Birthday Submissions - FINISHED

[Hermes]

Jan 23, 2012 16:02:54 GMT -5 @csc said:

Great story, Hermes! It was rather amusing.

Thanks F.D! I found it very hard to squash just what is so annoying about people who tell you your shoelace is undone into forty-two words, but I guess I managed it.

[Dante]

Hermes, nice story; it has a sort of weary sense of inevitability about it. Bryan, the shock ending of your story makes it a shoo-in; I was gobsmacked.

Here's the latest exciting repost of the master post, which I like to have near the top of each page. All the story slots are in; watch out for the ordered version later.

The stories we have are:
---
Sarah from Alaska was reconsidering her political career. It wasn't like being a sports commentator, where you could just talk about the action from a distance away. Although people did seem to like her speeches... but they laughed in the wrong places. (Dante)

You may think squirrels look harmless. But ask little Jimmy Lackpaw why he can't play the piano anymore, and he'll tell you a story which'll change your mind. Would you like to hear that story? You can't, since I'm out of words. (Dante)

Birthdays frequently feature surprises. But not all surprises are pleasant. For example, you may receive an ugly sweater instead of the new electronic device you wanted. Or you may light the candles on your cake, only to hear a strange ticking sound… (Antenora)

The old woman slammed down the phone, panting at the memory of the bright, cheery voice. Hurriedly she dialed the number to contact the police. But it was too late. A “FOR SALE” sign was already being nailed into her front lawn. (Sherry Ann)

"Attention passengers: please fasten your seat belts. We are departing the airport now." I pulled out my PDA. WELCOME. I scrolled through some files. FLIGHT CHECKLIST. I checked: Flashlight? Check. Laptop? Check. Camera? Check. Walkie-talkies? Check. LOW BATTERY. What? Oh. Oh, no.(Sherry Ann)

Little Lizzie was on the deck of her family's yacht, idly counting her pocket money and thinking of all the candy she'd buy later. Suddenly the boat lurched, and she dropped all of her coins, losing them forever in the deep ocean. (Antenora)

UNDERCOVER IN CANDY FACTORY STOP SEND HELP STRAIGHTAWAY STOP CANDIES POISONED STOP WILL DAMAGE CONSUMER STOP HAS FATAL SIDE EFFECTS STOP MANAGER COMING STOP
GOOD CANDIES ARE STOP VERY UNDERCOVER WELL COMING WORK STOP WORKING BRAIN FINE STOP PREVIOUS TELEGRAM IGNORE STOP (Sherry Ann)

I was trudging through the sand and seaweed, not suspecting any trouble, when suddenly I felt a pinch--a sharp, quick pain on my left foot. I looked down just in time to see that sinister creature scuttle away. I detest crabs. (Sophie Baudelaire)

You tap, tap, tap your foot, without a care in the world, without realizing how annoying you are. As your shoe keeps hitting the tile floor, everyone grows increasingly on edge. But you, you just keep tapping away, off in another world. (Sophie Baudelaire)

Too often a life led
like those industrial apples -
frozen for too long, in its own sarcophagus.
Juice in the flesh,
sweet in the mouth,
pink in its cheeks,
wetly fresh, firmly held,
and deep inside,
is where you taste the dead.
(thedoctororwell)

Whilst walking in disguise amongst my enemies in a shadowy street, I was oblivious to the fact that the Universe was making plans for me. Felt it in my feet, losing balance. Pain in my whole body as it hit the ground. (F.D.)

Often it has been said that people come in all stripes, meaning not the colour of a person's sweater but the colour of their heart, but a person who comes in a sweater of black and white stripes is probably a burglar. (Dante)

Color coordination is a curious thing. And no one knew this better than the city’s sixth most important financial advisor’s husband. However, in admiring his rack of solid colored neckties, a sudden thought struck him.
How does one go about arranging patterns? (Emma Squalor)

Absentmindedness, as you know, is often an unwanted trait, and can sometimes strike us at the worst of times. It happened to me, when I opened my freezer and discovered my salmon burgers soaked in the frozen contents of my parsley soda. (Emma Squalor)

I know long journeys can be tedious. That’s why I always take my iPod with me when traveling. Once, listening to loud music in the bus, I ended up embarrassing myself. Mental note: Always make sure you are only mouthing the words. (F.D.)

After thinking it through, there isn't really anything wrong in my life. No major trauma or upsets recently. My life is certainly better than the majority of the population of the world, so why do I feel this terrible melancholy, this sadness? (BSam)

Going to the hairdresser can often be an interesting experience. You can stare at your face in the mirror, read gossip magazines or watch as your hair is cut horribly. After my visit to the hairdressers, I wept for two days straight. (Brunch)

Reviews for books can be misleading. You never know what the reviewer’s been through. He could’ve written the review at gunpoint, who knows? I once was fooled into reading a horrid book about three orphans. It changed me; I’ll never forget it. (F.D.)

"How nice, not being plagued by the problems of coach seats," I think while sitting in first class. "Wait- what! Oh woe is me! With all of this leg room, I must stand up to reach the magazine in front on me!" (Bryan)

You know that feeling when it's your birthday and you expect it to be special, but it feels like just another day? I'm hoping that doesn't happen to one of my favourite authors; apparently it's his birthday now. Hopefully it's slightly special. (BSam) (last story)

He read the coded paper, delivered by a coded computer program, with confusion. “An initial way to speak to you.” He thought he understood, but with no other clues, he could go no further. Where were there enough initials for a message? (Dante) (first story)

Hastily glancing at my notes one last time, I rush off to my final exam. I sit down by the classroom door to catch my breath. I check my watch-- I’ve arrived early, right? No, wait a minute, I’m an hour late! (Antenora)

Oatmeal was for breakfast; Edgar skipped happily downstairs to find a large bowl on the table. Taking a spoon, and tasting some, Edgar felt the all too familiar sensation of cold lumps. Edgar gagged, causing himself to choke and die. RIP Edgar. (Brunch)

People who can’t elaborate on their points are quite irritating to me. It’s just, you see, it’s just so… It’s because they just can’t, like, they are just so… so… not, oh, I don’t know, they’re just not…. They’re so… just… uhm… (Bryan)

Morning's here; rubbing the sleepiness out of my eyes, I slide out of bed, get out a bowl and spoon, and pour myself a big bowl of cereal. Then I open the fridge. And frown. Oh no! I've forgotten to buy milk! (Linda Cooldeen)

After a long day at work, Henry was ready to go home and collapse. He wearily trudged the three flights of stairs to his apartment, then reached into his pocket for the keys. His fingers met an empty pocket; they were gone! (Linda Cooldeen)

Dinner is served, and it's delicious. I compliment my friend profusely on her cooking skills. "You'll never guess the secret ingredient," she says. "Peanuts! Can you believe it?" With a sinking feeling, I nod. I can feel my tongue beginning to swell. (Linda Cooldeen)

E is quite a tricky letter. When a story is a set amount of words it is hard enough to write, but when forced to begin with that specific letter in order to fit in with some code it just becomes ridiculous. (BSam)

Everyone has fears. Otis was afraid of heights and was a bit claustrophobic. I think you could see how being trapped in a tiny elevator, seven feet off the ground, surrounded by three bulky men, would be an awkward situation for him. (F.D.)

“No trust.” That’s our slogan here at Barbarous Bank. We want our customers to know we don’t trust them – or anyone else. That’s why this commercial is coming to you from the surveillance cameras hidden in your home. Nice couch, Ms. Reynolds. (Sherry Ann)

Polly wanted a cracker. Alas, Polly couldn’t have a cracker because she was watching her sodium intake in hopes of quieting the strange fluttery noises reminiscent of panting dogs her heart had been making recently. Regrettably, she knew just the one phrase. (Sherry Ann)

Deciding on a good book is like entering a new hotel. One could be amazed by the many stories, whether or not they have floors, or one could be appalled by the very first page, whether or not he asks for directions. (Sherry Ann)

One problem with ovens is that they are incredibly unpredictable. On Monday, I found that my meal had been overcooked. The next day I found that my meal hadn’t cooked at all. I wonder what I’ll find in my oven today. *BOOM!* (LSWannabe)

‘YOUR SHOELACE IS UNDONE!’ the man said, blocking my path as I walked along a crowded pavement. I looked to right and to left, but there was no escape, so with a sigh I bent down, and was trampled by the crowd. (Hermes)

Peanuts. Just peanuts. The day was nice, the sun was shining. I went to the store and asked the cashier for one thing. "Sorry, we're out of peanuts!" he replied. And that's my story about the first time I killed a man. (Bryan)

"All the tea in China" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably valuable. "Bull in a china shop" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably destructive. So, you see, finding a bull in your china-filled tea shop is immeasurably unfortunate. (Sixteen)

Naive, that’s what he was. Gordon couldn’t imagine what would happen that day. After all, it was a nice day, the sun was shining. It never crossed his mind that he, a cashier, could be killed because the store had no peanuts. (F.D.)

Every day at the same time, the truck man made his rounds. But due to a traffic jam today's delivery would be delayed. After many hours he gave up and went home; surely delivering these peanuts a day late wouldn't hurt anyone. (BSam)

As you know, tiny events can have huge consequences. Betty the butterfly didn't know this-- but when she flapped her colorful wings, she was generating air currents that would eventually lead to a storm, which in turn would cause a traffic jam. (Antenora)

Most often recess is supposed to be a time of joy, a time for a break between tedious lessons taught by flat-footed professors. But sometimes there are so many villainous students, that recess can actually become the worst part of your day. (Brunch)

Explaining philosophy to dim-witted people can be a dreadful task, and I, unfortunately, find myself forced to do it quite frequently. For example, I recently attempted to teach the ideas of Socrates to a student. He asked, “Is that a baseball team?” (Sophie Baudelaire)

Although it might seem tragic when you forget something small and precious, like a lucky dime, an idea for a story, or an exotic insect specimen, such things are really a dime a dozen. What harm can a single lost butterfly do? (Dante)
---
(Note: I've checked, and they're all forty-two words long, so they don't need amending on that count. MS Word's word count says that thedoctororwell's poem is forty-three words long, but that's because it's counting a hyphen as a word.)

Here's BSam's secret message:

"happy birthday, we hope you can manage a smile today"

[Sixteen]

"All the tea in China" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably valuable. "Bull in a china shop" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably destructive. So, you see, finding a bull in your china-filled tea shop is immeasurably unfortunate.

[csc]

Jan 23, 2012 17:05:41 GMT -5 allegedly bryan said:

Here's one for the last P.

Peanuts. Just peanuts. The day was nice, the sun was shining. I went to the store and asked the cashier for one thing. "Sorry, we're out of peanuts!" he replied. And that's my story about the first time I killed a man.

I said I would stop writing, but I couldn't resist it. I think this could make Bryan's joke even funnier:

Naive, that’s what he was. Gordon could never imagine what would happen that day. After all, it was a nice day, the sun was shining. It didn’t cross his mind that he, a cashier, could be killed because the store had no peanuts.

[BSam]

Every day at the same time, the truck man made his rounds. But due to a traffic jam todays delivery would be delayed. After many hours he gave up and went home, surely delivering these peanuts a day late wouldn't hurt anyone.

Or is it getting a little too thematic?

As long as they are spaced out enough I think it would work well.

Do most of the letters left kind of spell Enema?

That's amusing.

Reason for Editing: Moderator Edit: Merging double-post.

[Dante]

I've added those most recent three stories; I agree that the peanut stories will be fine if spaced out right, and I think that shouldn't be a problem given the letters involved. F.D., I edited your latest one slightly because it had forty-three words, but I think the revised version should be acceptable.

[BSam]

Yes, spacing them enough i Think they will work really well.


Dante, what order will they appear in?

I think they'd work better with my story after the rest, but the letters may not allow that.

also my # story being somewhere in the middle is better i think..

how are we letter wise?

[Dante]

We have E, A, M, E, and A left, which shouldn't be particularly difficult to write stories for. Once we have all the stories in, I'm going to arrange them in an order, which will partly be dictated by the nature of the secret message, but since there are quite a few that start with the same letters, I'll have to decide which ones really fit with each other. The peanut stories will probably go in the order posted, the first and last stories are already set in stone, I agree that the # story should go somewhere in the middle. I think it probably won't be too difficult, really.

[Antenora]

As you know, tiny events can have huge consequences. Betty the butterfly didn't know this-- but when she flapped her colorful wings, she was generating air currents that would eventually lead to a storm, which in turn would cause a traffic jam.

[B.]

For the remaining M-
Most often recess is supposed to be a time of joy, a time for a break between tedious lessons taught be flat-footed professors. But sometimes there are so many villainous students, that recess can become the worst part of your day.

[csc]

Jan 24, 2012 10:57:17 GMT -5 Antenora said:

As you know, tiny events can have huge consequences. Betty the butterfly didn't know this-- but when she flapped her colorful wings, she was generating air currents that would eventually lead to a storm, which in turn would cause a traffic jam.

Is this another peanut story?

[ghostie]

I've got one for one of the E's that remain:

Explaining philosophy to dim-witted people can be a dreadful task, and I, unfortunately, find myself forced to do it quite frequently. For example, I recently attempted to teach the ideas of Socrates to a student. He asked, “Is that a baseball team?”

[Dante]

Brunch, I added an "actually" to one part of your story as it only came to forty-one words.

There's only space now for one story, to begin with E or A - then BSam's reserve story takes whichever is left over.

Jan 24, 2012 13:29:34 GMT -5 @csc said:

Is this another peanut story?

I understand that it is!

Edit: And the submissions are closed.

---
Although it might seem tragic when you forget something small and precious, like a lucky dime, an idea for a story, or an exotic insect specimen, such things are really a dime a dozen. What harm can a single lost butterfly do?
---

I'll try and put them in order sometime in the next couple of hours.

[csc]

Congratulations, everyone, great job with the stories! The first part of our roject is done. Good luck with the organizing, Dante.

[Dante]

Kinda wanted to have this at the top of a page but oh well. Here's my arrangement of the full list. I achieved most of what I was attempting to with this list - spacing out the peanut-related stories logically, arranging other stories in sensible places, and making sure authors alternate with reasonable frequency and that the same author doesn't appear too near another story by themself. I had to put two of my own stories next to one another, but the alternative was a less satisfying arrangement of the peanut sequence, so I hope nobody will object. So here's that arrangement, and tomorrow I'll put up a new thread with proposals for how we could combine these with images. For now, everyone take a break, or alternatively, take a gander at this list and tell me what you think.

---
He read the coded paper, delivered by a coded computer program, with confusion. “An initial way to speak to you.” He thought he understood, but with no other clues, he could go no further. Where were there enough initials for a message? (Dante)

After a long day at work, Henry was ready to go home and collapse. He wearily trudged the three flights of stairs to his apartment, then reached into his pocket for the keys. His fingers met an empty pocket; they were gone! (Linda Cooldeen)

People who can’t elaborate on their points are quite irritating to me. It’s just, you see, it’s just so… It’s because they just can’t, like, they are just so… so… not, oh, I don’t know, they’re just not…. They’re so… just… uhm… (Bryan)

Polly wanted a cracker. Alas, Polly couldn’t have a cracker because she was watching her sodium intake in hopes of quieting the strange fluttery noises reminiscent of panting dogs her heart had been making recently. Regrettably, she knew just the one phrase. (Sherry Ann)

You may think squirrels look harmless. But ask little Jimmy Lackpaw why he can't play the piano anymore, and he'll tell you a story which'll change your mind. Would you like to hear that story? You can't, since I'm out of words. (Dante)

Birthdays frequently feature surprises. But not all surprises are pleasant. For example, you may receive an ugly sweater instead of the new electronic device you wanted. Or you may light the candles on your cake, only to hear a strange ticking sound… (Antenora)

I was trudging through the sand and seaweed, not suspecting any trouble, when suddenly I felt a pinch--a sharp, quick pain on my left foot. I looked down just in time to see that sinister creature scuttle away. I detest crabs. (Sophie Baudelaire)

Reviews for books can be misleading. You never know what the reviewer’s been through. He could’ve written the review at gunpoint, who knows? I once was fooled into reading a horrid book about three orphans. It changed me; I’ll never forget it. (F.D.)

The old woman slammed down the phone, panting at the memory of the bright, cheery voice. Hurriedly she dialed the number to contact the police. But it was too late. A “FOR SALE” sign was already being nailed into her front lawn. (Sherry Ann)

"How nice, not being plagued by the problems of coach seats," I think while sitting in first class. "Wait- what! Oh woe is me! With all of this leg room, I must stand up to reach the magazine in front on me!" (Bryan)

Dinner is served, and it's delicious. I compliment my friend profusely on her cooking skills. "You'll never guess the secret ingredient," she says. "Peanuts! Can you believe it?" With a sinking feeling, I nod. I can feel my tongue beginning to swell. (Linda Cooldeen)

After thinking it through, there isn't really anything wrong in my life. No major trauma or upsets recently. My life is certainly better than the majority of the population of the world, so why do I feel this terrible melancholy, this sadness? (BSam)

‘YOUR SHOELACE IS UNDONE!’ the man said, blocking my path as I walked along a crowded pavement. I looked to right and to left, but there was no escape, so with a sigh I bent down, and was trampled by the crowd. (Hermes)

Whilst walking in disguise amongst my enemies in a shadowy street, I was oblivious to the fact that the Universe was making plans for me. Felt it in my feet, losing balance. Pain in my whole body as it hit the ground. (F.D.)

E is quite a tricky letter. When a story is a set amount of words it is hard enough to write, but when forced to begin with that specific letter in order to fit in with some code it just becomes ridiculous. (BSam)

Hastily glancing at my notes one last time, I rush off to my final exam. I sit down by the classroom door to catch my breath. I check my watch-- I’ve arrived early, right? No, wait a minute, I’m an hour late! (Antenora)

Oatmeal was for breakfast; Edgar skipped happily downstairs to find a large bowl on the table. Taking a spoon, and tasting some, Edgar felt the all too familiar sensation of cold lumps. Edgar gagged, causing himself to choke and die. RIP Edgar. (Brunch)

Peanuts. Just peanuts. The day was nice, the sun was shining. I went to the store and asked the cashier for one thing. "Sorry, we're out of peanuts!" he replied. And that's my story about the first time I killed a man. (Bryan)

Everyone has fears. Otis was afraid of heights and was a bit claustrophobic. I think you could see how being trapped in a tiny elevator, seven feet off the ground, surrounded by three bulky men, would be an awkward situation for him. (F.D.)

You tap, tap, tap your foot, without a care in the world, without realizing how annoying you are. As your shoe keeps hitting the tile floor, everyone grows increasingly on edge. But you, you just keep tapping away, off in another world. (Sophie Baudelaire)

Often it has been said that people come in all stripes, meaning not the colour of a person's sweater but the colour of their heart, but a person who comes in a sweater of black and white stripes is probably a burglar. (Dante)

UNDERCOVER IN CANDY FACTORY STOP SEND HELP STRAIGHTAWAY STOP CANDIES POISONED STOP WILL DAMAGE CONSUMER STOP HAS FATAL SIDE EFFECTS STOP MANAGER COMING STOP
GOOD CANDIES ARE STOP VERY UNDERCOVER WELL COMING WORK STOP WORKING BRAIN FINE STOP PREVIOUS TELEGRAM IGNORE STOP (Sherry Ann)

Color coordination is a curious thing. And no one knew this better than the city’s sixth most important financial advisor’s husband. However, in admiring his rack of solid colored neckties, a sudden thought struck him.
How does one go about arranging patterns? (Emma Squalor)

"Attention passengers: please fasten your seat belts. We are departing the airport now." I pulled out my PDA. WELCOME. I scrolled through some files. FLIGHT CHECKLIST. I checked: Flashlight? Check. Laptop? Check. Camera? Check. Walkie-talkies? Check. LOW BATTERY. What? Oh. Oh, no.(Sherry Ann)

Naive, that’s what he was. Gordon couldn’t imagine what would happen that day. After all, it was a nice day, the sun was shining. It never crossed his mind that he, a cashier, could be killed because the store had no peanuts. (F.D.)

Morning's here; rubbing the sleepiness out of my eyes, I slide out of bed, get out a bowl and spoon, and pour myself a big bowl of cereal. Then I open the fridge. And frown. Oh no! I've forgotten to buy milk! (Linda Cooldeen)

Absentmindedness, as you know, is often an unwanted trait, and can sometimes strike us at the worst of times. It happened to me, when I opened my freezer and discovered my salmon burgers soaked in the frozen contents of my parsley soda. (Emma Squalor)

“No trust.” That’s our slogan here at Barbarous Bank. We want our customers to know we don’t trust them – or anyone else. That’s why this commercial is coming to you from the surveillance cameras hidden in your home. Nice couch, Ms. Reynolds. (Sherry Ann)

"All the tea in China" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably valuable. "Bull in a china shop" is a phrase which refers to something immeasurably destructive. So, you see, finding a bull in your china-filled tea shop is immeasurably unfortunate. (Sixteen)

Going to the hairdresser can often be an interesting experience. You can stare at your face in the mirror, read gossip magazines or watch as your hair is cut horribly. After my visit to the hairdressers, I wept for two days straight. (Brunch)

Every day at the same time, the truck man made his rounds. But due to a traffic jam today's delivery would be delayed. After many hours he gave up and went home; surely delivering these peanuts a day late wouldn't hurt anyone. (BSam)

Although it might seem tragic when you forget something small and precious, like a lucky dime, an idea for a story, or an exotic insect specimen, such things are really a dime a dozen. What harm can a single lost butterfly do? (Dante)

Sarah from Alaska was reconsidering her political career. It wasn't like being a sports commentator, where you could just talk about the action from a distance away. Although people did seem to like her speeches... but they laughed in the wrong places. (Dante)

Most often recess is supposed to be a time of joy, a time for a break between tedious lessons taught by flat-footed professors. But sometimes there are so many villainous students, that recess can actually become the worst part of your day. (Brunch)

I know long journeys can be tedious. That’s why I always take my iPod with me when traveling. Once, listening to loud music in the bus, I ended up embarrassing myself. Mental note: Always make sure you are only mouthing the words. (F.D.)

Little Lizzie was on the deck of her family's yacht, idly counting her pocket money and thinking of all the candy she'd buy later. Suddenly the boat lurched, and she dropped all of her coins, losing them forever in the deep ocean. (Antenora)

Explaining philosophy to dim-witted people can be a dreadful task, and I, unfortunately, find myself forced to do it quite frequently. For example, I recently attempted to teach the ideas of Socrates to a student. He asked, “Is that a baseball team?” (Sophie Baudelaire)

Too often a life led
like those industrial apples -
frozen for too long, in its own sarcophagus.
Juice in the flesh,
sweet in the mouth,
pink in its cheeks,
wetly fresh, firmly held,
and deep inside,
is where you taste the dead.
(thedoctororwell)

One problem with ovens is that they are incredibly unpredictable. On Monday, I found that my meal had been overcooked. The next day I found that my meal hadn’t cooked at all. I wonder what I’ll find in my oven today. *BOOM!* (LSWannabe)

Deciding on a good book is like entering a new hotel. One could be amazed by the many stories, whether or not they have floors, or one could be appalled by the very first page, whether or not he asks for directions. (Sherry Ann)

As you know, tiny events can have huge consequences. Betty the butterfly didn't know this-- but when she flapped her colorful wings, she was generating air currents that would eventually lead to a storm, which in turn would cause a traffic jam. (Antenora)

You know that feeling when it's your birthday and you expect it to be special, but it feels like just another day? I'm hoping that doesn't happen to one of my favourite authors; apparently it's his birthday now. Hopefully it's slightly special. (BSam)
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