Post by Hermes on Nov 7, 2009 14:11:30 GMT -5
To celebrate my 667versary, here is the first episode of something I have been working on. I'm not sure when the rest will appear. This story is the result of thoughts I had during the reread, and bits of it may be inspired by my fellow re-readers, especially Dante and cwm.
Characters and settings in this story were created by Lemony Snicket aka Daniel Handler, to whom all rights in them belong.
Suitable for all ages. No pairings in foreground; only canon pairings in background.
Chapter 1: The Beneficent Banker.
‘Oh dear,’ said Isadora Quagmire ‘look who’s coming this way.’
Her brother looked up to see a rude, violent and filthy girl walking towards them across the cafeteria of Prufrock Preparatory School. He hoped she might be looking for someone else, but it was not to be; she halted right in front of them.
‘Hello, cakesniffers,’ she said.
‘Hello, Carmelita.’ Duncan replied. ‘What can we do for you?’
‘I have a special message from Vice-Principal Nero,’ said Carmelita. ‘You are to report to his office immediately. Immediately means right now, just in case you don’t know that.’
‘Thank you, Carmelita,’ said Isadora wearily. ‘We do know, as a matter of fact. We’ll go straight away.’
‘Wait a moment,’ said Carmelita as they got up to leave. ‘It’s traditional to give a Special Messenger a tip when she’s delivered her message’.
‘We don’t have any money with us, Carmelita,’ said Duncan ‘but we’ll write to Ms Love about it.’
Ms Love, of In Investments, was their financial adviser, and since the death of their parents and their triplet brother, Quigley, in the fire which destroyed their house, had been responsible for their welfare. Unfortunately she did not seem to care very much about them; she had packed them off, as soon as possible, to Prufrock Prep, where they had now been for three semesters. Today was the first day of their fourth semester; they had hoped that things might change for the better, but so far there was no sign of it.
Ms Love was allegedly trying to find a guardian for them, but had apparently had no success; as a result, they had to stay at the school even in vacations. What is more, because they had no guardian to sign the permission slip for them to move into the dormitory, they lived in a cold, damp shack infested with fungus and crabs. This gave Carmelita more reasons to mock them (though in fact she was perfectly capable of mocking people without a reason), and quite frequently she would greet them with cries of ‘Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans’ Shack!’
Duncan and Isadora crossed the front lawn, reflecting on the fact that, since they were going into the Administration Building, they would not have any silverware at dinner that evening. Entering the building, they climbed to the ninth floor, where Miss Stickleback, the very old lady who was Vice-Principal Nero’s secretary, admitted them to his office. Students were fond of Miss Stickleback, who was always glad to see them and anxious to help; but she was very small and timid, and too frightened of the Vice-Principal to be of much use. In any case, it was rumoured that she was retiring soon.
‘Do come in,’ she said very quietly as Duncan and Isadora entered. ‘Vice-Principal, the Quagmire triplets are here.’
The Vice-Principal was sitting behind his desk; next to him sat someone the Quagmires did not know, an elderly man in a frock coat, holding a top hat.
‘You sent for us,’ said Isadora.
‘You sent for us,’ the Vice-Principal replied. ‘Indeed I did. Children, this is Mr Pym. Mr Pym, these are the Quagmire twins.’
‘Wouldn’t the children – ah – like to sit down?’ asked Mr Pym.
‘Oh,’ said the Vice-Principal, somewhat surprised. ‘Do you really think they have to? Well, all right, then. Miss Stickleback, please get some seats for the twins.’
Miss Stickleback left the room, returning a moment later with two very low stools, which she gave with a whispered apology to the Quagmires. They sat down carefully.
‘By the way,’ said Mr Pym, ‘according to my papers they are – ah – triplets, not twins. Triplets, not twins.’
‘Twins, triplets, what’s the difference?’ said the Vice-Principal. ‘Now, children, Mr Pym is Vice-President in Charge of Orphan Affairs at Mulctuary Money Management. That means he’s your new financial adviser’.
Duncan and Isadora looked at one another in puzzlement. After a moment Duncan spoke up.
‘I thought our financial adviser was Ms Love at In Investments.’
‘That’ said Mr Pym ‘was the case. That was the case. Though she is not called Ms Love any more; she – ah – recently got married. But that’s by the by. That’s by the by. You see, it was decided a couple of weeks ago that – ah – orphans are no longer in. So In Investments has handed their orphan portfolio – ah – over to us. As a result, I am now your financial adviser. I am your financial adviser.’
‘Well,’ said Isadora, ‘thank you for coming to tell us.’ She was a bit puzzled that Mr Pym had come all this way just to tell them; could he not have sent a letter?
‘I’m afraid,’ said Mr Pym ‘that that is not – ah – the only reason I have come here. When I was examining your papers I discovered – ah – a couple of things. A couple of things. One is – ah – good news, but the other is – ah – bad news.’
‘We’ll have the bad news first, please.’ said Isadora firmly.
‘Well,’ Mr Pym replied, ‘it appears that some of your investments have gone astray. Ms. Love seems to have – ah – mislaid them.’
‘What?’ Duncan exclaimed in a shocked tone. ‘Does that mean we don’t have a fortune any more?’
‘No, no.’ Mr Pym was swift to reassure him. ‘The greater part of your fortune – ah – consists of the Quagmire sapphires, and they are safe – ah – in the national vaults. Ms. Love could not touch them there. She could not touch them there. But some of your monetary investments have – ah – disappeared. We are of course endeavouring to find them. We are endeavouring to find them.’
‘But’ said Isadora anxiously ‘how are we to live? Will we have to sell the sapphires off one by one?’
‘No, no. You still have – ah – some monetary investments left. And if those should prove insufficient, the bank will – ah – lend you money against the sapphires, at a very reasonable rate of interest. A very reasonable rate of interest. And in any case, by the time you come of age, I am sure – ah – that we will have recovered your lost funds.’
The Quagmires were not entirely satisfied with this news, and sat in silence for a few moments. Then Duncan spoke up again.
‘You said that you also had some good news.’
‘Ah – yes. A few months ago a distant relative of yours wrote to Ms Love offering to become – ah – your guardian.’
‘What?’ said both Quagmires at once.
‘Yes – to become your guardian. But for some reason Ms Love did not respond. However, I have – ah – contacted this gentleman, and he is still willing to take up the responsibility. So, if you have no objections, I will go ahead with the arrangement. I will go ahead with it.’
The Quagmires looked at him in surprise. ‘Who is he?’ asked Duncan.
‘Where does he live? What does he do?’ asked Isadora.
‘I’m afraid I cannot tell you – ah – very much about him. He is, as I said, a distant relative of yours. He belongs to a respectable – ah – family of businesspeople in the City. His parents had dealings with my bank many years ago. Many years ago. He himself is – ah – engaged on secret work, and so cannot reveal himself at this time.’
‘So we won’t be going to live with him?’ asked Duncan.
‘I’m afraid not. I’m afraid not. You will have to stay at Prufrock Prep – ah – for the time being.’
‘But will we at least be able to move into the dormitory?’ Isadora inquired.
‘The dormitory?’ said Mr Pym, with an air of puzzlement.
‘Oh,’ said Vice-Principal Nero quickly ‘students need a permission slip signed by a parent or guardian before they are allowed to live in the dormitory. It’s a mere formality.’
‘Then where – ah – have the triplets been living until now?’
‘That’s not important,’ said Nero. ‘I’m sure you can arrange for their guardian to sign a slip.’
‘I certainly can. I certainly can. I will do it – ah – as soon as I return to the city. Now, children, do you have any questions about Mr – that is, about your guardian?’
‘Well,’ said Duncan rather uncertainly, ‘I’m not sure what to say, seeing I know so little about him’.
‘I’m not sure what to say, seeing I know so little about him,’ Vice-Principal Nero interjected. ‘Don’t be silly. You heard what Mr Pym said; he’s a distant relation of yours, he lives in the city and he’s a businessman. What more could you want to know?’
‘Lots of things.’ said Isadora, ‘I’ve heard stories about children who had cruel guardians who stole their fortunes.’
‘I’ve heard stories about children who had cruel guardians who stole their fortunes. Well, you won’t be living with your guardian, so he can’t be cruel to you. And he won’t be able to get his hands on your fortune, will he, Mr Pym?’
‘Oh, no, no, definitely not,’ said Mr Pym. ‘The bank will keep hold of the fortune – ah – until the children come of age. Until they come of age. Their guardian will get no part of it.’
‘Well, then, I think that completes our business,’ said the Vice-Principal. ‘Twins, you have missed ten minutes of class. You will be punished by having your hands tied behind your back at dinner this evening. I suggest you go now. Mr Pym, if you stay here tonight, I will be giving a little violin recital in the auditorium. Perhaps you would like to come to that.’
As Miss Stickleback ushered Duncan and Isadora from the office, they heard Mr Pym explaining that he had – ah – an important meeting that evening, so had to leave immediately.
As the triplets walked to the classroom building, they were silent for a while. Finally Duncan spoke up.
‘Do you think things will get better now?’
‘It’s hard to say.’ said Isadora ‘I wonder who our guardian is. And whether we will ever get to see him. But at least we can move out of that horrible shack. I think this deserves a poem.’
She paused for a moment, then said:
‘Our cold damp shack is a thing of the past;
It is good to have a guardian at last.’
Characters and settings in this story were created by Lemony Snicket aka Daniel Handler, to whom all rights in them belong.
Suitable for all ages. No pairings in foreground; only canon pairings in background.
Chapter 1: The Beneficent Banker.
‘Oh dear,’ said Isadora Quagmire ‘look who’s coming this way.’
Her brother looked up to see a rude, violent and filthy girl walking towards them across the cafeteria of Prufrock Preparatory School. He hoped she might be looking for someone else, but it was not to be; she halted right in front of them.
‘Hello, cakesniffers,’ she said.
‘Hello, Carmelita.’ Duncan replied. ‘What can we do for you?’
‘I have a special message from Vice-Principal Nero,’ said Carmelita. ‘You are to report to his office immediately. Immediately means right now, just in case you don’t know that.’
‘Thank you, Carmelita,’ said Isadora wearily. ‘We do know, as a matter of fact. We’ll go straight away.’
‘Wait a moment,’ said Carmelita as they got up to leave. ‘It’s traditional to give a Special Messenger a tip when she’s delivered her message’.
‘We don’t have any money with us, Carmelita,’ said Duncan ‘but we’ll write to Ms Love about it.’
Ms Love, of In Investments, was their financial adviser, and since the death of their parents and their triplet brother, Quigley, in the fire which destroyed their house, had been responsible for their welfare. Unfortunately she did not seem to care very much about them; she had packed them off, as soon as possible, to Prufrock Prep, where they had now been for three semesters. Today was the first day of their fourth semester; they had hoped that things might change for the better, but so far there was no sign of it.
Ms Love was allegedly trying to find a guardian for them, but had apparently had no success; as a result, they had to stay at the school even in vacations. What is more, because they had no guardian to sign the permission slip for them to move into the dormitory, they lived in a cold, damp shack infested with fungus and crabs. This gave Carmelita more reasons to mock them (though in fact she was perfectly capable of mocking people without a reason), and quite frequently she would greet them with cries of ‘Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans’ Shack!’
Duncan and Isadora crossed the front lawn, reflecting on the fact that, since they were going into the Administration Building, they would not have any silverware at dinner that evening. Entering the building, they climbed to the ninth floor, where Miss Stickleback, the very old lady who was Vice-Principal Nero’s secretary, admitted them to his office. Students were fond of Miss Stickleback, who was always glad to see them and anxious to help; but she was very small and timid, and too frightened of the Vice-Principal to be of much use. In any case, it was rumoured that she was retiring soon.
‘Do come in,’ she said very quietly as Duncan and Isadora entered. ‘Vice-Principal, the Quagmire triplets are here.’
The Vice-Principal was sitting behind his desk; next to him sat someone the Quagmires did not know, an elderly man in a frock coat, holding a top hat.
‘You sent for us,’ said Isadora.
‘You sent for us,’ the Vice-Principal replied. ‘Indeed I did. Children, this is Mr Pym. Mr Pym, these are the Quagmire twins.’
‘Wouldn’t the children – ah – like to sit down?’ asked Mr Pym.
‘Oh,’ said the Vice-Principal, somewhat surprised. ‘Do you really think they have to? Well, all right, then. Miss Stickleback, please get some seats for the twins.’
Miss Stickleback left the room, returning a moment later with two very low stools, which she gave with a whispered apology to the Quagmires. They sat down carefully.
‘By the way,’ said Mr Pym, ‘according to my papers they are – ah – triplets, not twins. Triplets, not twins.’
‘Twins, triplets, what’s the difference?’ said the Vice-Principal. ‘Now, children, Mr Pym is Vice-President in Charge of Orphan Affairs at Mulctuary Money Management. That means he’s your new financial adviser’.
Duncan and Isadora looked at one another in puzzlement. After a moment Duncan spoke up.
‘I thought our financial adviser was Ms Love at In Investments.’
‘That’ said Mr Pym ‘was the case. That was the case. Though she is not called Ms Love any more; she – ah – recently got married. But that’s by the by. That’s by the by. You see, it was decided a couple of weeks ago that – ah – orphans are no longer in. So In Investments has handed their orphan portfolio – ah – over to us. As a result, I am now your financial adviser. I am your financial adviser.’
‘Well,’ said Isadora, ‘thank you for coming to tell us.’ She was a bit puzzled that Mr Pym had come all this way just to tell them; could he not have sent a letter?
‘I’m afraid,’ said Mr Pym ‘that that is not – ah – the only reason I have come here. When I was examining your papers I discovered – ah – a couple of things. A couple of things. One is – ah – good news, but the other is – ah – bad news.’
‘We’ll have the bad news first, please.’ said Isadora firmly.
‘Well,’ Mr Pym replied, ‘it appears that some of your investments have gone astray. Ms. Love seems to have – ah – mislaid them.’
‘What?’ Duncan exclaimed in a shocked tone. ‘Does that mean we don’t have a fortune any more?’
‘No, no.’ Mr Pym was swift to reassure him. ‘The greater part of your fortune – ah – consists of the Quagmire sapphires, and they are safe – ah – in the national vaults. Ms. Love could not touch them there. She could not touch them there. But some of your monetary investments have – ah – disappeared. We are of course endeavouring to find them. We are endeavouring to find them.’
‘But’ said Isadora anxiously ‘how are we to live? Will we have to sell the sapphires off one by one?’
‘No, no. You still have – ah – some monetary investments left. And if those should prove insufficient, the bank will – ah – lend you money against the sapphires, at a very reasonable rate of interest. A very reasonable rate of interest. And in any case, by the time you come of age, I am sure – ah – that we will have recovered your lost funds.’
The Quagmires were not entirely satisfied with this news, and sat in silence for a few moments. Then Duncan spoke up again.
‘You said that you also had some good news.’
‘Ah – yes. A few months ago a distant relative of yours wrote to Ms Love offering to become – ah – your guardian.’
‘What?’ said both Quagmires at once.
‘Yes – to become your guardian. But for some reason Ms Love did not respond. However, I have – ah – contacted this gentleman, and he is still willing to take up the responsibility. So, if you have no objections, I will go ahead with the arrangement. I will go ahead with it.’
The Quagmires looked at him in surprise. ‘Who is he?’ asked Duncan.
‘Where does he live? What does he do?’ asked Isadora.
‘I’m afraid I cannot tell you – ah – very much about him. He is, as I said, a distant relative of yours. He belongs to a respectable – ah – family of businesspeople in the City. His parents had dealings with my bank many years ago. Many years ago. He himself is – ah – engaged on secret work, and so cannot reveal himself at this time.’
‘So we won’t be going to live with him?’ asked Duncan.
‘I’m afraid not. I’m afraid not. You will have to stay at Prufrock Prep – ah – for the time being.’
‘But will we at least be able to move into the dormitory?’ Isadora inquired.
‘The dormitory?’ said Mr Pym, with an air of puzzlement.
‘Oh,’ said Vice-Principal Nero quickly ‘students need a permission slip signed by a parent or guardian before they are allowed to live in the dormitory. It’s a mere formality.’
‘Then where – ah – have the triplets been living until now?’
‘That’s not important,’ said Nero. ‘I’m sure you can arrange for their guardian to sign a slip.’
‘I certainly can. I certainly can. I will do it – ah – as soon as I return to the city. Now, children, do you have any questions about Mr – that is, about your guardian?’
‘Well,’ said Duncan rather uncertainly, ‘I’m not sure what to say, seeing I know so little about him’.
‘I’m not sure what to say, seeing I know so little about him,’ Vice-Principal Nero interjected. ‘Don’t be silly. You heard what Mr Pym said; he’s a distant relation of yours, he lives in the city and he’s a businessman. What more could you want to know?’
‘Lots of things.’ said Isadora, ‘I’ve heard stories about children who had cruel guardians who stole their fortunes.’
‘I’ve heard stories about children who had cruel guardians who stole their fortunes. Well, you won’t be living with your guardian, so he can’t be cruel to you. And he won’t be able to get his hands on your fortune, will he, Mr Pym?’
‘Oh, no, no, definitely not,’ said Mr Pym. ‘The bank will keep hold of the fortune – ah – until the children come of age. Until they come of age. Their guardian will get no part of it.’
‘Well, then, I think that completes our business,’ said the Vice-Principal. ‘Twins, you have missed ten minutes of class. You will be punished by having your hands tied behind your back at dinner this evening. I suggest you go now. Mr Pym, if you stay here tonight, I will be giving a little violin recital in the auditorium. Perhaps you would like to come to that.’
As Miss Stickleback ushered Duncan and Isadora from the office, they heard Mr Pym explaining that he had – ah – an important meeting that evening, so had to leave immediately.
As the triplets walked to the classroom building, they were silent for a while. Finally Duncan spoke up.
‘Do you think things will get better now?’
‘It’s hard to say.’ said Isadora ‘I wonder who our guardian is. And whether we will ever get to see him. But at least we can move out of that horrible shack. I think this deserves a poem.’
She paused for a moment, then said:
‘Our cold damp shack is a thing of the past;
It is good to have a guardian at last.’