?"
A: “Verily?” Is that you, Mercutio?
Q: “Our anniversary is Superbowl weekend, and she’s a huge Giants fan. How can I persuade her not to watch the game?”
A: I have no idea what any of this means. Your wife likes giants? Then a large bowl sounds like a great gift.
Q: “Write a love poem for my gf?”
A: “No room’s ugly when you walk in the door. I fall at your feet. Let’s roll on the floor.”
Q: "How do you go from being just friends to more than friends?"
A: Blind courage, sudden kiss, risk everything, good luck.
Other opinions are available...
@huffpostbooks I go from friend to something else by taking off all my clothes and yelling COME AND GET IT.
@huffpostbooks What if we love someone but that person is actually a cat?
Please, please tell me that by “cat” you mean “jazz musician.” I’m depressed enough already, @flavorpill.
Q: "Should I tell possible lovers that I’m sexually abstinent?"
A: Either I don’t know what “lovers” means or you don’t know what “abstinent” means.
Q: Is the three-days-before-calling-after-a-date rule applicable for guys AND girls?
A: @figmentfiction That rule is nonsense. Call on the way home and say you can’t help yourself.
Daniel Handler- expect a phone call.RT @huffpostbook
Q: "I've heard through the grapevine that I'm bad in bed. Any advice?"
A: Sounds like the grapevine needs to turn over a new leaf. You might just need to turn over.
Q: "What's the best revenge for a scorned lover?"
A: A successful literary career. How ya like me now, [redacted]?
Q:"Her birthday is Valentine's Day. One gift or two?"
A: If you stop at one, you won’t have to worry about it, ever again. Ever.
Q:"How can I break up with him so he thinks I'm a good person?"
A:You won’t give him the gift of hating you? You’re merciless.
Q:"My partner has a Vulcan level of logical.How can I convince him feelings are as valid as facts?"
A:Stop using the word “Vulcan.”
Q: “I’ve been flirting with someone online, and he wants to meet. But I’m afraid it will ruin everything. Any advice?”
A: It’ll go fine. See you soon, @condoleezza Rice.”
Q:"What kind of a ring should I buy to propose with?"
A:Onion. Then head to the store together.
Q: "Will you Marry Me?"
A: Sorry, my heart belongs entirely to @lisabrowndraws. But if you’re Sidney Poitier, let’s talk.
Mrs Daniel Handler adds...
And I'll fight ya.
Q:"I'm jealous of my boyfriend's ex. What should I do?"
A:Never, never, never reveal this. Feign vague boredom when the subject comes up. Practice saying, "Who? Oh. OK, I guess."
Q: "Thinking of throwing in the towel and becoming a crazy cat lady. Advice?"
A: @condoleezzarice, I said we should move this offline.
Q: @sallyspar How do you stalk an author if they're not on Twitter?
A: Buy him a drink. BTW, I’m dining early @beasley’s Chicken&Honey tonight.
Q: "what's a good birthday present for someone I've only been seeing for a few weeks?"
A:For making the heart grow fonder: Absinthe.
Q: "Whenever we go to a bar, she says 'Surprise me.' What should I order?"
A: The woman alone at the end of the bar. Surprise!
Q: How do I date a guy I don't want to kiss?
A:There’s a solution but they don’t call it “dating.”
Q:"How do I pick up someone in a book store?"
A: Pick up The Master And Margarita and wait.
Q:"What's the best first-date outfit?"
A:Overdress, but imply you’re dashing over from something glamorous.
Q: "What's the best drink for a broken heart?"
A: Stage1: Bourbon,despair. Stage2: The Negroni, because life goes on. Stage3:Bourbon.
Q:"What's the best way to 'set the mood'?"
A:Late-period Roxy Music or Sam Prekop’s first record.
Q:"Is the way to a man's heart really through his stomach? If so, what do I make him?"
A: Yes. Nothing gassy.
Q: "I keep trying to break up, but he won't get the message. How can I make him understand it's over?"
A:You’re being “nice” to him, aren’t you? It’s the greatest cruelty.
Q: "My husband wants to quit his job and write a book. But he's a terrible writer. How do I tell him?"
A:Sadly, being a terrible writer precludes neither happiness nor success. Just ask--oops, I appear to be at 140 characters, rats.
Q: "Do you have any tips for online dating?"
A: Emoticons = trouble.
Q: "How can I spice up a stale relationship?"
A: Nooners. Right, @condoleezzarice?
Q: "Where's the best place to go for a first date?"
A: Somewhere where you have to eat something messy. You’ll learn everything.
Q:"What is the meaning of life? Will I ever find the answer I’ve been searching for?"
A: Drat, we’re out of time.
Dear total strangers, it's been lovely to barge into your personal lives in order to promote my new novel, Why We Broke Up.
--Daniel Handler
~~~
~~~
Hello, strangers. This is Daniel Handler, aka Lemony Snicket, finally able to pursue my dream career: free advice.
Love is like promoting a book: every so often, after a long day, you think, what in the world am I doing with you?
Q: "His friends say he likes me but he was burned by an ex. We have sleepovers, but he won't make a move. What gives?"
A: Where did the ex burn him, exactly? This might be a medical condition.
Q: "My boyfriend is Chaser on my intramural Quidditch team, and he's awful. Under what circumstances is it okay to murder him?"
A: If you’re both in a fantasy novel. Join the real world; the villains are worse and the martinis are better.
Q: "Help! I need some good Valentine's Day date ideas!"
A: Stay in. Make gimlets. Watch Nosferatu. Repeat and fade.
Q: "What is the best love song ever?"
A: “Mean To Me," the Julie London version.
Q: "I have a crush on a work superior who I probably am not allowed to go out with. What should I do?"
A: Say to him, “Your Holiness, this is awkward, but...”
Q: "How can you make sure my spouse puts the utensils in the dishwasher the *right* way?" #1stWorldProblems
A: Unless “puts the utensils in the dashwasher” is a euphemism, you are beyond help.
Q: "I'm so sick of being single! How can I find a date?"
A: Desperation is like a spilled drink: even if it's delicious, no one will get near it. Cultivate an aura of glamorous unapproachability.
Q: "I've never been in a relationship. What should I say when people are sharing their sorrows and I have none?"
A: “This reminds me of what happened between Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky.”
Elsewhere, Melissa Pickett comments...
Reading #DHHelpsU tweets. Daniel Handler could make a fairly decent advice-tweeter if this whole "writing" thing doesn't work out.
Back to the advice.
Q: "My husband eats so much, no matter how much I make, there are never any leftovers for lunch. Help!"
A: “I’ll have the double hamachi roll, and two uni nigiri."
Q:"How do you stop loving someone? My feelings just last and last." #Makingroomforsomeonenew
A: Every day the coffee’s bitter no matter how much sugar goes in...
...The shower is clammy and even the cheeriest music is a dirge...
...Every coat’s itchy and too small, like they took part of your body with them...
...and then one night you find laughter in the offhand remark...
...you find yourself healing like a good little scar...
...and you’re ready once more to hover over the cliff...
a breath of fresh air before gravity remembers you.
Love is like Downton Abbey: the first season is delightfully breathless, although some characters see war brewing...
...and then the second season gets a little dull, and you start to make bets on who's going to die.
Q: "What to do when all the boys you have a crush on turn out to be sociopaths?"
A: Realize that you’re on Planet Earth and become a radical feminist like the rest of us.
Being tempted to go back to a lover who mistreated you horribly, after dating loads of dullards, is now called a “Gingrich surge.”
Q:"How do I stop my partner being so moneygrubbing?"
A: Promptly write him a check for your half of every expenditure. Three breathmints later he’ll cut it out.
Q: "She keeps making me eat asparagus. She tells me I'll acquire a taste for it. What if I don't?"
A: If she eats asparagus, you should develop a taste for it anyway.
Q: "Lemony: My boyfriend likes Taylor Swift music. Help!"
A: Step away slowly. I have a Shostakovich fan perfect for a rebound.
Q:"My significant other and I are thinking about moving in together. I've never lived with someone before--what should I expect?"
A: Crumbs in the bedroom, hairs in the sink, My darling, my roommate, you drive me to drink.
And Daniel's wife tweets in response...
Sorry, I have a cookie habit.
Q: "what is the best legal way to end a miserable relationship?"
A: Ever used a door before?
@huffpostbooks So, smash them over the head with a door?
A brief aside from our narrator...
I've never tweeted before. The exclamation point at the end of "Your tweet was posted!" seems glaringly overenthused.
The next one received a lot of retweets...
Q: Why do boys take my phone number but never call?
A:The answer lies in the word “boys.”
Q: "Is it okay to Google someone before going on a date with them?"
A: Of course it is, Margaret Renner of Baltimore, Maryland. How’s the cyst?
Q: "I have terrible luck meeting people in bars. Is there a better way to meet potential dates?"
A: Yes, but if it doesn’t go well, wouldn’t you rather be in a bar?
Q:“My husband’s on book tour and I miss him terribly. What should I do?”
A: Read Picture The Dead, out soon in paperback. I miss you too, #Lisabrowndraws.
Q: What’s the worst date movie?
A: Shoah. Although I guess I made pity work for me once in college.
Q: "I've met 10 guys recently, all 'want to get drinks soon' and text randomly. No solid plans from any of them, why?"
A: Our breakneck, overcompartmentalized culture has made us so vague and scattered that--oops, out of characters.
Q: "What should I do if my love is unrequited?"
A: If you look closely, any paragon has grating faults. Find one and fixate until the object of your affection looks like a boob.
Q: My partner wants me to talk dirty to him, but I don’t want to.
A: Do it badly, once. “Darling, I want your scrotum.”
That doesn't work on everyone, it seems...
That's pretty hot. @huffpostbooks
Q: “What is the sexiest book to give as a gift?”
A: Lolita, hands down. And then hands everywhere.
Q: There’s this boy that I am verily attracted to. Should I ask him on a date, or wait for him to take the bait?"
A: “Verily?” Is that you, Mercutio?
Q: “Our anniversary is Superbowl weekend, and she’s a huge Giants fan. How can I persuade her not to watch the game?”
A: I have no idea what any of this means. Your wife likes giants? Then a large bowl sounds like a great gift.
Q: “Write a love poem for my gf?”
A: “No room’s ugly when you walk in the door. I fall at your feet. Let’s roll on the floor.”
Q: "How do you go from being just friends to more than friends?"
A: Blind courage, sudden kiss, risk everything, good luck.
Other opinions are available...
@huffpostbooks I go from friend to something else by taking off all my clothes and yelling COME AND GET IT.
@huffpostbooks What if we love someone but that person is actually a cat?
Please, please tell me that by “cat” you mean “jazz musician.” I’m depressed enough already, @flavorpill.
Q: "Should I tell possible lovers that I’m sexually abstinent?"
A: Either I don’t know what “lovers” means or you don’t know what “abstinent” means.
Q: Is the three-days-before-calling-after-a-date rule applicable for guys AND girls?
A: @figmentfiction That rule is nonsense. Call on the way home and say you can’t help yourself.
Daniel Handler- expect a phone call.RT @huffpostbook
Q: "I've heard through the grapevine that I'm bad in bed. Any advice?"
A: Sounds like the grapevine needs to turn over a new leaf. You might just need to turn over.
Q: "What's the best revenge for a scorned lover?"
A: A successful literary career. How ya like me now, [redacted]?
Q:"Her birthday is Valentine's Day. One gift or two?"
A: If you stop at one, you won’t have to worry about it, ever again. Ever.
Q:"How can I break up with him so he thinks I'm a good person?"
A:You won’t give him the gift of hating you? You’re merciless.
Q:"My partner has a Vulcan level of logical.How can I convince him feelings are as valid as facts?"
A:Stop using the word “Vulcan.”
Q: “I’ve been flirting with someone online, and he wants to meet. But I’m afraid it will ruin everything. Any advice?”
A: It’ll go fine. See you soon, @condoleezza Rice.”
Q:"What kind of a ring should I buy to propose with?"
A:Onion. Then head to the store together.
Q: "Will you Marry Me?"
A: Sorry, my heart belongs entirely to @lisabrowndraws. But if you’re Sidney Poitier, let’s talk.
Mrs Daniel Handler adds...
And I'll fight ya.
Q:"I'm jealous of my boyfriend's ex. What should I do?"
A:Never, never, never reveal this. Feign vague boredom when the subject comes up. Practice saying, "Who? Oh. OK, I guess."
Q: "Thinking of throwing in the towel and becoming a crazy cat lady. Advice?"
A: @condoleezzarice, I said we should move this offline.
Q: @sallyspar How do you stalk an author if they're not on Twitter?
A: Buy him a drink. BTW, I’m dining early @beasley’s Chicken&Honey tonight.
Q: "what's a good birthday present for someone I've only been seeing for a few weeks?"
A:For making the heart grow fonder: Absinthe.
Q: "Whenever we go to a bar, she says 'Surprise me.' What should I order?"
A: The woman alone at the end of the bar. Surprise!
Q: How do I date a guy I don't want to kiss?
A:There’s a solution but they don’t call it “dating.”
Q:"How do I pick up someone in a book store?"
A: Pick up The Master And Margarita and wait.
Q:"What's the best first-date outfit?"
A:Overdress, but imply you’re dashing over from something glamorous.
Q: "What's the best drink for a broken heart?"
A: Stage1: Bourbon,despair. Stage2: The Negroni, because life goes on. Stage3:Bourbon.
Q:"What's the best way to 'set the mood'?"
A:Late-period Roxy Music or Sam Prekop’s first record.
Q:"Is the way to a man's heart really through his stomach? If so, what do I make him?"
A: Yes. Nothing gassy.
Q: "I keep trying to break up, but he won't get the message. How can I make him understand it's over?"
A:You’re being “nice” to him, aren’t you? It’s the greatest cruelty.
Q: "My husband wants to quit his job and write a book. But he's a terrible writer. How do I tell him?"
A:Sadly, being a terrible writer precludes neither happiness nor success. Just ask--oops, I appear to be at 140 characters, rats.
Q: "Do you have any tips for online dating?"
A: Emoticons = trouble.
Q: "How can I spice up a stale relationship?"
A: Nooners. Right, @condoleezzarice?
Q: "Where's the best place to go for a first date?"
A: Somewhere where you have to eat something messy. You’ll learn everything.
Q:"What is the meaning of life? Will I ever find the answer I’ve been searching for?"
A: Drat, we’re out of time.
Dear total strangers, it's been lovely to barge into your personal lives in order to promote my new novel, Why We Broke Up.
--Daniel Handler
~~~
