Post by Poe's Coats Host Toast on Mar 4, 2013 16:05:53 GMT -5
❦❦❦
Bartholomew Winterbottom's
LORD OF THE FARTS aka NINETEEN EIGHTY-FART,
or some other mixture of pseudo-clever and infantile salsa like that for a title
Once upon a time there was a tree house, there were apples on the tree it was on, and there was quite a large group of teenagers who came to see each other and eat the tree's apples in the tree house. It was a thing that over the years many teenagers frequented. There were some who have been part of it for a handful of years, like Jack or Roger, and there were some who have been visiting the tree house for merely a year, like Winston.
Around that time, Jack, Roger and some others started going out of the tree house to eat apple pie every now and then. Winston wasn't that hungry for pie so he stayed in the tree house with a handful of other people eating apples and talking. But most of the teens were now going out eating apple pie very frequently, and they ate so much, that whenever they came back to the tree house they started farting like hell. The entire tree house was smelling like apple pie farts every time they ate the pies, and after some time Winston couldn't take it anymore and asked if they couldn't fart outside so it wouldn't smell so horrible inside.
Jack and his friends said they liked the smell of apple pie as that's what they just ate, and they didn't have a problem with it. Winston pointed out that he did not eat any of the pie, and the smell irritated him.
"Well that's on you, Winston," said the people. "You're welcome to eat pie with us anytime, then the smell wouldn't irritate you."
Winston politely declined the offer, and said, that since he chooses not to have any of the apple pie, if they couldn't fart outside where he didn't have to smell their farts.
"Are you saying we shouldn't eat pie? But that is ridiculous, Winston," said the people, "everybody knows pie is delicious. And if you eat apple pie your body naturally developes gasses that make you fart. We can't help it."
"No, that's not what I'm saying," Winston pointed out, "Eat all the pie you want, just keep your farts outside where you eat the pie, 'cos for me that smell is unbearable. Eating apples won't make you fart, but if you eat pie, go outside to fart. I guess it would be also fine to light a scented candle to cover that horrendous smell."
"Well for us the smell is not horrible, and neither is eating pies. It's a great way to eat one's fill, as well as have a gathering and socialize with each other while eating," said the people. "Yeah, I ate apple pie with the others six times now, and it was awesome. We had so much fun," said another one of the people.
"No I get that," said Winston, "I think it's great y'all are bonding and stuff, just consider that I choose not to be part of the whole apple pie thing and so your apple pie farts are pretty smelly for me."
"You can't tell us to stop going out and eating tasty apple pie just because your fickle nose can't stand our farts! And anyway, you have the option to eat the apple pie with us, so it's your fault," exclaimed one of the people, and the others in the group agreed.
"Like, are you even listening?" asked Winston irritated, "Go on have all the apple pies you want, just keep your farts in when you come back to the tree house, or go fart outside, I mean, yeuch! That smell!"
"There's no rule in the tree house rulebook that says we can't eat anything else than apples, just because it makes us fart. If you prefer apple pie to normal boring apples, then you should be able to eat that," said Jack. "Yes," chimed in a person named Karmelita, "and whatever, you loser, people have been going out eating apple pie and farting back in the day, before you even started coming here, so somehow that makes it okay."
"Wha--" began Winston, but was cut off by another person of the group.
"And honestly, are these farts really such a bad thing?"
"Well not if you go outside to make them, or make an effort to hold them in," answered Winston, "If you do a little one between longer periods of time, I guess it won't bother anyone, but if you just go on farting like there's no tomorrow then yes, they're pretty f*cking bad."
„Why are you so mad about this? God, all this talk devoid of irony is making me uncomfortable“ someone said annoyed.
„I'm not mad, I'm calm. I don't know about some of you though,“ said Winston, „I'm just trying to discuss the smelly farting elephant in the room.“
Then someone named Max, who hasn't said anything yet, spoke up. "Actually, I think it's smelly when people fart after eating apple pie too, I just didn't want to bother anyone. But yeah, those farts are pretty nauseating. And I actually remember when people did this for some time a couple years ago, and I really hoped it wouldn't start again."
"So we should stop eating apple pie and having fun because we fart? That's insane! You're insane!" said Roger, " If you two don't like our farts you can just ignore them. It's not going to stop, so either shut up and join in or shut up and step back. All this whining is just making people less open to still trying to include you in the apple pie eating meetings."
"That's a pretty sh*tty thing to say, don'tcha think?" asked Max surprised at Roger's attack.
"Maybe, but man, stop whining about not eating apple pie you choose not to eat," said Roger in response.
"I love you, Roger. You go ahead and tell'm!" proclaimed Karmelita.
"That's not what we're complaining about and you've missed our point completely, Roger," said Max, "You're being mean, but I really don't know how to resolve this either, and I don't want to upset anyone."
"I don't go eating apple pie either,“ said a new person, „but I don't think anyone is intentionally making their farts smell bad nor making you smell their farts. It's just something that arises naturally."
The rest who just felt uncomfortable during the entire discussion kept being silent and didn't dare to express an opinion.
Winston was tired of trying to clarify what he meant to the apple pie group. "Alright," he said, "have it your way. I can't make you stop farting, I just hoped you'd consider how much this place reaks for me, not to mention anybody else not eating apple pie, like newcomer teenagers who also'd like to begin visiting the tree house. I mean, really, it would be just polite to not fart."
"I can say the same thing to you," said another person called O'Brien, "I think the polite thing to do would be for you to not let the farts bother you. I respect your opinion, but you have to respect people's farts. It's just you who's bothered by them anyway. I'm not eating apple pie either, but I'm just holding my nose. Why can't you? And if someone lets a big one rip, you can ask them to light a scented candle and maybe they will just do that if you're lucky and they're being exceptionally nice. It's great how people become friends over some tasty apple pie. You just can't tell people to stop farting because you don't go to the apple pie eating meetings you're invited to. And come on, it's just farts after all."
"Hear hear!" the group yelled. "I love you, O'Brien!" shouted Karmelita. "Agreed! Agreed! Agreed!" repeated another one enthusiastically. "I don't even know what this is about anymore," said another, and then they stuck a pig's head on a stick and called it the Lord of the Farts. From then on the tree house was known as the smelliest place in the entire land and they farted happily ever after. THE END.
________________________
Just some food for thought packaged as a fic, maybe it helps making some sense of what has been a widely misunderstood issue here lately. If not, just take it as a humorous story with a dystopian ending, it's obviously full of irony and sarcasm or whatever. Disclaimer: This is not meant to inspire continuation of any debates, just a retrospective look. And for the record: I still do think 667 can be a cool place, and all of its members can be cool people sometimes. Peace.