Post by Dante on Feb 28, 2015 3:39:52 GMT -5
Dear Sir,
Congratulations on your fortunate event! To specify, at the cost of this no longer potentially serving as a multi-purpose congratulatory letter for the man with a respectable number of fortunate events in his life, congratulations on your birthday. We hope that your blessings, like candles on the birthday cake of anyone older than thirteen, are more than enough to meet your needs.
Like school reunions, public holidays, and highly-anticipated sequels, birthdays are a time of reflection on what has come before and anticipation of what is yet to occur. Reflecting on what came before this sentence, it occurred to us that we could show our respect for your achievements by looking forward to their highly-anticipated sequel, to be published in the forthcoming months. How better to show our attention and commitment as fans and readers than to anticipate your own upcoming work in a work of non-disturbing fanfiction – to compile our ideas, theories and hopes in a collaborative, fan-produced fourth volume of four? What could possibly go wrong?
As it transpired, writing a book was harder than we thought, especially with over thirteen different authors. Instead of thirteen chapters, what we were left with by the deadline was some significant number of sentences, where the right plot was wholly lost and gone. If the secret of all the wrong questions lies in all the wrong sentences, it is as lost to us as if we had written in invisible ink. Perhaps you can make sense of it all, the complete mystery. Our breath is held.
With all due respect,
Anka Anwhistle, Antenora, Bandit, Brunch, BSam, Dante, fragilethings, gliquey, Hermes, Lemona Snicket, Marinus, Mister M, Pen, Sherry Ann, Sophie, Teleram, Terry Craig, Willis,
and all the members of
667 Dark Avenue
-~<
1. For Beatrice – no wait, wrong series. -gliquey
2. There was a town, and there was a girl, and there was a statue, and there was a librarian, and there was a theft, and there was a person who had been kidnapped, and there was a fire, and I’m pretty sure there was a kitchen sink in there as well. -Dante
3. I should have asked the question, “Shouldn’t you have seen her last in school at this hour?” -gliquey
4. Like all good stories, there is a hero. I have no idea where she is. -Marinus
5. “No wonder she ran away so quickly,” he constantly said, and yet he did wonder. -Pen
6. Having almost run out of suitable tips for Pip and Squeak, I recommended a book about three orphans who suffer constant misfortune, become victims of evil ploys and occasionally make pasta. -gliquey
7. A lighthouse without an ocean is like high-cocoa chocolate: Dark, dry, and not very popular. -Dante
8.
-Sherry Ann
9. Everyone there looked slightly sinister; they came across an old lady with beautiful long grey hair, and wide eyes like she had just lost an argument with herself. -Pen
10. “Who would have tea at this hour?” -Dante
11. When I had said to Qwerty “the world is quiet here,” I certainly hadn't expected the reply, “it's actually quite loud aboard this train”. -gliquey
12. “I am currently in the middle of reading a book you might enjoy—it’s called How to Prevent Delayed Ignitions after Triggering a Gun,” Qwerty told me. -gliquey
13. “I thought of a book a former fencing partner had made me read, about a kid who had an unusual name because he was named by dead people, and this, in turn, made me think of the book it was based on, about a kid who had an unusual name because he was named by animals.” -fragilethings
14. I thought dragons only showed up in tedious stories that begin with “Once upon a time...”, but this story begins with “There was a town…” -Antenora
15. “Look, I won't make you any promises,” he promised. -Pen
16. “Go on,” she said with an authoritative tone, which meant “Proceed with caution.” -Pen
17. A friend with a temper is like a nail sticking out of the floor: You have to tread very carefully around them, or else. -Dante
18. “The name of Killdeer Fields has nothing to do with killing deer; it's named after a bird-- and I'm pretty sure the bird doesn't kill any deer either.” -Dante & Antenora
19. I thought of a book my sister had meant to read, in which the heroine receives a warning from her friend, who makes her walk barefoot in the snow. -Lemona Snicket
20.
-Sherry Ann
21. And I do not understand why the Stain'd Playhouse once allowed the audience to bring live newts into the theatre, but only on Monday nights, or how the effects in The Man Who Looked Somewhat Like Winston Churchill managed to fail every show. -Lemona Snicket
22. “When did you three work last?” -Dante
23. “Middle-aged” is a word which here means “a person who has lived through sixty percent of their life, but convinces themselves they're only at fifty percent.” -Sherry Ann
24. “Old Hal Hairdryer caught Stew stealing from his emporium a couple of years back; he's half-blind, but Stew didn't reckon on the other half.” -Dante
25. Calling someone a “ray of sunshine” is usually intended as a compliment; however, an acquaintance of mine was once so blinded and agitated by the sun that he shot a man five times in the chest, and consequently I am now hesitant to comment on the radiant qualities of even the kindest strangers. -Sophie
26. “I remember the last book I read, years ago, about someone else who learned something and there was a bit of a fuss - what a waste of time!” -Dante
27. There's a German book with a difficult title ending in “Peter” about children like Stew... who get what they deserve. -Dante & Antenora
28. I had originally thought the bell ringing might signal Sebald code, and spent hours wondering what “it less gangbusters” could possibly mean. -gliquey
29. “Shouldn't you be uncool?” -Antenora
30. I didn't say anything, because I remembered a similar conversation with my sister, and I didn't want any of us to end up in a similar situation as her. -Anka
31. My chaperone thought that guessing her first name would be a challenge, a word which here means “an activity one cannot see the point of.” -Hermes
32. That may be so, I thought grimly, but she's no longer in Stain'd-by-the-Sea. -Lemona Snicket
33. I should have asked the question, “If there’s nothing out there, why did I distinctly hear Theodora stomping around in boots?” -gliquey
34. “It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel,” she said, a phrase which here means “like taking candy from a baby” (which here means “with unfair and vile advantage”). -Pen
35. Taking off my shoes to avoid making any sounds, I was reminded of a book which had recently been recommended to me in a letter, in which a young boy attempts to escape a library by reading large, dull books and eating pastries, but unlike the young boy in that story, I was unlikely to be magically saved by my pet starling. -fragilethings
36. The tinkling music coming from the gramophone seemed to put me in a sentimental mood. -Terry Craig
37. I expected her to tell me it was the wrong question, but she merely shrugged and said “don't even ask”. -Lemona Snicket
38. “It's time for me to tell you my greatest secret, Mr. Snicket; the truth is... my eyes aren't really green, I'm just wearing contact lenses.” -Dante
39. Victory is like a sugar bowl: It only tastes sweet to the person who gets there first. -Dante
40. “Is this a rhetorical question?” I asked Hangfire. -gliquey
41. He was versatile, translucent, dangerous, like poisonous fog seeping up from the underworld through earthly cracks. -Sherry Ann
42. In his dying breath, Hangfire choked out his final words: “Lemony… I am your father.” -Brunch
43.
-Sherry Ann
44. “Why would you ask all these questions?” -fragilethings
45. It was my birthday, and for now, at least, I was all right. -Dante
Congratulations on your fortunate event! To specify, at the cost of this no longer potentially serving as a multi-purpose congratulatory letter for the man with a respectable number of fortunate events in his life, congratulations on your birthday. We hope that your blessings, like candles on the birthday cake of anyone older than thirteen, are more than enough to meet your needs.
Like school reunions, public holidays, and highly-anticipated sequels, birthdays are a time of reflection on what has come before and anticipation of what is yet to occur. Reflecting on what came before this sentence, it occurred to us that we could show our respect for your achievements by looking forward to their highly-anticipated sequel, to be published in the forthcoming months. How better to show our attention and commitment as fans and readers than to anticipate your own upcoming work in a work of non-disturbing fanfiction – to compile our ideas, theories and hopes in a collaborative, fan-produced fourth volume of four? What could possibly go wrong?
As it transpired, writing a book was harder than we thought, especially with over thirteen different authors. Instead of thirteen chapters, what we were left with by the deadline was some significant number of sentences, where the right plot was wholly lost and gone. If the secret of all the wrong questions lies in all the wrong sentences, it is as lost to us as if we had written in invisible ink. Perhaps you can make sense of it all, the complete mystery. Our breath is held.
With all due respect,
Anka Anwhistle, Antenora, Bandit, Brunch, BSam, Dante, fragilethings, gliquey, Hermes, Lemona Snicket, Marinus, Mister M, Pen, Sherry Ann, Sophie, Teleram, Terry Craig, Willis,
and all the members of
667 Dark Avenue
-~<
1. For Beatrice – no wait, wrong series. -gliquey
2. There was a town, and there was a girl, and there was a statue, and there was a librarian, and there was a theft, and there was a person who had been kidnapped, and there was a fire, and I’m pretty sure there was a kitchen sink in there as well. -Dante
3. I should have asked the question, “Shouldn’t you have seen her last in school at this hour?” -gliquey
4. Like all good stories, there is a hero. I have no idea where she is. -Marinus
5. “No wonder she ran away so quickly,” he constantly said, and yet he did wonder. -Pen
6. Having almost run out of suitable tips for Pip and Squeak, I recommended a book about three orphans who suffer constant misfortune, become victims of evil ploys and occasionally make pasta. -gliquey
7. A lighthouse without an ocean is like high-cocoa chocolate: Dark, dry, and not very popular. -Dante
8.
-Sherry Ann
9. Everyone there looked slightly sinister; they came across an old lady with beautiful long grey hair, and wide eyes like she had just lost an argument with herself. -Pen
10. “Who would have tea at this hour?” -Dante
11. When I had said to Qwerty “the world is quiet here,” I certainly hadn't expected the reply, “it's actually quite loud aboard this train”. -gliquey
12. “I am currently in the middle of reading a book you might enjoy—it’s called How to Prevent Delayed Ignitions after Triggering a Gun,” Qwerty told me. -gliquey
13. “I thought of a book a former fencing partner had made me read, about a kid who had an unusual name because he was named by dead people, and this, in turn, made me think of the book it was based on, about a kid who had an unusual name because he was named by animals.” -fragilethings
14. I thought dragons only showed up in tedious stories that begin with “Once upon a time...”, but this story begins with “There was a town…” -Antenora
15. “Look, I won't make you any promises,” he promised. -Pen
16. “Go on,” she said with an authoritative tone, which meant “Proceed with caution.” -Pen
17. A friend with a temper is like a nail sticking out of the floor: You have to tread very carefully around them, or else. -Dante
18. “The name of Killdeer Fields has nothing to do with killing deer; it's named after a bird-- and I'm pretty sure the bird doesn't kill any deer either.” -Dante & Antenora
19. I thought of a book my sister had meant to read, in which the heroine receives a warning from her friend, who makes her walk barefoot in the snow. -Lemona Snicket
20.
-Sherry Ann
21. And I do not understand why the Stain'd Playhouse once allowed the audience to bring live newts into the theatre, but only on Monday nights, or how the effects in The Man Who Looked Somewhat Like Winston Churchill managed to fail every show. -Lemona Snicket
22. “When did you three work last?” -Dante
23. “Middle-aged” is a word which here means “a person who has lived through sixty percent of their life, but convinces themselves they're only at fifty percent.” -Sherry Ann
24. “Old Hal Hairdryer caught Stew stealing from his emporium a couple of years back; he's half-blind, but Stew didn't reckon on the other half.” -Dante
25. Calling someone a “ray of sunshine” is usually intended as a compliment; however, an acquaintance of mine was once so blinded and agitated by the sun that he shot a man five times in the chest, and consequently I am now hesitant to comment on the radiant qualities of even the kindest strangers. -Sophie
26. “I remember the last book I read, years ago, about someone else who learned something and there was a bit of a fuss - what a waste of time!” -Dante
27. There's a German book with a difficult title ending in “Peter” about children like Stew... who get what they deserve. -Dante & Antenora
28. I had originally thought the bell ringing might signal Sebald code, and spent hours wondering what “it less gangbusters” could possibly mean. -gliquey
29. “Shouldn't you be uncool?” -Antenora
30. I didn't say anything, because I remembered a similar conversation with my sister, and I didn't want any of us to end up in a similar situation as her. -Anka
31. My chaperone thought that guessing her first name would be a challenge, a word which here means “an activity one cannot see the point of.” -Hermes
32. That may be so, I thought grimly, but she's no longer in Stain'd-by-the-Sea. -Lemona Snicket
33. I should have asked the question, “If there’s nothing out there, why did I distinctly hear Theodora stomping around in boots?” -gliquey
34. “It'll be like shooting fish in a barrel,” she said, a phrase which here means “like taking candy from a baby” (which here means “with unfair and vile advantage”). -Pen
35. Taking off my shoes to avoid making any sounds, I was reminded of a book which had recently been recommended to me in a letter, in which a young boy attempts to escape a library by reading large, dull books and eating pastries, but unlike the young boy in that story, I was unlikely to be magically saved by my pet starling. -fragilethings
36. The tinkling music coming from the gramophone seemed to put me in a sentimental mood. -Terry Craig
37. I expected her to tell me it was the wrong question, but she merely shrugged and said “don't even ask”. -Lemona Snicket
38. “It's time for me to tell you my greatest secret, Mr. Snicket; the truth is... my eyes aren't really green, I'm just wearing contact lenses.” -Dante
39. Victory is like a sugar bowl: It only tastes sweet to the person who gets there first. -Dante
40. “Is this a rhetorical question?” I asked Hangfire. -gliquey
41. He was versatile, translucent, dangerous, like poisonous fog seeping up from the underworld through earthly cracks. -Sherry Ann
42. In his dying breath, Hangfire choked out his final words: “Lemony… I am your father.” -Brunch
43.
-Sherry Ann
44. “Why would you ask all these questions?” -fragilethings
45. It was my birthday, and for now, at least, I was all right. -Dante
