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Post by Fancy on Nov 16, 2009 19:39:23 GMT -5
You rock.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2009 14:01:11 GMT -5
Chapter 11 - The Terrible Telegrams.
Volt was frozen in a block of ice as he floated down the river. He knew the end was near, and his life started flashing before his eyes. The word flashing reminded him of boobs, so then he thought of them for a while, but was soon back to remembering his life. All of the tragedy that surrounded him came flooding back. The faces of the people he had wronged flashed in front of him. He started to weep. Strangely enough, Volt had a condition that caused him to pee whenever he cried. He peed and cried and peed and cried, and the ice block started to melt. He got happy that he was getting out of his ice block and stopped crying. Unfortunately, this meant the ice block was no longer melting so he got sad and started crying/peeing again. He was completely out of the ice block, and fell backwards onto a piece of wood that was floating down the river. It wasn’t until he turned around that he noticed Quigley Quagmire was with him.
Quigley and Volt looked at each other. They were floating furiously down a freezing raging river, cold and hungry. Quigley said “Ok, I’ll use my knowledge of maps to try and help us get out of this tricky situation. What’s your single token skill that you can use?” Volt tried to think of any skills that he had, then started crying/peeing again. “Don’t cry.” Quigley said warmly. “Here, I’ve got some jerky. Have some.” Volt looked lustfully at the bag of jerky that Quigley had luckily found floating down the river. He stared and stared, then grabbed the entire bag, and gobbled it down. “How dare you, I was hungry too!” yelled Quigley. Quigley started punching Volt, who started crying/peeing again. All of a sudden, Volt remembered that he could fly, so he flew above the raft to escape. “I’ll get my revenge for this, you dirty J.S.” said Quigley, a phrase which here means “I’ll get my revenge, you dirty jerky stealer.” Then a telegraph machine randomly floated up to his raft, so Quigley began to send telegrams, planning his ultimate revenge.
Volt keeps flying, not knowing where to go, when he sees two men in the middle of the ocean in wetsuits. Volt’s electric powers mixed with the power of the jerky he had just eaten gave him x-ray vision, and he noticed that one of the men was his former employee Phil. He also noticed that the other was his former college roommate, Widdershins. The two waved to get Volt’s attention to rescue them. Unfortunately, Volt thought they were just waving to be friendly, so he waved back. They waved more furiously, so he waved back more furiously. They waved as hard and violently as they could. Volt waved back, but accidentally sent bursts of electricity towards them both, killing them instantly. He flew away crying/peeing, and ended up on Briny Beach. He sat on the shore, when he saw a telegram machine. Suddenly, it got a message which coincidentally was for him. “Dear J.S. I am so angry that you stole all my jerky and left me to die, that in my last acts I am going to frame you for murdering the Baudelaire orphans. I’m sending telegrams all over in your name, including pervy ones to every female in the city so they’ll never want to date you. I also sent one to Mr. Poe telling him to pick up the Baudelaires. He will inevitably give them back to Count Olaf, and it will be on your conscious. Screw you, J.S. It’s a shame I don’t know your real name, so nobody will actually know it’s you. Maybe this isn’t such a genius plan after all. Oh no, I’m drowning. Maps!” Volt sat and cried/peed, then got up and walked into town, looking for booze.
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Post by Emma “Emmz” Squalor on Dec 5, 2009 20:55:31 GMT -5
Oh, my God. Funniest. Chapter. EVER. ;D ;D ;D ;D Brilliant use of the J.S. initials here. Quigley's revenge plot against Volt was quite mean, but it's understandable considering Volt ate all of the jerky. The part where he thought Phil and Captain Widdershins' reason for waving was to be friendly was the icing on the cake.  |
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Post by Hermes on Dec 6, 2009 10:27:28 GMT -5
Wot, only one comment? This must be set to rights. The word flashing reminded him of boobs, so then he thought of them for a while, but was soon back to remembering his life. Ha! So that's who J.S. is! Of course. So that explains what happened to Phil. No doubt he would be pleased that his death was relatively quick. As for Widdershins, though, one wonders how Kit managed to meet him later. I guess he made a miraculous recovery. That really made me laugh. Violet/Quigley shippers won't be happy, I dare say. |
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Post by Shelly on Dec 7, 2009 1:39:56 GMT -5
Classic. The jerky was great too.
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Post by Fancy on Dec 8, 2009 0:12:51 GMT -5
Awxm.
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Post by Hermedy on Dec 8, 2009 5:42:48 GMT -5
Great chapter.
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Post by Michelle Denouement on Dec 8, 2009 6:50:20 GMT -5
I LOVE your story!
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Post by katekor on Dec 8, 2009 12:30:42 GMT -5
Love love LOVE! I think my favorite part of the last few chapters was when the lion woke up and was friendly! Brilliant! Oh and the part where they were waving furiously!!!
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Post by Hermedy on Dec 8, 2009 16:54:49 GMT -5
Love love LOVE! I think my favorite part of the last few chapters was when the lion woke up and was friendly! Brilliant! Oh and the part where they were waving furiously!!! About time. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2009 22:31:22 GMT -5
"Oh no, I'm drowning. Maps!"
lololol
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Post by katekor on Dec 10, 2009 11:28:47 GMT -5
Love love LOVE! I think my favorite part of the last few chapters was when the lion woke up and was friendly! Brilliant! Oh and the part where they were waving furiously!!! About time. About time what? I believe last time I talked to you, you said something about how you didn't want me to be on 667 or something. |
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Post by katekor on Jan 4, 2010 22:29:17 GMT -5
Got anything cooking about Volt willis?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2010 12:00:00 GMT -5
Chapter 12 - The Treacherous Trunk
Kit Snicket had just found out she was pregnant. She went through her house, finding all the alcohol, and stuck it into the trunk of her car, because for some reason that was easier than just throwing it all away. Meanwhile, Volt Baudelaire’s super enhanced alcohol smelling powers went off as soon as she put the last bottle of vodka in, and he flew as fast as he could to her car. He climbed into the trunked and curled up with the beer cans like a child with a teddy bear. He didn’t even notice Kit close the trunk, drive to Briny beach to pick up the Baudelaires, and then drive to the Hotel Denouement. He spent the entire time fondling different types of alcohol, occasionally taking a sip but mostly just enjoying being around such an array of booze. He didn’t even notice how much time passed until the trunk opened hours later. He looked at Captain Widdershins, who had just talked to Kit and was going to grab himself a beer after miraculously surviving nearly drowning and being electrocuted earlier that day. By this point Volt was feeling territorial about the alcohol, having already peed on it, and so he zapped Widdershins when he attempted to grab a beer. Widdershins fell to the ground dead. Volt felt a little guilt, but couldn’t overcome his primal instincts to protect his beer. He got out of the trunk, then looked up at the giant hotel. He smelled cocktails coming from the roof, so he entered the hotel confidently.
The hotel was completely booked, so Volt stole the ID of the person behind him in line. He looked at the ID, then said “Yes, my name is Masterklaus247, I have a reservation.” They gave him a room, while the real Masterklaus247 was rejected moments later. He sadly left the hotel, but he was still a handsome devil. Volt quickly went to the roof and ruined the cocktail party, then walked around the hotel a bit. He saw his friend Charles from his old mill job, then instantly took up smoking again as they hung out for a little while in the sauna. He went to bed as happy as he had been in years. He didn’t think about his nieces and nephew once, and was excited to start a new guilt free life. He woke up the next day, went to the lobby and saw his nieces and nephew on trial for a murder he had committed, then became more overwhelmed with guilt than ever before. As the evidence against the children piled up, he got more and more determined to do something. Right then, Count Olaf took the harpoon gun and gave it to the orphans. Volt decided to finally save the day, so he shot a burst of electricity as the harpoon gun to knock it away from his family and keep them safe. Unfortunately, he caused it to go off, and it shot Dewey Denouement. Volt never felt worse in his life, so he ran to the taxi in the parking lot, opened the trunk, and drank every drop of alcohol in it. He had never gotten so drunk in his entire life. He took out a cigarette and started smoking.
After relaxing a little bit but still at an obscene level of drunkness, he noticed Violet, Klaus and Sunny approaching. He panicked, and tried to mysteriously hide his face. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he said “Do you three need a taxi.” He got so nervous that he started slurring out some random stuff about going places and American novelists without understanding at all what he was saying. Klaus mentioned money, but then Volt brilliantly had an idea that he could get them out of there, Unfortunately, he forgot who they were temporarily, only that it was important to get them out of there. "You needn't worry about money, not if you're who I think you are. Are you? Are you who I think you are?" Mr. Poe came and intercepted the children then, and Volt nervously got back into the cab before he could be recognized, and he drove away. Don’t worry, his powers cause him to sober up very quickly so he wasn’t driving drunk. He was hungry however, so he looked in the seat next to him and saw a bowl of sugar. He ate it all straight. It tasted very sweet and secretive.
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Post by Fancy on Jan 5, 2010 12:06:09 GMT -5
Beautiful.
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