Post by Dante on Oct 9, 2005 2:50:57 GMT -5
The 667er.
img218.imageshack.us/img218/917/667erbanner5nc.png [/img]
Editor : Akbar/Le Grey.
Columnists: PJ, Ennui, George, Sixteen, Scotty and Jemima.
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WTF?
A column with Dupin.
WTF?
‘The Nameless Novel’ Special
COUNTDOWN OF THE WEEK: 10 DAYS TO GO UNTIL BOOK THE TWELFTH IS RELEASED.
The most mysterious book of the series so far is going to be available for all us fans in just 10 days time. With just a few slices of the cover left for us to find, and just a few more days to tick by, it’s really starting to heat up.
BAUDELAIRE BUTCHERS: TRUE OR FALSE?
A shocking revelation on the official Lemony Snicket website has left fans confused and excited, as it declared that the Baudelaire’s may actually kill someone in the upcoming book. Other details released were about a sunbathing spy, a tense spa, and a restaurant, although they were molehills to mountains as everyone tried to make sense of what may really happen in Book The Twelfth. Many members believe that the Baudelaire’s actions may be a complete accident, and others believe that the Baudelaires responsible may not even be Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, but their mysterious parents.
In just ten days time the truth will be announced, but until then the theories can keep rolling in. The Baudelaires have been comparing themselves to Count Olaf and his troupe since ‘The Hostile Hospital’- will they finally commit a crime that will make them as bad as Olaf?
HAVE YOU GOT THE 667 FACTOR?
When the alphabet awards are out of the way, and when the hype of the new Lemony Snicket book has died down, I am planning to host the third series of ‘The 667 Factor 3’. The winners so far have been Hikori (667 Factor 1) and Ennui (667 Factor 2)-so do you think you could be the third winner?
The 667 Factor involves writing poems and songs, showing how versatile your writing is, and gaining the forum’s-and the judges-appreciation for your work. The three judges compete as well, each with three members representing them, so one contestant wins, and one judge wins. The board in which this new competition will be placed in has not been confirmed, but the plans so far are for Chaotic Creativity.
In this third 667 Factor, it will follow the footsteps of the actual television show-The X Factor. Depending on how many people sign up, auditions will take place. Everyone who auditions will be divided into three groups, and they are each assigned to a judge, who chooses just three from their group to represent them for the ‘live’ rounds, where the forum will be voting for who they want to get through.
I shall be one judge, and Ennui has the right to be a second judge if he so wishes. Watch this space for the new series in late October or early November…
THE ‘SUPPORT GROUP’ OF THE WEEK
Our editor and boss of ‘The 667er’, Akbar (or Le Grey) is fasting this month for the Muslim month Ramadan, so let’s all cheer him on! Visit the thread in Menacing Miscellaneous for more information.
Akbar’s Ramadan Thread
FOLLOW ON CAMPAIGN OF THE WEEK: WE WANT AIMEE BACK
A couple of weeks ago, I hit the streets to find out if the petition wanting Aimee-667 member Pucca-may return to 667 Dark Avenue someday. The answer was generally ‘no’, but I’ve decided to see the change of enthusiasm two weeks on. I managed to catch her sister Charlotte once again, and this was how our conversation went:
GEORGE: Have there been any changes in Aimee's enthusiasm about returning to 667 Dark Avenue?
CHARLOTTE: NOPE
GEORGE: Do you think there ever will be any changes in Aimee's enthusiasm about returning to 667 Dark Avenue?
CHARLOTTE: NOPE
I think I may have to desert this campaign.
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A MESS OF POTTAGE
Ennui returns from Crusade and attempts to set his realm in order...
The two weeks that have, alas, elapsed since my last contribution have been filled with furious activity, reminiscent of the buzzing of thousands of drones. The results? A lot of dead bumblebees and a crucial core of honeycomb. We shall begin with what I tend to regard as my primary fief, Fearsome Fiction. The limitations of solely Snicket material tend-I am not quite sure why-to stimulate quality rather than repress it, very possibly because Snicket is an excellent model for aspiring humorists and satirists.
By this same token, I have difficulty with pieces in Fearsome Fiction that ignore this crucial lighter vein of cruel mirth, which should remain entwined in these stories no matter how grim the subject matter. In short, a lot of new stories seem to take themselves too unremittedly seriously, and though the darkness is handled adequately, the reader longs for relief. In this category I include Hanna Squalor’s output. But I stress this is a personal blind spot, and should not be taken too seriously.
One recent story that keeps to the spirit of Mr Snicket and also chooses an original premise is jman’s The Snicket Snickersnee. There are hopeful signs of talent here, though the writer falls into two common traps of the apprentice fanfic author-he does not use paragraph indentation, which makes his story physically agony to read, and his chapters are more like “short chunks nailed in bits of free time”, without a sense of being part of a larger work’s structure.
By far the most exciting development in Fearsome Fiction is the return of a writer before whom I must pay homage as a mere aftercomer-that Queen of Queens Luna, menacingly surnamed “of the Dead”. She has offered her services as a drabbler-for the uninitiated, a writer of stories less than 100 words long. Particularly outstanding responses to commissions are her vignette of Count Olaf’s recruitment to VFD, and her satire aimed at the Dupin disguise.
We now progress to the unpredictable, unordered, overflowing cauldron of talent and otherwise that is Chaotic Creativity. Latterly, there has been a bit of a drought; hopes that our Editor’s story might be regularly and swiftly updated have gradually submerged. Much of the section’s finest products can hence be found on its second page, including Amber’s outstanding Seven Deadly Sins. Yes, I’m as biased as a drunken rattlesnake on this issue, but I care not a fig. It shines clearly as the best constructed story on Chaotic Creativity for some time. Besides, it’s written by far the most beautiful girl in 667 Dark Avenue...
Elsewhere, Celinra’s 667 Soap Opera is of historical interest as an example of the retro-667 fic. Perhaps this nostalgic style is on the verge of a comeback, though I am sceptical. And PJ’s Anthology has reached its conclusion with a tale of the Angel of Death, as pleasantly violent and bathetic as ever. Anything with a character called Cyril, Lord of Nothingness is going along the right lines.
As for Aggravating Art and Leering Literature-as it might be, the disputed Italy and Burgundy of my empire-from the former Antenora’s fiendishly disguised woman and J’s interesting Baudelaire sketches are my pick of the batch; in the latter. Leering Literature has lapsed into languidity, with a desultory debate about which series of books is “best” going on from time to time.
With Book the Twelfth drawing ever closer, I may soon be forced to suspend this column until I can thwart the arsonists and obtain a copy in Britain. But the moment I have consumed it, you can expect a faithful following of what is bound to be a whole range of gifts to Fearsome Fiction.
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PJ’s Rant.
Ok, this week I’ve come prepared. I’ve made a list of things I should rant about, and…I’m going to rant about them. First up.
So, last week I whined about how Rikku’s position hasn’t been filled. This week, it has. Snicketface is the new Greetings mod. That’s all well and good. She’ll be a capable mod, she posts a lot in GG; she’s not the problem. What IS the problem is that she became the mod without even knowing it. She only discovered it after I told her. I just find it hard to believe that Tragedy, who, without fail, does the whole Member of the Month thing (by the way, congrats, Linda) can’t even TELL people he’s making them the mod. He could have, at the very LEAST, made an auditioning thread, or something. You people might not even have noticed that Rikku has gone, you might not care in the slightest, but, yeah, it still pisses me off. Well, good luck Snicketface. I’m only writing this because I’m angry I didn’t get the position. Just as well. I never post in GG anyways.
Next up, the “What are you Reading” thread in LL. It just annoys me. I mean, sure, I’ve posted in it once or twice, but I just don’t see the point in it. I mean, you post the book you’re reading. The thing is, no-one seems to care. It’s just random, meaningless information. No-one bothers to read it, or comment, or anything. And if they DO, it’s just a “oh, I’ve read that”. I’m sorry if you like it, I just think it’s a stupid thread.
Another stupid thread, and this will probably offend a lot of people, is the Asoue-Coincidence Thread in SS. I mean, sure, if you see some old geezer burning down houses and kidnapping children, sure, you can tell us, and we can all wonder, but does everyone really have to tell everyone else that they’ve seen a crow fly past? I mean, come on! Half of the posts involve the word “crow”. Or sometimes “raven” because they are somewhat like crows, at least, they are the same colour. I just think it’s annoying when people post about how someone said something that was an alliteration, or they saw a mushroom, or they heard the word “volunteer”. So there.
Ah, yes, the Games section. I’ve already ranted about this, but a new game has sprung up that needs attention. The “First Annual ASoUE freaky hair contest!” game thread. *shudder*. In this game, you vote on which Asoue characters hair is the “freakiest”. Now, I’m lazy, so I’ll make this quick. Not only is a thread devoted to your opinion on fictional characters hair stupid, but the criteria is even stupider. I mean, honestly, how is Klaus’ hair freaky?
Last week I mentioned how Our Weary World still hasn’t got a mod, and how that’s stupid, but I never really noticed before any reason to have one. Now, I’m sure Corpse Bride is a cool movie and all (I’ve even tried to download it several times) but there really doesn’t have to be three threads on it. I suppose there are SOME distinctions between the threads, one being the anticipation of the film, another being just the film in general, and the third being about a members personal opinions on the film, but still, can’t we just have one thread? Just because there isn’t a moderator, doesn’t mean you have to make three of the same thread.
Last I come to the stickied threads in CC. I mean, those stories might be nice, but they are still two years old. Two years! I mean, they might be about the good ol’ days in 667, but honestly, when was the last time they were read? Who still reads them? As far as I can see, they are only taking up place and make the newer stories fade away quicker, and, if anything, those have more chance of being read than the 2 year old ones.
There you have it, yet another rant PJ has managed to squeeze out of 667. He’s running out of material, and fast, so you guys better do something really stupid that draws my attention, or I’ll have to move onto other matters. And I like whining and mocking people. So please, don’t create a hostile work environment, and do something idiotic. For me.
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Intriguing Information.[/u]
by Sixteen.
The biggest aSoUE news this week is of an official interview with Daniel Handler shedding some light on Book the Twelfth.
It presence was first noticed by chexfan2000, who made a thread in Gloom Looms. The interview was made by an imaginary company, BookBlast. It seems to reveal that Lemony Snicket has gone into hiding until an appearance he will be making via satellite in 20 American cities simultaneously. In the interview, Handler also tells us about some important components of the story, including the name of the person the Baudelaires killed! This is a shocking piece of information, but some members are sticking to the belief that it is the Baudelaire parents he is referring to. The interview ends in an obvious manner, "Also, this is not a book anyone would enjoy reading."
On the topic of NamelessNovel.com, uproar was caused by what was thought to be a leak of the title. Last Tuesday, in an ordinary clue, we were given a poster of Snicket holding a manuscript with The Horrid Hotel written at the top! Panic immediately arose. HarperCollins couldn't let it slip like that, could they? An immense wave of exclamation marks and capital letters conveyed the dissapointment that everyone was surely feeling. However, some of the more calm members pointed out that the Horrid Hotel was crossed out, that is is very unlikely that Handler would re-use a letter and that the unsavoury nature of that page (which mentioned a truckload of hookers) made it unlikely to be Book the Twelfth. The following day, a list of Lots from The Ersatz Elevator, including a red herring, seemed to confirm that we will have to wait for the title a little bit longer. A general sigh of relief was let out, though there are still those out there that are sticking by The Horrid Hotel by all means.
On Thursday and Friday, we got pieces of the cover. The first was of the red-hatted woman. She was wearing a red coat with a high, fur collar. She is thought to be Esmé, Colette the contortionist or just a new, random character. Behind her, though, is an interesting clue. It says "CONCIER-" on a plaque. It probably says "Concierge", meaning the cover is set in a lobby or foyer. Now, with the Nero-looalike's head fully uncovered, it is unlikely that he is Nero. He doesn't have pigtails and seems to be huched over. He could be Hugo the hunchback, but it's not very clear. Saturday's clue was a quote from franz Kafka, showing that he wrote in similar conditions to Snicket.
With just over a week to go until Book the Twelfth is released, we don't apppear able to remain calm. People are getting as skittish as Hector and making accidental grammatical errors that would drive Josephine to (further) insanity. But for now we wait and hope that The Nameless Novel isn't The Horrid Hotel!
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Aries: They say that found pennies come from heaven. Beware of falling pennies.
Taurus: Somebody whom you probably offended with a careless remark will do something kind for you. Be sure to repay them somehow. They accept all major credit cards.
Gemini: Treat any mysterious hooded figures you encounter with great respect. It might also be a good idea to give them money, especially if they're carrying croquet mallets.
Cancer: The ghost of president Millard Fillmore is haunting your coffee maker. Try very hard not to laugh at his name.
Leo: You will narrowly avoid a painful death at the hands of an angry houseguest due to a cellar door sticking at just the right moment. And it's probably a good idea to hide your staple gun if you have company coming.
Virgo: Avoid tomatoes, discussion of politics, and loud music. Be very careful of situations in which you may unexpectedly encounter all three at once.
Libra: This would be a good time to write something for an esteemed newspaper, as it will surely be accepted. But just in case things don't work out, carry a chainsaw.
Scorpio: If you meet a tall dark stranger, do not accept any candy he gives you. Also, you really should comb your hair. It looks like a rat's nest.
Sagittarius: You will experience a miraculous stroke of luck involving an aquarium, an old boot, and a set of salt-and-pepper shakers. Incendiary devices figure big in your future.
Capricorn: You will disregard the advice of astrologers and fall into a large vat of cheese sauce. But if you believe what your horoscope says, you will inadvertently walk off a cliff while trying to avoid large vats of cheese sauce.
Aquarius: Try to remain calm in difficult circumstances. Pay no attention whatsoever to the person standing behind you with an axe.
Pisces: You will probably have a boring horoscope because your sign is usually listed last in the Zodiac, and by the time astrologers get to the end they're out of good ideas. Sorry.
-Antenora.
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Obituary.[/u]
Michael [last name unknown], age 13, the administrator of popular Lemony Snicket fansite The Quiet World, was found dead yesterday after a lengthy period of absence.
Born in Australia, Michael grew up to become the administrator of a rival Snicket fansite to our own, a controversial move that earned him many enemies. He ran the site well for several months, but his administrative tenure was marred by reports of violence and numerous attempted coups. Despite this, Michael always believed that it was best to have faith in humanity, and he didn’t judge the many ignorant and disruptive members of his forum. However, it seems that this philosophy may have proved ultimately impractical.
For some time now, Michael had been missing. When worried investigators, who had received no reply to their inquiries, broke into his office, they found him lying on his desk, fatally stabbed sixty-seven times. He had clearly been dead for some time, and experts have now given an estimated time of death of early September – coinciding with a large riot by the n00bs at his forum, who were demanding extra rights.
Suspicion has fallen squarely on these n00bs for Michael’s death. Unfortunately, with no administrator to keep order, The Quiet World has been literally deafened by mass rioting and looting, with rival gangs of n00bs battling for control, and tracking down the suspected n00bs will be a difficult task in the current social climate. It seems that, in the end, the dangers of running The Quiet World caught up with Michael.
Michael has no known family on either The Quiet World or 667 Dark Avenue, and no funeral has been arranged. The burial is scheduled for Monday.
- ...
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Jemima’s Unadvice Column.
I need help comeing up with ideas for butts series I would like to make got any ideas?
Nina
Dear Nina,
Internet series stink. I don't think anyone really reads them. People just put them on the web because they are bored and the writers don't have an e-life. But if you really want to make an internet series, go for a girl who spends her time all day on the computer and what happens to her. That would be a good series. Or about a guy who spends his time all day on the computer and what happens to him. That'd be good too.
But I'm still reluctant about them internet series!
Sincerely,
Jemima
P.S. Really, Internet series stink.
-
This has to be anonymous (promise?) but I think my bff has a crush on me.
[Jemima's note: The writer wishes to be anonymous.]
Dear Anonymous:
Lucky you! You have a BFF that like likes you! You should be happy! Get him some flowers that are really ugly and shove them in his face. He'll love it! Then take him to a movie and totally ignore him. Chances are he'll like you even more!
So by this time he should like you to the max. Same with you. Start kissing him with your pet. This will definitely show your love for him. Does he like you better? You bet he does!
If none of this works, then you better start going steady for real. That'll make him back off.
Sincerely,
Jemima
Write your problems to Jemima!
And this week's Jemima's How To:[/b]
How to bathe a cat![/b] Note: Use these directions at your own risk. The 667er takes no responsibility for the results of these actions.
Step 1: Get a cat
Step 2: Get a bathtub, lake, river, etc.
Step 3: Get people shampoo, soap, razor, etc.
Step 4: Get a hairdryer
Step 5: Take the cat and put him/her in the bathtub, which you should have filled with water, or so you don't have to fill the tub with water, put him/her in the lake, river, etc.
Step 6: Start getting him really wet while holding his/hers paws
Step 7: Gradually start putting the shampoo on the cat and don't forget to rinse well!
Step 8: Put soap over the cat and, very, very, very, very carefully, start shaving him/her
Step 9: Once the cat is nice and clean, dry him/her off with a towel and a hairdryer
Step 10: Get some Neosporin and cover up your scratch wounds well. You'll feel better.
Step 11: Put a coat on the cat, well, because the poor thing will probably be so cold.
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Scotty.[/u]
Are The Books Honestly Going Downhill?
On 21 August, 2005, a new thread was born. It's creator was Brian, who posted
''I posted this recently on the IMDB message board for the ASOUE movie:I love the books, but it seems like the past three or four have gotten worse and worse. They've gone from darkly and deliciously funny all of the time to ridiculously silly half the time and ridiculously sappy the other half,''
and after reading it I have to say I agree with him. As pointed out by many people in the thread, he was more sinister in the first 8 or so books. I mean, where's the infant cage? The grisly murders of beloved guardians? I haven't seen this opinion expressed much in the newer pages of the thread, but I think that Handler's now more concerned about the fans who have started reading the books based on the movie. (Basically, he's been Carrey-ised.) This would sound logical, as lately Handler has turned Olaf into a complete doormat, with the re-introduction of Carmelita Spats in The Slippery Slope. He named his stolen submarine after her, for God's sake! True, this was because Esmé pressured him into it. I would have killed them both by now if I was Olaf.
And now we come to the worst part of all: his new laugh, as seen in Book The Eleventh. ''Ha ha ha heepa-heepo ho!'', ''Ha, if I do say so myself.'' Where, oh, where does Handler come up with these? Our collective cries can be heard the world over.'' Please, spare us! Don't carry his new laugh into Book The Twelfth!!''
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Dante's Note: The Editor-in-Chief couldn't post today's complete edition himself, due to connection problems.
img218.imageshack.us/img218/917/667erbanner5nc.png [/img]
Editor : Akbar/Le Grey.
Columnists: PJ, Ennui, George, Sixteen, Scotty and Jemima.
--------------------------------------------------
WTF?
A column with Dupin.
WTF?
‘The Nameless Novel’ Special
COUNTDOWN OF THE WEEK: 10 DAYS TO GO UNTIL BOOK THE TWELFTH IS RELEASED.
The most mysterious book of the series so far is going to be available for all us fans in just 10 days time. With just a few slices of the cover left for us to find, and just a few more days to tick by, it’s really starting to heat up.
BAUDELAIRE BUTCHERS: TRUE OR FALSE?
A shocking revelation on the official Lemony Snicket website has left fans confused and excited, as it declared that the Baudelaire’s may actually kill someone in the upcoming book. Other details released were about a sunbathing spy, a tense spa, and a restaurant, although they were molehills to mountains as everyone tried to make sense of what may really happen in Book The Twelfth. Many members believe that the Baudelaire’s actions may be a complete accident, and others believe that the Baudelaires responsible may not even be Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, but their mysterious parents.
In just ten days time the truth will be announced, but until then the theories can keep rolling in. The Baudelaires have been comparing themselves to Count Olaf and his troupe since ‘The Hostile Hospital’- will they finally commit a crime that will make them as bad as Olaf?
HAVE YOU GOT THE 667 FACTOR?
When the alphabet awards are out of the way, and when the hype of the new Lemony Snicket book has died down, I am planning to host the third series of ‘The 667 Factor 3’. The winners so far have been Hikori (667 Factor 1) and Ennui (667 Factor 2)-so do you think you could be the third winner?
The 667 Factor involves writing poems and songs, showing how versatile your writing is, and gaining the forum’s-and the judges-appreciation for your work. The three judges compete as well, each with three members representing them, so one contestant wins, and one judge wins. The board in which this new competition will be placed in has not been confirmed, but the plans so far are for Chaotic Creativity.
In this third 667 Factor, it will follow the footsteps of the actual television show-The X Factor. Depending on how many people sign up, auditions will take place. Everyone who auditions will be divided into three groups, and they are each assigned to a judge, who chooses just three from their group to represent them for the ‘live’ rounds, where the forum will be voting for who they want to get through.
I shall be one judge, and Ennui has the right to be a second judge if he so wishes. Watch this space for the new series in late October or early November…
THE ‘SUPPORT GROUP’ OF THE WEEK
Our editor and boss of ‘The 667er’, Akbar (or Le Grey) is fasting this month for the Muslim month Ramadan, so let’s all cheer him on! Visit the thread in Menacing Miscellaneous for more information.
Akbar’s Ramadan Thread
FOLLOW ON CAMPAIGN OF THE WEEK: WE WANT AIMEE BACK
A couple of weeks ago, I hit the streets to find out if the petition wanting Aimee-667 member Pucca-may return to 667 Dark Avenue someday. The answer was generally ‘no’, but I’ve decided to see the change of enthusiasm two weeks on. I managed to catch her sister Charlotte once again, and this was how our conversation went:
GEORGE: Have there been any changes in Aimee's enthusiasm about returning to 667 Dark Avenue?
CHARLOTTE: NOPE
GEORGE: Do you think there ever will be any changes in Aimee's enthusiasm about returning to 667 Dark Avenue?
CHARLOTTE: NOPE
I think I may have to desert this campaign.
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A MESS OF POTTAGE
Ennui returns from Crusade and attempts to set his realm in order...
The two weeks that have, alas, elapsed since my last contribution have been filled with furious activity, reminiscent of the buzzing of thousands of drones. The results? A lot of dead bumblebees and a crucial core of honeycomb. We shall begin with what I tend to regard as my primary fief, Fearsome Fiction. The limitations of solely Snicket material tend-I am not quite sure why-to stimulate quality rather than repress it, very possibly because Snicket is an excellent model for aspiring humorists and satirists.
By this same token, I have difficulty with pieces in Fearsome Fiction that ignore this crucial lighter vein of cruel mirth, which should remain entwined in these stories no matter how grim the subject matter. In short, a lot of new stories seem to take themselves too unremittedly seriously, and though the darkness is handled adequately, the reader longs for relief. In this category I include Hanna Squalor’s output. But I stress this is a personal blind spot, and should not be taken too seriously.
One recent story that keeps to the spirit of Mr Snicket and also chooses an original premise is jman’s The Snicket Snickersnee. There are hopeful signs of talent here, though the writer falls into two common traps of the apprentice fanfic author-he does not use paragraph indentation, which makes his story physically agony to read, and his chapters are more like “short chunks nailed in bits of free time”, without a sense of being part of a larger work’s structure.
By far the most exciting development in Fearsome Fiction is the return of a writer before whom I must pay homage as a mere aftercomer-that Queen of Queens Luna, menacingly surnamed “of the Dead”. She has offered her services as a drabbler-for the uninitiated, a writer of stories less than 100 words long. Particularly outstanding responses to commissions are her vignette of Count Olaf’s recruitment to VFD, and her satire aimed at the Dupin disguise.
We now progress to the unpredictable, unordered, overflowing cauldron of talent and otherwise that is Chaotic Creativity. Latterly, there has been a bit of a drought; hopes that our Editor’s story might be regularly and swiftly updated have gradually submerged. Much of the section’s finest products can hence be found on its second page, including Amber’s outstanding Seven Deadly Sins. Yes, I’m as biased as a drunken rattlesnake on this issue, but I care not a fig. It shines clearly as the best constructed story on Chaotic Creativity for some time. Besides, it’s written by far the most beautiful girl in 667 Dark Avenue...
Elsewhere, Celinra’s 667 Soap Opera is of historical interest as an example of the retro-667 fic. Perhaps this nostalgic style is on the verge of a comeback, though I am sceptical. And PJ’s Anthology has reached its conclusion with a tale of the Angel of Death, as pleasantly violent and bathetic as ever. Anything with a character called Cyril, Lord of Nothingness is going along the right lines.
As for Aggravating Art and Leering Literature-as it might be, the disputed Italy and Burgundy of my empire-from the former Antenora’s fiendishly disguised woman and J’s interesting Baudelaire sketches are my pick of the batch; in the latter. Leering Literature has lapsed into languidity, with a desultory debate about which series of books is “best” going on from time to time.
With Book the Twelfth drawing ever closer, I may soon be forced to suspend this column until I can thwart the arsonists and obtain a copy in Britain. But the moment I have consumed it, you can expect a faithful following of what is bound to be a whole range of gifts to Fearsome Fiction.
-------------------------------------------
PJ’s Rant.
Ok, this week I’ve come prepared. I’ve made a list of things I should rant about, and…I’m going to rant about them. First up.
So, last week I whined about how Rikku’s position hasn’t been filled. This week, it has. Snicketface is the new Greetings mod. That’s all well and good. She’ll be a capable mod, she posts a lot in GG; she’s not the problem. What IS the problem is that she became the mod without even knowing it. She only discovered it after I told her. I just find it hard to believe that Tragedy, who, without fail, does the whole Member of the Month thing (by the way, congrats, Linda) can’t even TELL people he’s making them the mod. He could have, at the very LEAST, made an auditioning thread, or something. You people might not even have noticed that Rikku has gone, you might not care in the slightest, but, yeah, it still pisses me off. Well, good luck Snicketface. I’m only writing this because I’m angry I didn’t get the position. Just as well. I never post in GG anyways.
Next up, the “What are you Reading” thread in LL. It just annoys me. I mean, sure, I’ve posted in it once or twice, but I just don’t see the point in it. I mean, you post the book you’re reading. The thing is, no-one seems to care. It’s just random, meaningless information. No-one bothers to read it, or comment, or anything. And if they DO, it’s just a “oh, I’ve read that”. I’m sorry if you like it, I just think it’s a stupid thread.
Another stupid thread, and this will probably offend a lot of people, is the Asoue-Coincidence Thread in SS. I mean, sure, if you see some old geezer burning down houses and kidnapping children, sure, you can tell us, and we can all wonder, but does everyone really have to tell everyone else that they’ve seen a crow fly past? I mean, come on! Half of the posts involve the word “crow”. Or sometimes “raven” because they are somewhat like crows, at least, they are the same colour. I just think it’s annoying when people post about how someone said something that was an alliteration, or they saw a mushroom, or they heard the word “volunteer”. So there.
Ah, yes, the Games section. I’ve already ranted about this, but a new game has sprung up that needs attention. The “First Annual ASoUE freaky hair contest!” game thread. *shudder*. In this game, you vote on which Asoue characters hair is the “freakiest”. Now, I’m lazy, so I’ll make this quick. Not only is a thread devoted to your opinion on fictional characters hair stupid, but the criteria is even stupider. I mean, honestly, how is Klaus’ hair freaky?
Last week I mentioned how Our Weary World still hasn’t got a mod, and how that’s stupid, but I never really noticed before any reason to have one. Now, I’m sure Corpse Bride is a cool movie and all (I’ve even tried to download it several times) but there really doesn’t have to be three threads on it. I suppose there are SOME distinctions between the threads, one being the anticipation of the film, another being just the film in general, and the third being about a members personal opinions on the film, but still, can’t we just have one thread? Just because there isn’t a moderator, doesn’t mean you have to make three of the same thread.
Last I come to the stickied threads in CC. I mean, those stories might be nice, but they are still two years old. Two years! I mean, they might be about the good ol’ days in 667, but honestly, when was the last time they were read? Who still reads them? As far as I can see, they are only taking up place and make the newer stories fade away quicker, and, if anything, those have more chance of being read than the 2 year old ones.
There you have it, yet another rant PJ has managed to squeeze out of 667. He’s running out of material, and fast, so you guys better do something really stupid that draws my attention, or I’ll have to move onto other matters. And I like whining and mocking people. So please, don’t create a hostile work environment, and do something idiotic. For me.
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Intriguing Information.[/u]
by Sixteen.
The biggest aSoUE news this week is of an official interview with Daniel Handler shedding some light on Book the Twelfth.
It presence was first noticed by chexfan2000, who made a thread in Gloom Looms. The interview was made by an imaginary company, BookBlast. It seems to reveal that Lemony Snicket has gone into hiding until an appearance he will be making via satellite in 20 American cities simultaneously. In the interview, Handler also tells us about some important components of the story, including the name of the person the Baudelaires killed! This is a shocking piece of information, but some members are sticking to the belief that it is the Baudelaire parents he is referring to. The interview ends in an obvious manner, "Also, this is not a book anyone would enjoy reading."
On the topic of NamelessNovel.com, uproar was caused by what was thought to be a leak of the title. Last Tuesday, in an ordinary clue, we were given a poster of Snicket holding a manuscript with The Horrid Hotel written at the top! Panic immediately arose. HarperCollins couldn't let it slip like that, could they? An immense wave of exclamation marks and capital letters conveyed the dissapointment that everyone was surely feeling. However, some of the more calm members pointed out that the Horrid Hotel was crossed out, that is is very unlikely that Handler would re-use a letter and that the unsavoury nature of that page (which mentioned a truckload of hookers) made it unlikely to be Book the Twelfth. The following day, a list of Lots from The Ersatz Elevator, including a red herring, seemed to confirm that we will have to wait for the title a little bit longer. A general sigh of relief was let out, though there are still those out there that are sticking by The Horrid Hotel by all means.
On Thursday and Friday, we got pieces of the cover. The first was of the red-hatted woman. She was wearing a red coat with a high, fur collar. She is thought to be Esmé, Colette the contortionist or just a new, random character. Behind her, though, is an interesting clue. It says "CONCIER-" on a plaque. It probably says "Concierge", meaning the cover is set in a lobby or foyer. Now, with the Nero-looalike's head fully uncovered, it is unlikely that he is Nero. He doesn't have pigtails and seems to be huched over. He could be Hugo the hunchback, but it's not very clear. Saturday's clue was a quote from franz Kafka, showing that he wrote in similar conditions to Snicket.
With just over a week to go until Book the Twelfth is released, we don't apppear able to remain calm. People are getting as skittish as Hector and making accidental grammatical errors that would drive Josephine to (further) insanity. But for now we wait and hope that The Nameless Novel isn't The Horrid Hotel!
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Aries: They say that found pennies come from heaven. Beware of falling pennies.
Taurus: Somebody whom you probably offended with a careless remark will do something kind for you. Be sure to repay them somehow. They accept all major credit cards.
Gemini: Treat any mysterious hooded figures you encounter with great respect. It might also be a good idea to give them money, especially if they're carrying croquet mallets.
Cancer: The ghost of president Millard Fillmore is haunting your coffee maker. Try very hard not to laugh at his name.
Leo: You will narrowly avoid a painful death at the hands of an angry houseguest due to a cellar door sticking at just the right moment. And it's probably a good idea to hide your staple gun if you have company coming.
Virgo: Avoid tomatoes, discussion of politics, and loud music. Be very careful of situations in which you may unexpectedly encounter all three at once.
Libra: This would be a good time to write something for an esteemed newspaper, as it will surely be accepted. But just in case things don't work out, carry a chainsaw.
Scorpio: If you meet a tall dark stranger, do not accept any candy he gives you. Also, you really should comb your hair. It looks like a rat's nest.
Sagittarius: You will experience a miraculous stroke of luck involving an aquarium, an old boot, and a set of salt-and-pepper shakers. Incendiary devices figure big in your future.
Capricorn: You will disregard the advice of astrologers and fall into a large vat of cheese sauce. But if you believe what your horoscope says, you will inadvertently walk off a cliff while trying to avoid large vats of cheese sauce.
Aquarius: Try to remain calm in difficult circumstances. Pay no attention whatsoever to the person standing behind you with an axe.
Pisces: You will probably have a boring horoscope because your sign is usually listed last in the Zodiac, and by the time astrologers get to the end they're out of good ideas. Sorry.
-Antenora.
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Obituary.[/u]
Michael [last name unknown], age 13, the administrator of popular Lemony Snicket fansite The Quiet World, was found dead yesterday after a lengthy period of absence.
Born in Australia, Michael grew up to become the administrator of a rival Snicket fansite to our own, a controversial move that earned him many enemies. He ran the site well for several months, but his administrative tenure was marred by reports of violence and numerous attempted coups. Despite this, Michael always believed that it was best to have faith in humanity, and he didn’t judge the many ignorant and disruptive members of his forum. However, it seems that this philosophy may have proved ultimately impractical.
For some time now, Michael had been missing. When worried investigators, who had received no reply to their inquiries, broke into his office, they found him lying on his desk, fatally stabbed sixty-seven times. He had clearly been dead for some time, and experts have now given an estimated time of death of early September – coinciding with a large riot by the n00bs at his forum, who were demanding extra rights.
Suspicion has fallen squarely on these n00bs for Michael’s death. Unfortunately, with no administrator to keep order, The Quiet World has been literally deafened by mass rioting and looting, with rival gangs of n00bs battling for control, and tracking down the suspected n00bs will be a difficult task in the current social climate. It seems that, in the end, the dangers of running The Quiet World caught up with Michael.
Michael has no known family on either The Quiet World or 667 Dark Avenue, and no funeral has been arranged. The burial is scheduled for Monday.
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Jemima’s Unadvice Column.
I need help comeing up with ideas for butts series I would like to make got any ideas?
Nina
Dear Nina,
Internet series stink. I don't think anyone really reads them. People just put them on the web because they are bored and the writers don't have an e-life. But if you really want to make an internet series, go for a girl who spends her time all day on the computer and what happens to her. That would be a good series. Or about a guy who spends his time all day on the computer and what happens to him. That'd be good too.
But I'm still reluctant about them internet series!
Sincerely,
Jemima
P.S. Really, Internet series stink.
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This has to be anonymous (promise?) but I think my bff has a crush on me.
[Jemima's note: The writer wishes to be anonymous.]
Dear Anonymous:
Lucky you! You have a BFF that like likes you! You should be happy! Get him some flowers that are really ugly and shove them in his face. He'll love it! Then take him to a movie and totally ignore him. Chances are he'll like you even more!
So by this time he should like you to the max. Same with you. Start kissing him with your pet. This will definitely show your love for him. Does he like you better? You bet he does!
If none of this works, then you better start going steady for real. That'll make him back off.
Sincerely,
Jemima
Write your problems to Jemima!
And this week's Jemima's How To:[/b]
How to bathe a cat![/b] Note: Use these directions at your own risk. The 667er takes no responsibility for the results of these actions.
Step 1: Get a cat
Step 2: Get a bathtub, lake, river, etc.
Step 3: Get people shampoo, soap, razor, etc.
Step 4: Get a hairdryer
Step 5: Take the cat and put him/her in the bathtub, which you should have filled with water, or so you don't have to fill the tub with water, put him/her in the lake, river, etc.
Step 6: Start getting him really wet while holding his/hers paws
Step 7: Gradually start putting the shampoo on the cat and don't forget to rinse well!
Step 8: Put soap over the cat and, very, very, very, very carefully, start shaving him/her
Step 9: Once the cat is nice and clean, dry him/her off with a towel and a hairdryer
Step 10: Get some Neosporin and cover up your scratch wounds well. You'll feel better.
Step 11: Put a coat on the cat, well, because the poor thing will probably be so cold.
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Scotty.[/u]
Are The Books Honestly Going Downhill?
On 21 August, 2005, a new thread was born. It's creator was Brian, who posted
''I posted this recently on the IMDB message board for the ASOUE movie:I love the books, but it seems like the past three or four have gotten worse and worse. They've gone from darkly and deliciously funny all of the time to ridiculously silly half the time and ridiculously sappy the other half,''
and after reading it I have to say I agree with him. As pointed out by many people in the thread, he was more sinister in the first 8 or so books. I mean, where's the infant cage? The grisly murders of beloved guardians? I haven't seen this opinion expressed much in the newer pages of the thread, but I think that Handler's now more concerned about the fans who have started reading the books based on the movie. (Basically, he's been Carrey-ised.) This would sound logical, as lately Handler has turned Olaf into a complete doormat, with the re-introduction of Carmelita Spats in The Slippery Slope. He named his stolen submarine after her, for God's sake! True, this was because Esmé pressured him into it. I would have killed them both by now if I was Olaf.
And now we come to the worst part of all: his new laugh, as seen in Book The Eleventh. ''Ha ha ha heepa-heepo ho!'', ''Ha, if I do say so myself.'' Where, oh, where does Handler come up with these? Our collective cries can be heard the world over.'' Please, spare us! Don't carry his new laugh into Book The Twelfth!!''
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Dante's Note: The Editor-in-Chief couldn't post today's complete edition himself, due to connection problems.